Pregnancy plans after neonatal death

[darknessandlight88]

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet. I had an EMCS at 35 weeks at the beginning of Feb. Our DS died 9 days later. Cause of death still TBC. Me and my DH are devastated but are trying to move through as best we can. He was our firstborn. We want to TTC again as soon as possible. We are awaiting an obstetrician appt to discuss further but it seems people do get pregnant again earlier than 6 months post c section. We’re hoping TTC around 3 months if all is well. I think my post op recovery is ok though I am getting low back pain and some right sided upper abdominal pain on walking. I’m 36 this year and don’t want to leave things too late. Nothing will ever replace our DS but we so want a take home baby, and hopefully two. The waiting feels unbearable. Wondering how others navigated this.

Whilst not quite the same, our son was stillborn at 30 weeks. I attended my routine midwife appointment and she couldn't find a heartbeat. We were referred to the hospital for a scan and subsequent delivery. Our son was born at the end of May. I was 35 at the time. We wanted to wait for the post mortem to check whether the cause was anything genetic. Although I didn't have a Caesarian, my period returned in July. The following June we had a healthy baby boy, who is now 10. We had extra scans every 3 weeks after 30 weeks as they had determined placental failure. Our pregnancy was consultant led and I did feel reassured every step of the way. Good luck to you and your husband in your journey xx

Also not entirely the same but we lost our son when he was 18 months old. He did have a number of congenital health issues though was not expected to have a reduced life expectancy. I was 14 weeks pregnant at the time. What I would say is that I have had very good support from the maternity services - consultant led, making sure I always see the same doctor/same midwife, consult with a geneticist, extra appointments and they have also put a post-natal plan in place (ie baby will be checked by a senior paediatrician before discharge (rather than just a harassed junior doctor who has to see all the babies on the ward who each get about 4 minutes).

As you say nothing will replace the baby you lost and no doubt you will find things difficult at times (in the latter stages of my pregnancy I am finding the grieving process particularly difficult, I think mostly because of the hormones). While we obviously never intended things to be this way, the baby does give us something positive to focus on.

I would say speak with your consultant and take it from there - hopefully you will have a sympathetic one like we do and make sure you ask for whatever extra support might be available.

@darknessandlight88 hi OP, firstly I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, it really is the most unimaginable pain and the beginning feels like life will never move on. I lost my DS1 at 6 days old a few years ago. He was born via CS & it took around 13 weeks for my cycle to return & then a further 2 months for it to regulate. I read story after story about those TTC after loss & it seems to happy to the majority quite quickly, which drove me a bit mad. I eventually fell pregnant 7 months after our loss & went on to have a straight forward, healthy pregnancy. I was really closely monitored by fetal medicine with bi-weekly scans & my consultant went above & beyond for us, despite not really needing the extra monitoring, it was more for anxiety. There really isn't much I can say to make you feel any 'better' at this point, except allow yourself the time to grieve. I found setting little goals for each month & having something to focus on except TTC helped, but it's always at the back of your mind I guess. Sending lots of love & baby dust your way❤️

Hi OP, I am so sorry that you lost your precious irreplaceable child. It is a terrible loss. I'm just so sorry.

I lost my first son at a day old due to brain damage caused by undiagnosed vasa previa 8 years ago. Totally unexpected, i had a perfect pregnancy that ended in an emergency section but it was too late. I was 34 and we had been trying for 2.5 years, he was IVF. I remember so clearly the fog of pain and shock and was also told to wait 6 months before TTC again.

We waited for 5 months (but needed IVF again) and then had a miscarriage and two failed cycles. Ended up getting pregnant with my second son 9 months after my first son was born, and he was born at 36 weeks, exactly 17 months to the day after his older brother. I then went on to have two more children - all c sections, all IVF, at 37 and 40, so I have had 4 sections total and have 3 living children.

If you don't mind a repeat section I think that the guidance was that it's okay after 3 months. For a VBAC ideally you'd wait 6. I remember frantically googling the exact same thing. I know exactly how tortuous it is. But the time will pass, even though you're in hell now - that is what time does even when it crawls. I promise you will be happy again even though you are in so much pain. Sending you love and light and healing from a person who was in your shoes 8 years ago.

