Dropped the ball for months. Now totally overdone it. Feeling guilty and in pain

[inthemuddle]

I've been feeling really depressed for quite a long time and sort of spiralled into a place where I wasn't taking care of myself mentally or physically, or anything to be honest, my house got absolutely disgusting. I woke up today and sort of snapped and thought I can't live like this anymore. I ended up cleaning for 9 hours straight. I had to scrub crap off the floor on my hands and knees before mopping it was that bad. Pulled out every sofa, table, cabinet, bed etc to clean behind and underneath, scrubbed every inch of every room the walls skirting floors windows sinks toilets showers baths, hoovered mopped everywhere. I didn't even drink anything I just started cleaning and didn't stop. I finished 2 hours ago. It was disgusting how bad it was. Both spare bedrooms had no floor and were just heaped with a mix of clean and dirty laundry. Toddlers room stunk of soiled nappies and their sheets made me cry as I hadn't changed them in so long they were just awful. My bedding was so bad too. I cried while cleaning it I felt so ashamed it's been this bad.

The relief of the house being literally spotless I thought I would get just isn't. I feel like an awful mum. And physically I feel like I've been hit by a lorry. I've had a bath for an hour and every part of my body hurts like I've done a full gym workout. My hands are swollen and I have eczema on my hands anyway which is now red and angry from all the cleaning products. My ankles and feet are throbbing. My legs are agony. I don't know what to do with myself I'm just feeling like a failure and an idiot and crying in bed now.

Aww OP you have done an amazing and necessary thing, but yes it is very physical work and your body is feeling it

Rest tomorrow, but also look at what you achieved and how lovely everything is and tell yourself - don't let it get to that stage again

When is your new baby due? Congratulations

You will feel better after a good night's sleep and you can take it easy tomorrow. Do you have ointment to soothe your eczema? Next time, make sure you wear gloves.

Now you have your home sorted, just do a bit each day to keep on top of things.

You've done so well and deserve a treat!

Op I second what pp have said but also want to ask how you feel your mental health is?

Not being able to keep up with housework is an indication of depression and given how bad you feel now makes me think their might be something more going on?

Do you have any help or support, what about a partner?

Well done for getting it done! Instead of feeling guilty for letting it get to that point, you should feel super proud you got it done. And as PP said, it might be a good idea to speak to someone about being referred to the perinatal mental help team. You sound overwhelmed, and I'm sure you want to avoid this happening again.

I had depression from a bereavement and only ever did the essentials with regards to housekeeping. Just like you, one day I could finally 'see' all the mess and just like you, ploughed right into it. One room, deep clean, per day for 5 days. It is exhausting and tedious so it's totally reasonable you've been thinking about the guilt etc but that's part of the purge. You've done a massive first step!
It's why I became a minimalist and was brutal in the decluttering. Take some time to find yourself again now, you've been suffocating mentally and physically but you've had a big breath of energy put into you. Seize it! Focus on what was compared to what now is! I took before and after photos when I did my purge. Its a massive motivation to keep going.
Honestly, you have done so, so good to make a start on pulling yourself out of the dark. Keep it going, take care of yourself and actually treat yourself for doing this! Purge, purge, purge the house and organise it so nothing becomes a stumbling block to put you off a certain chore. Good luck and hugs! Move forward and leave the guilt behind, its just because you're tired that the bad thoughts are creeping in instead of the massive achievement you've accomplished.