Am I an awful person for considering an abortion?

[newmamabear4]

I am so conflicted. I am 32 and my partner and I have a little boy who is 16 months old. We had our baby in lockdown and I have to admit I really struggled with adapting to motherhood. I adore my son, he’s amazing but I’ve found motherhood to be very lonely and isolating. It’s also changed so many aspects of my life, that I was totally unprepared for, mainly my relationship with my partner but also my professional path, my friendships, my body (all the usual stuff). I’ve been very open with my soon to be husband (getting married in May) and explained that I’m not sure if I will ever want a second child and if we did that I would like it to be a number of years down the line. We recently went away and had a (very rare) night of passion fuelled by a few drinks and I have today found out that we conceived that night. Prior to having my son we lost a baby and it was such a blow to us and took us some months to fall pregnant again. Now that I’m pregnant again, so quickly and easily I genuinely do not know what to do. I am so torn. I am also very frustrated with us for being so foolish and putting ourselves into this position. My gut is telling me that we (or selfishly me) are absolutely not ready for a second baby for multiple reasons… my mental health around motherhood, financial reasons and also the fact that we seem to be just getting our relationship back on track. I have also just settled back into work and this week agreed to take on extra hours on a permanent basis which is a decision I have been so excited that my employer supports. But I just don’t know if I could ever forgive myself if I terminated a baby and then regretted it or couldn’t conceive again in the future. I know so many people who have fertility struggles etc and I am so worried about what people would think of me if I had an abortion, especially our families. My partner has said we just need to discuss it over the weekend, ultimately I know he will support me no matter what, but part of me feels like deep down he would like to keep the baby. Do I follow my gut and contact my GP for an abortion or do I take a chance on baby number two being a different experience 2nd time round? Has anyone been through anything similar? (irrespective of what decision you made)

please only include supportive comments/suggestions

It was a year ago this month I was in your exact position- same age as you, same age DC, same worries. DH was out of work so the potential financial implications were frightening. I remember my first instincts were similar to you, I was seriously considering an abortion.

In the end I didn't go for it, but it was different in that I did always foresee having at least two DC. I miscarried at 10w and was (and still am tbh) devastated. I'd just needed to get my head around it and get used to the idea, realising the positives of a small gap, etc. I took the view "I want two eventually and it'll be shit initially but we'll cope and get through it". It was hard when I got to the due date and DD was much more independent and I realised it wouldn't have even been as bad as I'd imagined when I was wondering what to do.

I would just say that, if you're still at an early stage, give yourself time to mull it over and really think about it. You're absolutely not a terrible person for considering all your options, or having a termination if you think that that is the right choice for you. I have outlined my logic above, but there's no right or wrong answer here so long as you allow yourself the luxury of time to think, if you have it.

@TheCraicDealer thank you so much for your reassuring words. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I know first hand how devastating it is. And situations like that are exactly why I am so conflicted, I feel so privileged to be in this situation as I know so many aren’t and desperately want to be. I think what you’ve said is key, we need to take our time and mull it over. I think I might also confide in some friends/family who have had two close together for their experiences too.

This is such a personal decision...
But no you are definitely not a horrible person.
Motherhood is hard. Especially when your life changes so drastically... your relationships etc.
I am struggling with this too so totally get it.
My DD is 10 months old and I am pregnant again. There are days I feel like I can't do it. Like I am depressed and don't want this.
Most days I feel like I can power through. It will be tough but then I am done having babies. And they will have each other. And we get to experience all the amazing stuff that comes with having a baby! (It's not all bad!)
I hope that after a couple of years I will slowly start building a new life around my family when the time comes.
But again this is how I personally see it.

I wouldn't discuss with your friends or family yet though... in case people push their opinions on you or make you feel guilty. It could get awkward no?

Of course your not an awful person. Being a mother is very hard even when you really want to be. There is no right answer, whatever you do will be ‘right’ for you. You may always wonder but your life will take a path and be good either way.

@Singmu

you need to start your own thread. You have put your post as a reply in someone else's. It you report you post to mumsnet they will delete it for you and you can set up your own

OP, there is nothing awful about a woman making the choice to abort.

Sorry first time and not very good with technology!! Will sort out now.

It's a decision only you can make and you are definitely not a bad person for considering your options.
I do want to say, however, that I totally saw myself in your description of how you feel about how your life has changed. I struggled massively after the first year of motherhood as I felt like I had totally lost my sense of self. I was the first one of my friends to have a baby so felt quite isolated. We had just moved to a new city, I had given up my job for the move and got pregnant before I could find a new role. It was tough. In the end I started seeing a psychotherapist. Only had about 5 or 6 sessions but it made the world of a difference to my outlook on motherhood.
So you might find that therapy/councelling of some sort might help you to navigate this situation, no matter what route you take in the end. You could go via your GP/maternity team and maybe they have something in place already for situations like yours. Private would probably be quickest and I know that if money is an issue, some therapists work on a sliding scale to make their services accessible.

This thread is 11 months old, hope the op had made a decision she's happy with.