Partner doesn't want want to keep 3rd pregnancy

[larkin29]

I found out a fortnight ago I'm pregnant with my 3rd child and my partner has reacted badly to this news.

We have been together 2 years and I have two children from a previous relationship aged 3 & 6.
We had a unplanned pregnancy which resulted in miscarriage at Christmas, both of us were devastated by this as we had always been opem about wanting a child together... so we weren't officially trying but let nature take its course and I have become pregnant straight away which I guess we weren't expecting to happen but I was over the moon with this this news.
My partner on the other hand said he's decided he doesn't want to be a dad anymore mainly because it will ruin his life and stop him travelling.and financially things will be tighter ie we need a bigger house and car. This is money he wants to spend on himself enjoying life as he feels he hasn't lived yet due to a toxic previous long term relationship (he's 30)
He's an amazing stepdad to my children and loves them dearly but loves the fact they are with their dad every other weekend so we can have our time.
Our weekends are often spent away in the campervan which I feel is something we can achieve with a baby but he has big plans to travel abroad and climb mountains ect... I've said I would never stop him achieving his dreams but he's convinced that this baby will. He can't achieve his goals at the moment anyway due to not having had covid jab (please no judgement on this) it could be years before he can freely travel without this or maybe never!!

I've said I'd consider an termination which he says he doesn't want me to have to go through as I'd said its something I'd never do.... Right now I feel like it's the right thing to do but I'm so low right now I'm not sure I'm in the right mind frame and will regret this decision. Just seeing the sadness on partners face about having to become a dad breaks my heart.
I will miss our time alone at weekends but always assumed we would become parents together as it's always something he said he wanted. For me I feel like if I don't keep this pregnancy then that's the end of having kids for me as going through a miscarriage then a termination straight after would be too emotionally hard for me to consider another pregnancy in the future. My partner has asked if I'd consider giving him a child in a few years as I'm still young (29) but I feel like it's unfair of him to ask me to do that but also understand this is pretty much his last chance to have a child with me.
I'm worried if we go ahead with this pregnancy I'll end up raising the child myself (a big factor in why I left my previous relationship, it was also a mentally abusive relationship ) my partner says he will never leave me whatever happens and we do have such a strong relationship which I worry whichever path we choose will affect this. I've been so happy will life the last couple of years and feel so loved in my relationship that i do wonder if termination is the right thing to do to keep our relationship strong and happy? As a third child is a big change... We also have three dogs one of which is a puppy. Another factor on my my partner doesn't want this baby.

Anyone in a similar situation I'd love to hear what path you followed.

I don’t think you should terminate a pregnancy to keep a partner happy..

I think your partner is right. If he’s going to be an equal partner in raising this child then yes, dreams of climbing mountains and travelling the world will have to be postponed for a fair number of years. Taking a tiny baby away every weekend in a campervan is doable, but as they get older it’ll become less and less so. Life will change for him, unless he walks away.

However, why on earth didn’t he think of this before having unprotected sex with you? Why is he now putting you in this awful situation you don’t want to be in? He sounds generally quite unrealistic and unreliable to be honest - how does he think you’ll achieve all these things with 3 dogs and his step DC in tow for a start anyway?

You shouldn’t have a termination for him, but there is every chance you could be raising this child alone - you can’t make a person change.

I don’t think relationships are able to come back from something like this.

He’s gone from wanting to actively try for a baby to definitely not ever wanting to be a dad in the space of about three months. Presumable he’s not stupid and understands how babies are made - especially after you getting pregnant and having a miscarriage. If, after the miscarriage, he changed his mind, he should have taken responsibility for using contraception rather than leave things up to chance and now let you have to shoulder the physical and emotional toll all on your own.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for that. And for that reason the relationship would be over - whether it ends now or limps on for a bit longer - I’d never be able to feel the same about him.

As for what you do about the baby, whatever you decide should be based on the premise that you’ll be doing it alone.

I'm worried if we go ahead with this pregnancy I'll end up raising the child myself.

I think this is a real risk, particularly as your DP can't make his bloody mind up and acts before he thinks. TBH, I wouldn't even consider having a DC with someone who is so immature and selfish, but it's up to you. Are you up for being a single parent to three?

I think you need to make the assumption that you will be raising this child alone, his plans don't seem realistic with 2 young children, let alone 3!

On this basis, do you want to bring another baby up as a single parent? Will you be able to manage financially? How will it affect your existing children if there's a new sibling who will need lots of your time and attention? Do you have space in your house for another child or able to move somewhere bigger on your own finances?

Your partner has a responsibility to this pregnancy as he entered into it willingly, and knowingly.
Wanting to travel but hasn't had his jabs,ndoesnt sound like he's taking any steps towards the things he wants in life but he wants to prevent you taking the steps towards what you've wanted (a 3rd child).
Sounds like your guy needs a massive reality check. Don't make your decision in order to keep him happy, sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I don't mean to sound rude, but your man sounds very immature.
He wants to travel the world before he has children but can't because he's not been vaccinated, so a child wouldn't put these plans on hold.
Also, you have children already and those plans should also include your children and not only be with the 2 of you when the kids are away.
I have a DD from a previous relationship who's almost 13 now. When I found out I was pregnant, her Dad didn't want her at all and stupidly I'd booked a termination just because he wanted to before I'd even thought about it. I went all the way into the room that day before thinking wtf am I doing, and it was the best decision I ever made. Her Dad adores her and they have a great relationship, he just didn't feel ready at the time.
You need to do what's best for you. I understand you don't want to bring up a baby on your own especially having done it previously, but at the end of the day it's down to you. Your partner told you he doesn't want you to go through a termination so what does he suggest? Because it won't just disappear.
On the other hand, he may be scared. Your previous MC may have him feeling like he doesn't want to get his hopes up of a family, and and didn't take any precautions not to have another, then I think he knew there would be a chance of another pregnancy.
Nobody can tell you what to do OP, but choose for yourself and not for a man. You're the one that will need to go through whatever decision you make.
Having a termination could also mean a breakdown of a relationship if he isn't there emotionally and you could find yourself regretting the decision.
I hope you're okay 💕 I know it's a difficult place to be in