scared of post natal depression

[waiting4bambino]

Hi all, I just wondered if anyone else felt the same as me - please say that someone does!! I am 32 weeks, first baby, and I just am so scared that when i give birth, i wont feel the instant rush of love that people talk about, and that this will lead to pnd... I havent had that good a pg, hence not posting on here since morning sickness stage! And i feel so guilty about having these feelings.
I have no experience of babies and im just thinking maybe i can't handle it and it wont come naturally to me and that tbe baby will know and will hate me! I am so paranoid. I am known to be a bit of a perfectionist, and want to do everything to the best that i can, but i feel overwhelmed by this massive responsibility that is coming at me! I feel so bad, as this was a planned pg, and everyone else is over the moon about it, please help....

I deliberately avoided pre-natal classes because I knew that having a baby would be one experience I couldn't really pre-plan and I do have a tendancy to over plan things!

I also knew that when my best-laid plans go a bit wonky I can get a bit crest-fallen so I decided that for my first little arrival I would quite literally wing it.

It worked a treat ? we've had our moments when I've felt like I haven't got a clue but with hindsight those were moments when I was trying to follow advice from others when deep down I knew it was wrong for my DD.

Most of all, enjoy your baby. Let the house work slide as much as you can possibly get away with. They grow so fast and you might not believe me now but you'll miss the baby days!!

Don't forget you have midwives and health visitors coming in to see you at home! We were also given a flying lesson by a midwife in the hospital who showed DH how to dress her and put on a nappy etc. There's also MN!!!

To be honest - the only thing I can say is that your head changes and you find you want different things. It's hard to imagine not working / gloing outall the time etc while you're doing it but suddenly you're propelled in to a different world that's still yours and was there all the time but you just didn't see it....if you are a driven person you are in the absolute best place because instead of driving yourself with regards to projects or other work 'stuff' you will be driving yourself to max out your day with your baby - the definition of that will change as the baby gets older. It's most curious but rather enjoyable!

What a fantastically honest and useful thread!! Tons of great advice, and lots of good comments to save up for when I am feeling completly crappola and very on my own!
waiting4bambino - I am also pregnant, a little bit further than you, 38 weeks so due any time really. I feel almost exactly the same as you do, worrying about post-natal illness and also am verging on the perfectionist when at all possible! I cant believe I have read a thread where I could have actually been the original poster! I dont want to pry, but do you have any history of depressive illness? I certainly do, and while in some ways I feel I am "on guard" a little more, and may be prepared for some of the feelings I may experience, on the other hand, I feel terrified that pnd will be a dead cert for me. Its so difficult, just no knowing. I think the other posters are spot on in their advice, and I think the most important thing you can take from this is to remember to talk about how you are feeling. Good, bad or indifferent, get it out there, and remember there are lots of relevant people who will be able to help. In my area my midwife has already put me in touch with a Motherhood and mental health team, and should I need support, I already know who they are and what they are about. I may not need the help, but I think it is better to be prepared for every possibility. If you do have mental health issues, please try and discuss them with your midwife or even your health visitor. I think the more women talk about it the less stigma there is attatched.
Sorry for long post, but as you can tell this is a subject close to my heart. Like you, I desperatly want to succeed, do the best for my baby, and be a good mummy.
Good luck.
Im gonna watch this thread now, and revive it should i need to in the future!

Hi, I would like to echo the wise advice on this thread about chilling out and relaxing with your baby.

I didn't have the "rush" of love at the moment of birth either, after a 30 hour labour my first thought was "thank god that's it over" and second was "oh, so that's what you look like son, hello there". I too felt protective, I remember waking up in the middle of the first night when he made a little meow sound and stroking his head and telling him everything would be ok. But the real falling in love took time as we got to know each other "on the outside" as opposed to knowing as bump.

I have a personality disposed to perfectionism too, I've always done well academically and career wise, and didn't realise that babies don't read the manuals!! I tried to be perfect and follow so much well meant advice. Didn't help that my dh has a child from a first relationship and kept telling me what had worked with his first, as if it would automatically work for ds. I ended up sobbing in HV office when ds was 7 months, was diagnosed with PND, got AD's and everything improved. I'm NOT saying that all perfectionist career women end up with PND, but you definitely need to go easier on yourself with a baby, and relax. And if you do end up with any kind of problem, the help is out there, don't be afraid to ask.

as a fellow 'control freak' i sympthise!

having a baby is a massive growing up thing - so much is out of your control (lots will be in your control dont worry!) but eventually, it brings you happiness, fun, new experiences

my advice is make new friends in a similar position so you can talk to them and they wont care if baby cries etc - they will be more worried about their own

Good luck with it all. I must admit to feling very little emotionally about my dd when she was born - I just wanted her to stop crying so I could sleep, and I had no idea how to achieve that. When she was about a week old, I felt something approaching love, and now she's 2 I adore her. It's a very difficult time - leaving your old life and starting a new, much harder one, and it's very tiring. Some days you'll confuse depression and just sheer fatigue - but the MWs and HVs keep an eye on you. When you feel able to, (most people I know managed at about 3 or so weeks after the birth) try to get out and about at local mums groups. That really helped me.
I think if you keep your expectations pretty low about what its going to be like, you'll be OK. Best of luck.

Wow! I can't believe my post has made the front page!! It's great to get a response from so many of you, and positive ones at that...

Pussycatmomma Hi, no I don't have a history of depression (well, not diagnosed anyway) but close members of my family have suffered with it so I tend to over-analyse myself for signs of it! Good luck with your big day, let me know how it all goes...

I've joined a Parentcraft class too which i've found is helpful, it has given me lots of insight but again, the practical may be a different story!! I tend to watch other mums when out and about, like some crazy stalker!! Just to see what they do, how they do it, especially if their child is having a tantrum!! I've finally come to the conclusion - you think i'd have reached this earlier!! that this is gonna happen, i am leaving work, i will live in my jamas for a while and yes, my hair may be greasy and my living room dusty, but it won't kill me, and i may find, i might even enjoy it!