AMIBU - partners mum too intense

[Pixie921]

Hi all, hoping to get some advice on whether I am being completely unreasonable or justified in the way I am feel.

I've always had a great relationship with my partners mum and I currently still do. However, some of her actions lately are making me feel so uncomfortable and quite frankly annoyed I'm worried this is going to affect our relationship going forward.

I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby and first grandchild both sides so everyone is excited, though my partners mum is off the rictor scale and im starting to feel like as soon as the baby is born she is going to take it from me.

• she started to buy things such as a next to me, highchair, jumper, Walker, bags of clothes etc. even before I was 12 weeks pregnant. I went round and it is like a nursery there, I have made it clear it's all to stay there as we would not have the space for that in our home.
• she's started to go on about names telling me 'you can have that or you can't have that' if she doesn't fancy the name. Appreciate everyone has a choice but sometimes I think it's better to say nothing. Tell me a middle name should be this cos it's hers etc. I think she forgets I have parents and a family too.
• she see's babies in the street and proclaims she is having one of these - almost as if she is having her own baby.
• she wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when it's born, they literally live in the same town as us so seems unnecessary to me and I've said no.

There are many other things that have jiggled me but those seem to be the reoccurring ones. I'm starting to worry that when I do go into Labour she will be sat in the car park of the hospital until we leave or she will be around the house 24/7 and never leave us alone from now on.

I've spoke to my partner and he did have a word to say stop buying stuff but this was met with comments afterwards like 'I'm not allowed to buy anything' etc. I've spoken to him again and it's just fallen on deaf ears, i can take so much but once I snap I fear our relationship will be doomed.

How long have you been with your partner?

I ask because you need to get some very firm boundaries laid down quickly and if he doesn't have your back as the mother of his child then I would be rethinking that relationship quickly.

Putting it in the bluntly his mum is unhinged and sees you as an incubator. She will be parenting your child and you will be constantly running after trying to get a look in. This is YOUR baby don't let this happen.

My advice:

1. Limit how often you see them- 1/2 a month or max once a week for an hour or 2
2. When she says anything alluding to it being her baby-"you mean your grandchild, your baby is grown up" or "you mean my baby, my child"
3. Baby wear. I can guarantee that woman will not give you your baby back so to avoid a tug of war baby wear.
4. Breastfeed if you can. I predict she'll push for formula feeding so she can babysit and have overnights. Even if you do ff you can say no to these.
5. Talk to your family let them know your concerns be honest with them.
6. If the partner doesn't support and help with these things and does the whole but 'familllllllly' line, honestly ditch him you don't want a lifetime of that bs.

Hope that helps, good luck xx

Oh and the staying over for 2 weeks- hard no, fuck that.

My MIL was exactly the same. Seriously, I've never seen anyone so excited about anything in my life! It blew my mind that anyone could feel like that. I had slight pre-natal and post-natal blues and I actually felt quiteupset that she seemed to love and cherish my baby more than I could at first. I'm pleased to say she calmed down eventually. For the first year or 2 she was still very excited but now my daughter's 11 I'd say she's just a normal grandmother. What I did was very gently put boundaries in place as and when needed. If I was uncomfortable about something I'd just explain it in a kind/calm way. She didn't always like it but she eventually accepted things. I only put boundaries there if necessary and also tried to appreciate the fact that it's lovely my DD had such a doting grandmother. I've encouraged their relationship wherever I can but I haven't let her take over. I wasn't someone who could never be without my baby. To be honest I was desperate for a break so I welcomed the fact she wanted to look after her sometimes. If I was you I wouldn't exactly tell her to back off now but I'd play it by ear. Just mention things as they happen and over time she'll learn what you're comfortable with and what you're not.

@Teaandcrumpets95

How long have you been with your partner?

I ask because you need to get some very firm boundaries laid down quickly and if he doesn't have your back as the mother of his child then I would be rethinking that relationship quickly.

Putting it in the bluntly his mum is unhinged and sees you as an incubator. She will be parenting your child and you will be constantly running after trying to get a look in. This is YOUR baby don't let this happen.

My advice:

1. Limit how often you see them- 1/2 a month or max once a week for an hour or 2
2. When she says anything alluding to it being her baby-"you mean your grandchild, your baby is grown up" or "you mean my baby, my child"
3. Baby wear. I can guarantee that woman will not give you your baby back so to avoid a tug of war baby wear.
4. Breastfeed if you can. I predict she'll push for formula feeding so she can babysit and have overnights. Even if you do ff you can say no to these.
5. Talk to your family let them know your concerns be honest with them.
6. If the partner doesn't support and help with these things and does the whole but 'familllllllly' line, honestly ditch him you don't want a lifetime of that bs.

Hope that helps, good luck xx

We've been together nearly ten years, so I do have an established relationship with his family and likewise he does with mine. We probably are about 10 mins from each of our parents which is handy in one way, terrifying in another 🙃.

I probably haven't given him enough credit because he has 'had a word' a couple of times before, and I think perhaps we have let a lot slide so when he does have a word it's almost insultive and she immediately takes offence.

I don't think she means any harm and wants to be there as first grandchild so think we probably just need to be brave and stop worrying about hurting peoples feelings and set some proper boundaries.

Thankyou for the advise useful xxx

I’m with you OP, I’m overdue a day at the moment and my MIL has been the same all through my pregnancy, except we didn’t get on before I got pregnant and now all of a sudden we’re “so close” . If she refers to him as “her baby” one more time I might go into an overdue pregnancy raging fit

You have to set serious boundaries. I’ve told my DP from the get go that she’s not going to be here up my ass hole all the time and I’ve made a leave us alone for a week after birth rule to everybody which I know for a fact she will try to get around or just show up at the door which is not happening, I will be turning her away until I tell her she can come over. You have to take control, give yourself as much time as you feel you’ll need after birth before having visitors, if you’re not comfortable with something then make it known straight away and consistently until the message gets across. It all seems like major excitement and I’m sure you can understand that as much as I do but there has to be a line when it comes to boundaries, especially with a newborn, don’t be afraid to hurt feelings to ensure things only go the way you want them to, you’re the parent after all.

My in laws can be a bit much and I've already made my partner tell his parents that we will go to them rather than them coming to our house. They are 5 minute drive away, and that way we can leave when we want to and they won't just show up (when we first got our house they used to appear unannounced and let themselves in!!)

It's awkward but I think it's better to set boundaries before it's a big issue. Don't worry about upsetting people, this is your baby not theirs and you won't ever get this time back again!

Sounds like a nightmare.
I think though when we are pregnant we tend to overthink these things a little. Was the same with my first...

In reality when you have your baby you will know how to handle her. But it's very important that your husband is on the same page. You both understand the boundaries.
Your MIL might get a bit of a reality check when baby is born and she isnt on top of them day in day out but that's life. She will get over it and you will be happier.

Let her buy anything she wants though. But if you dont want it in your house buy your own and say thank you very much but we d like to buy our own thing for our baby. That's it. Again she is choosing to do this. So you don't have to accept it.

It will be ok!