Hi all, thanks so much for your replies @JuniperBerry1 @Fleur405 @mylion @CritterPants. I can't tell you how much comfort reading them has brought me. I'm also so sorry to hear that you all experienced similar losses. We finally have an obstetrician appointment next week and are hoping that a lot of our questions can be answered then. Unfortunately because of more bad luck, I don't think we will ever find out the cause of death. But all we can do is accept this and continue moving forwards. Like you say, time moves unbearably slow and is so painful at times. I've also developed pelvic girdle pain (which I think I had a bit during pregnancy) which isn't helping. I'm reassured to hear of your subsequent positive birth stories and this is definitely something to hold on to. Somehow trying to plan goals that don't involve TTC will be important I think. After taking a few months off, I can envisage getting back to work and that being helpful. However, at the moment I can't bear the thought of socialising with anyone, especially friends and family who are pregnant or have children. It's just so painful. I know this will probably ease with time as you say, so we'll just try and hang in and keep going. DH has been amazing and we are helping each other through which is a real blessing. And DS gifted us so much strength, love and light which helps to carry us as well. Love to you all.

@darknessandlight88

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my first born daughter last February when she was 10 days old to meningitis so I know exactly how you feel!
I was desperate to immediately start trying again.
I struggled being around people and socialising and the only thing that got us through those first few months was throwing ourselves into fundraising in our daughters memory.
I think my periods were back by May and I fell pregnant again in the June but unfortunately miscarried (nothing to do with c section - I have a blood condition). People had things to say about us trying again so soon.
My partners brother then announced they were expecting and I couldn't bear to be around them or even talk to family if they were mentioned.
I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and so far it's a healthy pregnancy. I am 12 months pp now.
Keep believing because it is possible. A lot of people will have their own views on what's too soon or what you should be doing but you know what's right for you.
We will never replace our Daisy but we want to make her proud to be a big sister whilst she plays in the stars in the sky xx

Hi @DawnDaisy, firstly thank you so much for your message and sorry for the delayed reply. I'm so sorry that you lost your precious little Daisy after 10 days. However, knowing you share a similar experience is comforting and helps remind me that we are not alone. I'm so pleased for you that you are pregnant again and I sincerely hope that everything goes smoothly this time. I can only imagine the anxiety. I definitely know what you mean about 1) other people having their own views and 2) the difficulties of being around family or friends who are pregnant/with babies or young children. I don't know how long I'll continue to feel like this but it is what it is and that's ok. Reminding ourselves that we have to do what is right for us, as you say, is so important. I think most people are understanding about it. We have been going to some SANDs groups which has been helpful, too, and our bereavement midwife has been exceptional. I haven't gotten my periods back yet, but I hope they come soon. The obstetrician basically said it was OK to try again after my first or second period. Because the interval gap between pregnancies will hopefully not be too long, I also feel anxious to get my body 'into good shape' as I'm seeing a physio about some ?post-natal/pelvic girdle pain type issues, but trying just to take each day at a time and not put too much pressure on myself. Fundraising in Daisy's memory was a lovely thing to do. We have done this as well, alongside making changes to some hospital practices and donating milk - all in the name of furthering DS's great legacy. Much love and the kindest of wishes. xx

I’m so sorry that your precious baby died. Your pain comes through in your messages along with some strong resilience. I haven’t lost a new born but did had multiple miscarriages and still remember all these years later how alone with my pain I felt at the time. Wishing you all best with your future TTC. I had lots of pelvic issues after a dramatic birth and struggled with it for years, as NHS physio said nothing they could do. I recently saw a private physio who specialises in sports and Women’s health and she’s got me almost pain free after just one session. For me, one of my tendons had got strained and then tightened and was constantly tugging on one side of pelvis which caused the majority of the pain. So I would speak to a sports physio to see when they can see you to help with your pelvic issues. As pp have said, the key to TTC and future pregnancies will be to find the right support for you. The NHS can be quite stretched so if you can afford it some private doula type support may help you. After my multiple miscarriages, I found I could only really enjoy my pregnancies in retrospect. I had some great support and some days just used to focus on hanging on to bedtime.