Talking to / touching bump

[AwkwardPaws27]

Am I weird for not liking this?

Went to see the in-laws at the weekend and they were both bending down and talking to my abdomen in these irritating baby voices. Just talk normally! Baby can hear us talking, theres no need to put on a different voice to speak to him.

FIL also touched my bump a few times which I'm not really comfortable with. If baby was moving around a lot I'd invite them to feel but he wasn't (I have an anterior placenta anyway so movements are quite muffled and infrequent still at 30 weeks, although were getting more of a pattern in the late evening now).

We've said a number of times (when questioned) that yes, we have ideas for names, but we aren't making a final decision (or sharing our ideas for comments!) until baby is born. Every time we see them, they ask again.

They were also asking if I wanted a baby shower and I said no as to be honest just buying the essentials has been hard (three first trimester MCs, feel a bit like I'm tempting fate). It's really not my sort of thing. I suggested, as they are keen to organise/host something, that they have a family BBQ or something a few weeks after he arrives to meet extended family.

I just feel like I'm doing pregnancy all wrong as I'm not very excited or gushing about it - I'm preparing but I'm also a bit apprehensive until baby actually arrives safely. Am I a bad mum?

I'm grateful to have got this far, & much less anxious than earlier on, but still a bit worried until he's actually here. My SIL is also pregnant, has also had a difficult journey but is embracing it much more now and I feel like I'm being compared to be honest. I didn't even have a hen do as such, just a couple of drinks with close friends, because big events really aren't "me", so a baby shower is really outside of my comfort zone.

It is completely ok to not want people touching your bump! And also ok to not be all gushy about pregnancy, you don't have a personality transplant just because you are pregnant. You aren't a bad mum, your in-laws sound like they have boundary issues.

You sound like me. I never talked to my bump or rubbed it in any of my 3 pregnancies, I find it bizarre, unnecessary and cringey. When my inlaws attempted it in my first pregnancy they were quickly shut down, they never tried again 😁 So weird that people think that's a thing. I was also the anomaly in their family because I said no to baby showers, also find them unnecessary and cringey. My sister in laws all had two baby showers on their first pregnancies, as if one wasn't grabby and bad enough! I also didn't have a hen and again was judged for that, my inlaws are sad people with boundaries issues, I have learned to ignore them and not let them bother me.

You do you, there's nothing wrong with it/you. I don't actually understand how anyone gets excited during pregnancy, I get excited when the baby is safely born and both me and them are deemed healthy and fine, and tbh with 2 out of 3 of my births being difficult with complications for 1-6 weeks afterwards I think it's wise.

I’m having an IVF pregnancy after a long road. I’m 24 weeks and have bought zero for the baby. I don’t talk to baby either yet but I do sing just in general. My DM touched my bump once a few weeks ago and DH was like NO TOUCHING 😂 so we are also same as you. My family and friends know not to throw me a baby shower. Like you I will be happy when I’ve baby in my arms and I will start getting stuff from 30 weeks. People who haven’t struggled or had losses don’t understand that we know a baby isn’t a guarantee and we act accordingly.

I completely understand. I'm very happy to be pregnant and enjoying the pregnancy a lot more than I expected, but the intrusiveness and rudeness is something pretty special.

I'm sure people are just doing what they feel they're expected to do, but I don't understand why it's suddenly okay to poke me in the belly or talk directly to my bump like it's not part of my body. It makes me feel secondary to the baby already, and he's not even here yet.

And don't get me started on all the questions - again, people don't know what else to say and it's all just silly small-talk, but "have you felt him kicking much yet?" every day for the last few weeks is just... stop it. No, I haven't had many proper kicks and it's a bit worrying tbh, stop asking.

Mind you, if I've told anyone about the pregnancy and they haven't asked any questions, I've been quite offended, so...

Totally get that. I’m 37 weeks pregnant with my first and had an ectopic pregnancy last time so have spent most of my pregnancy in a weird emotional rollercoaster situation where I lurch from excitement to crippling panic with no in between.

Things got a bit easier from about 24 weeks onwards as I knew at that point if baby came early then he had a really good chance of survival thanks to the medical advances they have nowadays, so although I still worry I think I’ve “enjoyed” pregnancy a bit more since that point.

Touching-wise, I’ve invited people like my sister or my Dad to have a feel of my bump when baby has been actively kicking but absolutely wouldn’t entertain anyone trying to grab a hold of my belly without being invited. Luckily I have a resting bitch face so on the couple of occasions I’ve worried strangers in public were going to try it, one look at my face sent them scurrying in the opposite direction 😂

The only person I’ve had continuously grasp at my bump without listening to me is my 12-year-old stepson but partner and I have just turned his over exuberance into a learning point about body autonomy and respecting people’s wishes - “Yes X, we know you’re excited about the baby coming soon but we need to respect Harlequin as it’s her body the baby is living in at the minute. We don’t touch people unless they’ve told us it’s ok, do we?”

Your in-laws sound like they’ve got no boundaries. Oh and the talking to your bump in daft baby voices would drive me quite mad so you have my sympathies.

"have you felt him kicking much yet?" every day for the last few weeks is just... stop it. No, I haven't had many proper kicks and it's a bit worrying tbh, stop asking

Argh, this! I've explained a few times what an anterior placenta is, why it means I don't feel much and even opened up and said how difficult I find that as I'd love to have the reassurance. I was told that SIL feels loads and you can see her baby moving so surely I'm feeling lots now?

I've definitely found things a lot easier since the anomaly scan and now that I am feeling some movements though.

They are lovely people but I feel so so awkward when FIL puts his hand on my bump and looks expectantly at me. I can't make the baby move on cue!

I'm glad it's not just me. They are lovely and I don't want to offend them but next time I'll try preemptively saying "if he's moving I'll let you know and invite you to feel, but as I've explained I don't feel much and when you touch my bump it makes me feel more anxious about that".

Gosh, you’re definitely not weird for this. I’d absolutely hate to have hands grabbing at me, would your DP step in and say please don’t touch?

Your FIL touching your bump is weird. I would be slapping his hand away and sending the definition of consent.

I am not a gushy pregnant women, I am fortunate that I feel a lot of movements so I touch my bump a lot and if there are strong outside movements I invite my DH to touch them. Tbh I don't think even he'd touch my bump without permission, because it's weird.

I don't talk to my bump and the midwife made me feel like I was a terrible mother for this (just FYI I wish I'd lied and said yes when asked!) but I'm just not the type of person to go around talking to myself. I'm always on bloody zoom calls she hears my voice enough!

@AwkwardPaws27 Anterior placenta here too, yay! Luckily people seem to understand when I explain it to them - it's a pretty intuitive thing, there's something cushioning the kicks, makes sense to people. But that doesn't stop them asking again next time!

@DottieDam Haha, yeah I'm also getting "are you chatting to him?" Er, no. I work for a uni and often do seminars and lectures so he's probably sick of the sound of my voice by now.

Just got back from my midwife appointment, all fine with baby but the birth centre is closed for the next 4-6 weeks and possibly beyond that due to staffing issues. There's no firm reopening date so I don't know if I'll be able to go there.

I burst into tears so clearly feeling the effects of pregnancy hormones!
There's only one birthing pool on the labour ward so that's probably out of the window.

Fucking covid. No antenatal classes, had my last MC alone as partners only allowed to routine scans not the EPAU, & now no bloody birth centre.

If anyone asks me if I'm excited today they might not like the response!