Third baby - tough decisions

[MamaWingsIt]

Please help - no judgements as I feel bad enough as it is. We have had a 'whoopsie Daisy' third pregnancy. Live in 3 bed semi, struggling financially and am torn with what to do - just want to do right by everyone. Suffered PND after 2nd baby so I'm terribly scared. Hubby has said he'll support my decision either way.

Three kids is really hard, but of course can be beautiful too.

This sounds like terribly flippant advice but I think works.

Go over your pros and cons, and then flip a coin, eg heads keep, tails end pregnancy.

You don't have to decide on the coin flip, but as it lands your instinct will tell you if that's the choice you're happy with.

I have had terminations and found that what I grieved for wasn't the baby I wasn't having, but the life I would have had to be living in order for another child to be a viable option (more money, bigger house, not having to work, etc etc).

I also marked what would have been the due date as a 'family as it is' day and appreciated the family, grateful that I didn't also have to deal with a newborn on top of everything else!

I've given these ideas before you may well find me on other threads of you are reading old ones for advice!

Good luck whatever you decide.

Hi, I’m in the same boat. BFP last week.

Have a 5 and 2 year old and turn 40 in a month. Absolute whoopsie.

How far along are you?

Thank you - very good advice. We've worked out I'm 4 ish weeks, traced it back to a date night in Feb 🙈

My worries are - I don't think I could go through with the termination but wouldn't want hubby resenting me for keeping it when things get tough. If we were to keep, our current two would be 7 & 3 at the time of baby arriving.

I feel quite similar.

I was just starting to get a bit of freedom and was really enjoying it. Going back to sleepless nights and another 2 years of intense babyhood at 40 is really intimidating. Plus I had a hideous MMC last year and so am dreading early pregnancy.

That said I feel like I don’t want a termination (despite being wholeheartedly supportive of it).

It’s a really tricky decision.

@HousePlantNeglect

I feel quite similar.

I was just starting to get a bit of freedom and was really enjoying it. Going back to sleepless nights and another 2 years of intense babyhood at 40 is really intimidating. Plus I had a hideous MMC last year and so am dreading early pregnancy.

That said I feel like I don’t want a termination (despite being wholeheartedly supportive of it).

It’s a really tricky decision.

I feel you!! The thing is we just didn't plan life for three little ones, we planned for two. We have the two and are so happy with them, we enjoy days out, breaks away etc and have finally fallen into some kind of 'routine' - we've found our balance. I know number 3 will scupper this but I really don't think I can go through with termination. I'm really torn. I feel it's been made slightly more difficult with hubby saying he'll support either way because it means the decision has fallen only on me. I also know that I'll lose the support from my parents as they made it pretty clear after our 2nd child that we shouldn't have a third due to how much my MH suffered. ARGH!!

Hey @MamaWingsIt and @HousePlantNeglect I've been thinking about you both.

Sending love and hoping you are ok and making whatever decision is right for you.

If it is of any comfort, when I think back to the fact that I made the decision to terminate I feel nothing but relief. I have three kids already (second pregnancy was twins) so slightly different but I also know how much harder life is with three.

Staff at the clinic I went to were so lovely and supportive.

So many of us go through it and we are lucky to have the option.

If you decide the other way of course then congratulations but you will deserve flowers either way.

Mine were 7 and 5 when number 3 ( accidentally) arrived.... I never wanted 3..,already had a boy and girl....we ended up moving to a larger house so they could all have their own rooms....I had to put my career plans on hold for 5 years....lots of extra expense .....always knackered....and it was like having an only child again due to age differences.....but we got through...the good times outweighed the ‘bad’ and now they’ve all left home....the hard times are long forgotten...my youngest has also given me a beautiful GD ....I would say make your decision then have no regrets

As an alternate perspective and with 2 year gaps between my three, I wanted to say that having 3 has been an absolute joy for us. Positives are that we barely noticed the difference unlike going from 1 to 2, DC3 simply fits in with everyone else's routine, yes days out become more expensive but other costs are less - DC3 lives in everyone's clothes and has everyone's toys and it adds a lovely 'buzz' to your house being a bigger family. Eldest has also been lovely and took in a whole new role. Costs wise days out won't cost much more for first few years as baby will be free. You're also fine with three beds - ours are a girl and boys and at present all three choose to sleep in the same room.

You've listed a lot of your negative thoughts about continuing the pregnancy but not any positive ones, do you feel there are any positives to having a third child? Why do you think you couldn't go through with the termination?

to you as it's a horrible decision that only you can make. A third child would bring more joy, laughter and love into your home. They would also bring more stress, financial pressure and potentially trigger your mental health difficulties. If the real and potential negatives of bringing a child into the world outweigh the positives we are incredibly fortunate to live somewhere where termination is safe, accessible and freely available.

In short, 'I want to continue this pregnancy' needs to be stronger in your mind than 'I don't want to have a termination'