Should I stay or should I go?

[SquigsC]

My partner and I are expecting our first baby in August, and want to move out of our tiny flat. We currently live in Bristol and really love the city - it fits with our creativity and political stance. My partner would like to stay here and move to a bigger place.

On the other hand, all of our family live in Devon/Cornwall. For us, it's not as exciting a place for us to live, but as far as I am concerned I think it would be beneficial to be near family and friends, so I definitely want to consider moving back there.

I can see the pros and cons of both but don't really know what to do... Bristol is lovely and we have my partner's sister here (who's really helpful) and a couple of friends but I don't have a huge amount. I have also got my midwife here, have been referred for EMDR therapy, and am attending Rockabye classes.

Plymouth/Devon is somewhere that my partner would rather not live if possible - he felt stuck there for a long time and is worried about being stuck there again - he doesn't really want our child brought up there long term. I do agree with Bristol being a more fun city to grow up in, but I also can't promise that I won't enjoy having support close by. However housing is cheaper and I have a bigger support base - I worry about transferring all of my details to another midwife etc.

Does anybody have experience of either of these situations and what worked best for you? We obviously need to move ASAP but I get so stressed about making decisions... even though I am well aware we can move again at any point. Hopefully this all makes some sense.

Hi. So long story short, I moved from
Wales to London to be with my DH, before marriage we wanted to be a little closer to my family in Wales but because of his work commitments we could only move as far as Reading. We love it here, it’s close to everything and so many opportunities, however, I am miserable and lonely! I’ve got one DD who is now 18 months and it has been very hard not having any family close around to help with care. She was quite a hard baby and now toddler and I am slightly introverted so it’s been awful. I’m now pregnant with my second and we have decided it’s just not doable anymore, I won’t be able to manage without my family, so we are now moving even closer to home!

I personally didn’t want to move back to Wales in the village I’m from because there’s not much around and everyone knows everything about everyone, so we are moving to Chippenham which is only 45 mins from my family and close to Bath, only 1 hr 10 min to London for my husbands work.

Maybe get looking into places close to where your family are that would suit you both!

But yeah for me personally, I’ve struggled massively without the help of my family.

Family support is huge but so is SO support! You wouldn't want him to be miserable by moving back there and as you say there are lots of positives to Bristol. A big factor is how involved your SO is going to be and what real support you will get in either location.

I moved to a new area with my SO and started a family. I didnt know anyone but having a baby made all the difference. I made new friends at mum and baby yoga, the local baby group and buggy walk group. Now I have 2 really close friends in our town and a number of other parents with kids the same age that I'm quite happy to meet in the park. Are your friends in the same place in life at home? I mean with small kids or babies? If not, that connection might not be as strong as it used to be as they will be busy with other things. Not that they'll ditch you necessarily but they may not be as close as before. I will happily chat to my non Mum friends and they will drop round for a visit we but prefer to meet separately without children so that relies on childcare being in place.

With family, what are you expecting of them and what can they deliver? Child care, respite one afternoon a month?, nothing? How would you feel if you did use family as childcare but they ignored how you and SO want to do things. Not waiting until 6 months to wean or allowing their dogs to lick their face or letting the baby sleep with a duvet?

It's a long way to move if you are going to feel isolated because you are more rural (if that's the case) and there aren't as many baby activities to go to as in the city and less people to make friends with.

I'd clarify these things before deciding.

• expectations of family and friends
• what activities there are for young families in the area

-how strong are SOs feelings and what is their commitment to you and bub if you stay where you are.

And that goes without saying you both need to compare the cost of living, nursery places etc

No idea if my ramble helps but it's some things to consider!

I've lived in Plymouth and Bristol and would never consider going back to Plymouth! Bristol and the surrounding towns are such a fab place to be and bring up children, have a look at Portishead, Nailsea and Clevedon, all close to the M5/train stations so family can come and stay and help out.

What kind of support do you want from your family and what can they offer?

When I was on maternity leave my mother helped a lot but she became ill after a year or so and couldn’t help at all. Mil was brilliant for six months but when I went back to work she was nowhere to be seen and has shown little interest in the dc since and they are now teenagers!

I think it’s ideal to be close to family but I wouldn’t base everything on it.

Thank you for all the comments and feedback so far. To clarify, I feel very lonely at the moment and because I suffer with anxiety and depression it has a knock on affect. I’m guessing it’s just the idea of having someone to pop over to give me a hug, listen and make me some lunch. The emotional support more than anything…

@SquigsC I feel you! My DH and I had these feelings of moving as soon as DD arrived and I was struggling being alone with little to no help.

Are you and your family close? I for one am very close to mine so I know I’d be seeing them every week being closer, where as atm I see them once a month and it’s not enough for us.

What about somewhere in the middle like Exeter?

Imagine you lived next door to your parents/his parents. What would they do practically that they can’t over a few hours drive? I know that if we lived closer to the in laws they would have the DC one day a week or help out with school runs/babysitting on an adhoc basis. Whereas we live about 15 minutes from my mum and she has babysat twice in 4 years when DS was asleep, which is her choice. I suppose what I am saying is think about whether being closer would change anything.

We moved out of Bristol when my little
Boy was 2
We regretted it sooo much
We both grew up in Bristol so we were used to having it all on our doorstep

We've now moved back :)

Having kids in Bristol is amazing because there is soo much to do! And there are also a lot of people who don't have family support so stick together if that makes sense

What area of Bristol do you live in?

I grew up in Cornwall and found it so boring, I was dependent on my parents taking me everywhere, no nightclubs, cinema or bowling unless I went over to Plymouth.
My children don't like it here either, there's not a lot to do when your young and don't appreciate the view.