How to announce second pregnancy...

[TheMagicPudding]

This may seem like a strange question, but I'm hoping for some advice on how to be sensitive about announcing our second pregnancy. My husband and I have just found out we are, unexpectedly, expecting our second child. DHs brother and his wife have a 2.5 year old conceived by IVF on their first round, and last month they had a second round to try for their second child. Unfortunately this was not successful. I do not know how to tell them about our pregnancy given it would have occurred around the time they were undergoing IVF.

I thought about sending them a message, to allow them their own space to acknowledge and accept it without needing to consider how they reacted if it was in person. DH thinks that it would be better to tell them in person and a message is a bit lousy of us. I'm undecided so any advice whether you've been in my shoes, or BIL and SILs shoes would be appreciated!

Do you have to announce it right now? Are you 12 weeks yet?

Personally I'd announce as late as I could get away with and be very matter of fact. I would tell them first. "We wanted you to be the first to know, I'm 13/14/15/16 weeks pregnant".

Congratulations!

I definitely wouldn't tell them in person. It can be really hard to hear someone else's good news when you're struggling yourself, even if you are happy for them and love them.

I'd send them a message or even a phone call between brothers. Just give them space to deal with it before they have to face you. They may surprise you and be fine with it but they may need a lot of time to accept it.

Maybe I'm completely over thinking it all?

@TidyDancer

Congratulations!

I definitely wouldn't tell them in person. It can be really hard to hear someone else's good news when you're struggling yourself, even if you are happy for them and love them.

I'd send them a message or even a phone call between brothers. Just give them space to deal with it before they have to face you. They may surprise you and be fine with it but they may need a lot of time to accept it.

This was my thinking, I can't imagine if it was me trying to present a certain way at someone's good news if in reality it really upset me. The brothers talking would be a good shout, thank you!

As someone who was struggling to come to terms with not being able to have a second when DSIL found out she was pregnant again, I appreciated that she sent me a quiet message before she announced. It gave me time to react however the fuck I wanted without fear of being judged or holding it in so I could appear happy for them. It also meant that when we did see them face to face I was able to actually be joyful for them and not resentful.

@RosesAndHellebores

Do you have to announce it right now? Are you 12 weeks yet?

Personally I'd announce as late as I could get away with and be very matter of fact. I would tell them first. "We wanted you to be the first to know, I'm 13/14/15/16 weeks pregnant".

No it's still very early on but I'm throwing my guts up every 5 minutes so unless we don't see them for the next few months it's hard to hide. Plus I'm needing to rope in extra help from my family during these really rough days so DH is keen to keep his family in the loop too

@MrsWidgerysLodger

As someone who was struggling to come to terms with not being able to have a second when DSIL found out she was pregnant again, I appreciated that she sent me a quiet message before she announced. It gave me time to react however the fuck I wanted without fear of being judged or holding it in so I could appear happy for them. It also meant that when we did see them face to face I was able to actually be joyful for them and not resentful.

I'm sorry to hear of your fertility struggles, I'm really grateful for your advice. A private message in advance feels like the right thing to do x

I think it's amazing you're thinking so much about how to announce it to them. Announcements can be difficult for many of us undergoing IVF.

I would say that sending your SIL a text letting her know about the pregnancy and that you will announce in x amount of time. Also, I would mention that you spent time thinking about how to let them know and that she can call you (message you) whenever she feels ready. Give them time, they might need it x

As someone who has been on both sides of this, I think DH speaking to his brother is a good idea. I received a quiet pre-warning of a cousin’s pregnancy and it really really upset me. Whilst she was trying to do the right thing, it highlighted to me that I was struggling and everyone knew/ felt sorry for me.

I think this one should be up to your DH, he can mention to his brother first and take his brothers lead from there. Congratulations OP

Most people on the infertility board want to be be told in a simple, factual text message sent at a time when you know they’re most likely to be at home. They’ll know you’re being considerate because you’ve done that. Saying you’re thinking about them or you’re telling them early to help them digest it makes it worse. It’s awful reacting with sadness to happy news-you don’t want to shove that in their face too. Short, factual text is the best way.

I also wouldn’t say that you’re announcing it soon. That highlights they’re being told in advance. I would frame it as you’re only telling very close family.