Feeling PFB and protective before baby is here - hormones?

[TashieWoo]

I’m just going to be honest here, as I’m worried that how I’m feeling could affect my relationship with DP and it’s making me feel miserable and angry, which isn’t really me.

I’m 32 weeks and feeling increasing anxiety and dread about my ILs being around my baby. They mean well but they can be overbearing, MIL in particular, and I feel a bit smothered by them so I don’t want my DD to feel the same. They are moving closer to us when baby is born (currently 2.5 hours away, will go down to about 30 mins) and want to be called as soon as I am in labour, they will stay in a hotel though. They also want to come round without calling first and MIL has gone on about how much she wants to bond with the baby. She doesn’t have an easy relationship with DP’s brothers’ wives so I think she’s been burnt, but then she does play the victim a bit.

They have older GC but this is the first from my DP. They thought our baby was going to be a boy and were disappointed when they found out she was a girl, and didn’t really hide it. I will say that they have also made comments on my skin, like if I have a spot they notice it and MIL poked one once. They just aren’t very diplomatic.

But what gets at me most is their ignorance (again MIL in particular). I want to get a monitor with additional temperature & heart rate monitoring but she disagrees, and I’m looking into having a few black & white accessories and books for the baby’s sensory development, but she disagreed. I know she means well and I approach things from an anxious perspective, but it’s only because I want to do my very best and I approach most things that are important to me in the same way.

But at the same time I feel like I don’t want to expose my baby to ignorance and stupidity, particularly at the beginning. I don’t want anyone kissing her face due to infection risk, and I know MIL will have trouble with that. I just don’t want her to have much influence on the baby, but I know that sounds awful.

My parents are very different and I know they will be a help after baby is born, but DP’s generally won’t be.

I don’t really know what I want to get from this post, but I can’t keep feeling like this as it’s starting to take over!

Set your boundaries early. You need to advocate for yourself and your baby.

They want to be called when you’re in labour? Just laugh and tell them that won’t be happening.

They disagree with things you’ve bought for your baby? Breezily reply that you know what you want, and you’re happy with your choices

They say they’ll come over without calling? Tell them that you won’t be accepting unplanned visitors, with a small baby

Stand up for yourself and what you want. Be clear and to the point.

Start standing up for yourself now. If she comments on your skin or pokes you tell her she is being rude. If she disagrees with you on baby issues tell her it's your choice. Start being firm now.
My dh called both sets of parents to let them know I was in labour, but it wasn't as though they could turn up at the hospital, so I don't see an issue with this, but your choice again.
Be clear about when they can and cannot visit. No turning up unannounced.

As pp set your boundaries quickly.
You can be polite but enforce that it is your child and you will raise them appropriately.
Get the monitor and black and white resources.
You don’t need to run any of that past them- it’s your money!
Explain that yes once the baby is born you'd love for them to meet her but you need some time to settle so it might not be the first day.
I’m 33 weeks and explain to both my parents and in laws that once we’re home I’ll phone and tell them when to come over. My parents were initially upset at the idea of not being there straight away but j politely explained that j won’t know how I’m feeling and might jusg need a little time as the three of us.

What is your partner saying about it all?

They should not be turning up without checking it with you/asking if it’s okay. Absolutely not. Set that boundary straightaway, in the strongest terms.

It’s none of their business what monitors/other equipment you choose to use. Just ignore them.

You need to set things out very clearly with your DP so that he knows exactly what you need and how to ensure you get it.

I felt exactly like you with the i laws and to be honest they were very full on with dd1 - a lot of emotional blackmail if tried to set boundaries etc- but I think it's a very hormonal thing and I look back now and see that they actually were not around that much in the grand scale of things and were loving and caring around all the kids as babies. They definitely get less interested after the baby phase as well! But were /are very useful as babysitters when needed. I think you need to make it clear they can't just turn up uninvited - say you want to get baby into a routine or something (even if you don't) but don't worry to much about influence etc. My kids are now much older (10-15) and in-laws have developed terrible 'all lives matter' type views and the kids just take the piss out of them behind their backs - they still love them but they know their faults . Think about your own relationship with your grandparents - it's nothing like what you have with your parents .

The thing is I’d like my parents to be more involved and my DM may even be a birthing partner if I’m allowed 2, but my parents are different, will listen to me and will want to help rather than making it all about them, as the ILs are prone to doing.

But I don’t think this is the sort of situation where I can be accused of being all ‘one rule for them and one rule for us’?

I haven’t said much to DP yet but I think he can sense it. I’ve been running it by my mum first and she is saying that while MIL has rubbed me up the wrong way, I shouldn’t look for problems before they’ve happened but I do need to stand up for myself. I’ve told DP what the ‘rules’ should be re kissing baby and smoking (don’t have that issue with ILs) and he is just listening and fully supportive, and he is on board with all the stuff I want to buy, he’s interested as well. But he knows I’m getting a bit tetchy with his parents. He gets on really well with mine which is lovely, and he knows his are hard work sometimes.