Pregnant and alone. Partner left me - Help!

[Pugzpugzpugz]

Hi.
I’m posting as I feel so alone and in need of some advice.
I’m 11wks pregnant. I have my 12wk scan next wk and my partner has walked out on me.
The pregnancy was a surprise… although very wanted by me.
My partner has had wobbles due to previous history -he has children which he’s been dragged through court to see… with a case ongoing.
Granted this is not ideal.

Recently he’s been wobbling a lot… saying he’s scared and not sure if he can do this.
Not sure he wants me or the baby. I’ve been trying to remain strong and supportive however it’s really getting me down. I have my own fears over the unborn baby such as mc and the baby’s health I’ve paid for 2 private scans just to ensure there was a HB and the baby was developing as it should be… as waiting til 12wks had my anxiety thru the roof.
Partner has been to the scans with me however doesn’t seem to be fully invested. Even admitted himself he’s not enjoying it fully.
He keeps taking up things from the past - past arguments and things I’ve done wrong. Yes we have had arguments like any couple and we have both said rotten things to each other. Which I’ve fully owned and apologised for over and over again. It feels like he’s looking for a way out. A reason to hate me. He’s also said he cannot trust me due to his past and is scared I’ll go the same path as his ex and try stop him seeing the child.
2 days ago he’s decided he needs to go back to his flat. (We’ve been together almost 2yrs but still have our own places although he has been pretty much living with me for over a year).
He’s packed up all his things and left me.
I am absolutely bereft by this. I’m heartbroken and inconsolable. Only my grandmother knows about the pregnancy as I wanted to keep it quiet until the scan and we knew all was ok. He told her as she is in poor health and wanted to cheer her up.
There’s no way I can tell her about this situation due to her age and health and I have no one to turn to.
I’m all alone feeling distraught, abandoned, humiliated and ashamed.
I had plans to go tell family of the baby news after the 12wk scan but now I feel so humiliated and embarrassed.
I’m hormonal and emotional at the best of times but I feel my emotions are out of control.
I cannot stop crying. To the point where I feel I can’t continue with this pregnancy. I can’t do this alone nor do I want to. I want a family. Someone to be there for the baby’s first kicks, the birth, the nightfeeds and to share all these precious memories.
This is my first child, I’m 35 with a very steady job I’ve had for 16yrs.
I keep thinking my state of mind is so low, I can barely function how will I cope with a baby.
He is saying he wants to come to the scan to ‘see how he feels’. Which is hurting me. I don’t know what to do. What is the right thing?
I’ve never felt so alone. I’m reaching out for any advice or similar stories.
If he has space will he ever come back to us to try make this work. This baby deserves much better - a stable mother and father.
Thank you for reading. It’s appreciated.

Oh man. This is tough.

First of all nothing that is happening right now is your fault. And you shouldn't feel like you have to manage his feelings or make him feel better. You are 2 adults in a relationship and decided to have a baby. His instability and his past struggles with his own kids is not your fault. You can't fix this. You are not responsible for this.

He seems highly unreliable and walking out like this but then saying he wants to see how he feels seems like erratic behaviour. And not fair on you... you need someone to support you. To be there for you. Not bring you down.

I think you need to protect yourself and properly distance yourself from him for a while. Since he left, you can agree to give each other space to reflect on this. And maybe after a week have a discussion about the future. Either he is involved and here for you and your baby or he is out and you will be doing it alone (or not - that is up to you). You shouldn't settle for a flaky man. Especially when it comes to becoming parent. It is such a massive change in your life and relationship... you need some good foundations or you will crumble.

You absolutely need to prioritise yourself. It must be devastating, i mean i cannot begin to imagine how hurt you feel but try to be strong for your baby. You have a good stable situation and you sound like you care about this pregnancy. I know many single mums. And they were better off single than with their shitty partners/fathers.

Oh @Pugzpugzpugz sending you many hugs this is just awful for you.

He sounds like he is having a freak out but this isn’t very fair on you now either to be punished for his own worries of what he has already been thru, with someone else… so as said above this is no way your fault and you must not internalise any of this, him panicking and taking this as a breather/can’t do is his decision and his alone.

Personally my reaction would be to try now to put yourself first. Look after you and your expected little one. Great he comes to the scan but I would explicitly express how important this is to you too and that you are both impacted by having this little one and have that time to be for what it is! Then discussion after could be about when and how to tell others as with him taking this break you are also important and need support ,and it sounds like at the moment you will be needing this from some family..

Take care of yourself.

This may be your only chance op, consider carefully what you want to do, take time to chat to supportive friends, try and stop crying and really think as calmly as possible about what you want your life to look like in 5/10/15 years. You cannot change him he is a man child...look within yourself putting your ideal family situation aside...that doesn't always happen so forget it for now.

You are pregnant NOW with a fairly useless partner, look at each option you have and imaging how life will be for you.
terminating
Keeping baby alone
Keeping baby with this partner as he is..

good luck