Don't want abusive partner at the birth

[oasissummerfruits]

Hi everyone

I'm currently 6 months pregnant and very recently left an emotionally abusive relationship.

It's still very raw and I'm having to deal with everybody thinking me and my pregnancy hormones are to blame as I covered up for him for so long and made things seem perfect to our families. He was always very nice in front of everybody else, as manipulative people are.

I'm having a planned c-section which the hospital agreed early on as I've been very down and tearful due to our relationship throughout this pregnancy. I lost a baby last summer quite late on and it was only after becoming pregnant this time that I found out he had been unfaithful throughout my last pregnancy, even going to stay with the other woman the day I got out of hospital.

My problem now is that I don't want him at the birth. He's very controlling and causes me so much stress that I don't want him around. I finally feel free for the first time in ages and simple things like I can have my heating on without him complaining. I don't know if he has any rights to be there though? He obviously wants to and knows im having the planned. I don't have a date yet so not sure whether to just pretend the date is later than it is and to say I'd had to have an emergency once baby is here.

He had been living with me rent free for the duration of this pregnancy as always has an excuse when it would come to paying, and he knows I would pay it anyway as I still work full time, despite him earning a lot more than me. I think he has a drug problem as not sure where his money goes.

I'm not going to give baby his surname, and don't want him on the birth certificate, but I'm most worried about the birth at the moment.

Would be grateful if anyone could help?

Thank you xx

You can have who you want at the birth, he has no right to be there. I’d speak with your midwife and make it clear you don’t want him there.
Is he still living with you? Is the house jointly owned or jointly rented?

He will not be allowed there if you don’t wish to have him there. Make sure your midwife knows and that it’s on your notes. You have absolutely no reason to tell him when the baby is to be born. Neither do you need to put his name on the birth certificate if you’re not married.

You choose who your birth partner is. He has no right to be there so it's purely your decision.

Honestly love, you don’t need to worry. You can choose exactly who is there. I’d talk to your midwife and she will explain it all.

But I’m worried that you’re living together still, that doesn’t sound good for you. Do you need help planning a way to end that?

Please tell your midwives about this. He has no right to anything - he doesn’t need to know when the baby is born and doesn’t need to be named on the birth certificate. Wishing you luck

You need to get him out of your house and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy in peace. I'm worried how safe your current situation will be for you once it becomes clear he isn't going to be at your baby's birth or named on the birth certificate. How will you navigate this with him living under your roof?
You owe this guy nothing.

He’s got no rights at all. Have you told your midwife what’s been going on? You’re very vulnerable right now and it sounds like you’re doing brilliantly and have your head screwed on straight but he sounds awful and you’re going through a lot so please flag it up to your team and tell them you don’t want him anywhere near you.

Breastfeed if you can and block him, don’t let him anywhere near you or your baby. He can apply to court for access but I doubt he’ll bother.

Very best of luck

That’s tough OP. Firstly though congrats
For getting out of this!
If you think he will coerce the date out of you, I would lie. Simply tell him a date that’s further forward than the one they give you. And then he can find out later once the baby is born. Agreed that you need to share with midwife either way - they can ensure he’s not permitted to be with you.

I agree with the other comments about speaking to your midwife. The NHS recognises that pregnancy is an especially vulnerable time for women, and they have extra support available for women in situations like yours. They will work with you to keep you and your baby safe, including keeping him away from the birth.

They should also be able to help you access support to get him out of your home, which IMO you need to do ASAP and don't forget to change the locks.