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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want baby

13 replies

Fpop15 · 15/03/2022 08:02

Hi, I'm after a bit of advice on how to deal with this situation. My partner and I have a beautiful 3 year old son already.
I've become pregnant with our second child (unplanned pregnancy) and my partner doesn't want the baby. He says he barely manages to find time for himself with our son let alone another child and doesn't feel ready and doesn't want a child forced on him.
But I do 90% of the looking after our son. All he does is bath and play with him. I feed him, get up with him, put him to bed, sleep on the floor next to his bed when he wakes up in the night and am with him all day whilst also working two nights a week.
I feel ready to have this baby and am six weeks along.
What do I do ? I don't want to lose my partner but at the same time I'm definitely not terminating this pregnancy.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
OtiMama · 15/03/2022 08:04

I think if you definitely want to keep the baby you need to say that. He can't force you to terminate the pregnancy but I guess he could decide to leave. He might just need time to consider things and may well change his mind. Sorry must be so difficult for you.

GrazingSheep · 15/03/2022 08:04

How do you feel about being a single parent of 2 children? You know he’s a useless partner already.
Hopefully you are working and not dependent on him financially?

KosherDill · 15/03/2022 08:11

Is it fair to produce a human being to a disinterested and resentful father? That would have lifelong adverse repercussions on the person.

If you want a second child why not find a man who will be a delighted and enthusiastic father to it?

irishfarmer · 15/03/2022 11:07

I think it sounds like you want this baby. It is up to you if you keep it. Do you think he will stand by you? Point out to him that you have made a baby and these are the consequences.

I voted for abortion (I live in Ireland) but my DH, bf at the time knew I would not abort a baby if we had a contraceptive fail. Have you ever discussed it before?

Yahyahs22 · 15/03/2022 11:15

If he's a good dad to your 3 year old and loves him a lot, he'll be the same to this one. Its just a shock. Let him know your decision is final and it's up to him how he handles that. Honestly though I promise you'll be absolutely fine either way. The resentment and guilt that would build up if you didn't keep the baby would be unbearable, trust me.

TopCatsTopHat · 15/03/2022 11:25

Wow, not quite the supportive help you were hoping to find eh op. I'm sorry to hear your partner dies not want this baby.
The baby has been started now, it's wanted by you and if it is terminated there are consequences to that too - there is no get out of jail free card from this point. Your partner needs to understand that as well s think about his wishes.
Those are the facts, your partners view is a bit late in the day - he has created a child.
I think terminating a baby you want in the hope that your partner will then not be driven away isn't a very appealing option because if his commitment to the family he has is so easily broken then potentially he can't be relied on to stay around anyway.
Your situation is tough when you're partners attitude is what it is.
If you go ahead with this baby and your partner leaves, would your circumstances be manageable?
Don't let him tell you you're forcing a child on hiim, if he was adamant no more children there were steps he could have taken (but didn't) to ensure he wasn't in a situation of having a child on the way and not wanting it. In reality he has enjoyed a sex life and created a child and is now trying to pressure you into a termination you don't want.
I think that couples counselling is needed because just from the brief info you've put it's like he's placing all this on you and the centre of the discussion is what he wants.
This pregnancy affects you, your ds as well as him and a grown up who has allowed themselves to get into this situation needs to face up to all the consequences and make choices based on a balance of those not just focus on one part, you're all in this together. Hopefully he can see that but if he can't then I wouldn't base my choices just on him as that would suggest he isn't very reliable.

TopCatsTopHat · 15/03/2022 11:27

Apologies, for blanket comment on advice so far, I skim read and not all were bluntly unhelpful actually.

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 11:31

Your body your choice really

I get he doesn't want the baby but were you both using protection?

Some people think it's easy "just terminate" but I've been faced with this choice myself and decided I would rather be a single parent than go through with it that was my choice I guess you need to make yours

Good luck

TooMuchPaper · 15/03/2022 11:37

@Yahyahs22 - what makes you think he is good dad? He plays with him and baths him. The OP does everything else and has does for 3 years.

Nikki037297 · 15/03/2022 12:22

I think he’s being rather unfair. You have 1 child who is 3, soon to start school / nursery, your doing most of the child care. How would he have felt if first child was twins…. He wouldn’t have said oh we can’t cope with 2 I’m sure! Maybe he just needs time to get over the shock? My youngest is also 3, he’s starting school in September as he will be 4 this summer, I’m 10 weeks pregnant and it’s never crossed mine or my partners mind that it would be too much because of a 3 year old. My partner works full time so I do a vast majority of the child care and it will be me looking after the baby mainly too.
Is there other reasons he doesn’t want this baby as using the 1 child you have sounds like an excuse

Yahyahs22 · 15/03/2022 19:19

@toomuchpaper I said if he is

madeleine85 · 16/03/2022 01:32

Do you have the means to pay for couples counseling? It sounds like you both have different wants in life right now, and could use some help communicating what those are and how to adapt to this news. My DH barely acknowledged my current pregnancy In the first 12 weeks, he wasn’t excited, but I think he just doesn’t cope well at all with change, even though ours was planned. He’s happy about it now and excited. But also nervous about how this changes our future and our family relationship. He is very bonded to our DD. It could be something as simple as this. Good luck x

mowglika · 16/03/2022 07:51

If it’s any consolation my DH was adamant he didn’t want another when my first was around that age, we had a second (which he had grudgingly accepted trying for) and he dotes on the second now. It all got easier once they started school as well, it’s not babies and toddlers forever.

It might not be the case for you but tell him how you feel and that you are not prepared to terminate and ask him to take time to think about what he wants to do next.

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