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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to tell my friends, who are going through difficult times, I'm pregnant?

20 replies

LittleJoby · 17/02/2022 13:09

I'm 12 weeks pregnant and I know around now is the time I should tell people I'm pregnant. Here's the thing, it's not my first pregnancy, I miscarried at 10 and a half week's last time which was tragic for myself and my husband. This time we've had a lot of anxiety so just happy to have gotten to this 12 week mark (but still a little anxious).

I have two best friends who were the most supportive people any woman can ask for during our loss. I'm desperate to tell them now as I know they'll be happy for me, but I don't know how to bring it up.

Since our loss one of them, who was ready to start a family, realised her husband's new job realistically meant she couldn't have a baby for a year as while the business takes off he's working 7am to 1am 6 days a week. If she has a baby during that time it'll impact on the little sleep he has, plus she'll have no support which she knows will strain their relationship. So best to delay in regards to the bigger picture, but that does not mean it isn't a heart breaking decision for her as she's so ready to be a mum.

My other friend is not in a good place. She's desperate for a baby and for marriage, but after 13 years he still hasn't made that commitment to her and it's always "not the right time", or so he says. If she had her way she would have 2 children running around by now. Whenever we go to any big events, e.g. a wedding, she gets extremely drunk (not like her) and her real feelings come out of how unhappy she is.

So how do I tell them I'm pregnant? Yes, they'll be happy for me because they are such ridiculously good people. But how do I tell them in a way that gives space for them to feel the sadness (at not having it themselves) that I know I'd feel if the situation was reversed and I was desperate for a baby? I'm worried that if I spring it on them face to face I'll be making the situation more difficult for them, but equally don't want to give them just a text as it feels so impersonal after everything they've done for me, plus the fact they're my best friends.

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Holidaycomedown · 17/02/2022 13:13

Just text them. They can reply when they want to and don't need to put on a brave face.

Honestly this shouldn't be very hard news for them though, they aren't pregnant right now because they aren't trying to be. It's not like they're struggling with infertility or recurrent miscarriage

gogohm · 17/02/2022 13:15

Just tell them, good friends will be happy for you.

MayMorris · 17/02/2022 13:22

I was exp3citing to read one friend had infertility issues or stillborn o4 miscarriage. However both these friends stories sounds like they’re both in situations that are by their choice. They are staying with a Guy who she hopes will suddenly change his mind re commitment- he probably won’t. And the other is agreeing to her partner working himself into the ground at expense of her happiness. That is their problem to sort. Yes, you can be supportive friend who can listen and offer advice- but it’s their decision and they can takes steps to change that.

You have had a difficult time with miscarriage and now are pregnant- you need to tell them. You can’t not get pregnant because they are putting up with crap behaviour form their partners.

I’d also bear in mind that in a lot of cases friendships fade when just one of friends had family and other don’t , unless other friend is trying for child r thinking of it in near future. Having a child changes the dynamics and practicality of that friendship- girly nights out are more difficult in early days, your child will be the sum of your possible interests for the first few years simply because you don’t have time or energy to think about much else. When your child is old enough to move and talk you’ll not get through a conversation without interruption to deal with them. You will find your friendship groups move more to other mums naturally. Those former friends become occasionally meet ups. But the good news is, if you stay in touch once the kids have left home you rediscover those friendships as I am now

So, if they react badly it isn’t an issue , you’re just fast forwarding what’ll probably happen anyway. Don’t force the issue, don’t burn bridges, don’t take the hump if they’re not interested in you, your pregnancy or your baby…find new friends and let your old ones evolve.

GuidingSpirit · 17/02/2022 13:48

@Holidaycomedown

Just text them. They can reply when they want to and don't need to put on a brave face.

Honestly this shouldn't be very hard news for them though, they aren't pregnant right now because they aren't trying to be. It's not like they're struggling with infertility or recurrent miscarriage

Agree with this. We had been trying to get pregnant for a long time when a friend of mine video called out of the blue to tell me she was expecting. She obs thought it was a nice thing to do because she kept saying how she wanted to tell me face to face. But it meant I had to put on a brave face whilst chatting about work when really i wanted to go off and cry. Message them at a time when you know they wont be at work or busy. Give them time to work through the news themselves and don't worry if they take a step back for a while. They might just need some space.

Lottapianos · 17/02/2022 13:55

Very thoughtful of you to even consider their feelings like this. Not many people would. I disagree with previous posters - even thought they have made their choices, it can still hurt. Baby news can feel like a punch in the guts. They will be happy for you but may be very sad for themselves. I agree with the advice to test rather than do it face to face

Original poster

LittleJoby · 17/02/2022 13:57

Thanks so much, I really appreciate that as I do worry about giving them time to feel as it's okay to be sad. I mean, when I was lying in a hospital bed miscarrying my brother was sending me pics of his brand new baby and I found it so hard to be happy for him (and selfish for not being). I really appreciate the advise as these girls have been my friends for almost 20 years, I want to respect their emotional needs as much as possible. It's great to get insight from someone who's had that experience I'm worried about giving my friends. Means I can make sure I do the right thing!

OP posts:

snowdropsanddaffodils · 17/02/2022 13:59

Honestly I think you are over thinking slightly? These aren't women who have suffered the trauma and heartbreak of loss or infertility treatment. Theirs are social / lifestyle reasons why they have not had a child - basically it is their choice - friend 1 has chosen to put off until her partners work is in a better place and friend 2 has chosen to stay with her partner.

DaveGrohl · 17/02/2022 14:02

There’s no time you “should” tell people. After 6 miscarriages I didn’t tell people until after my 20 week scan (l tend not to get much of a bump!)

Omgwhatthehell · 17/02/2022 14:24

I have just dealt with a similar situation. I'm 16+5 and knew I would be starting to show in a few weeks.

My friends include a couple who have been trying to conceive for years with no luck, a friend who has always wanted children but has had a relationship break down and is now in her early 40's and feels she may have missed the boat, and also a friend who miscarried last year.
It doesn't help that my pregnancy was essentially an unexpected accident.

I don't want to announce anything on social media and I didn't just want to turn up to plans and announce the news face to face to these particular friends.

My DH felt I was overthinking it and that they would of course be happy, but I think he underestimates how hard it can be for some people who long for a child.

I chose to call or text them depending on how close I was so to them.
I then simply told them I wanted to give them a heads up about something, explained I was expecting a baby and when it was due, and that I thought I'd tell them in advance rather than surprising them with the news face to face because I appreciated they might have some mixed feelings.
They have all been happy for us and I feel better knowing I wasn't flaunting our news without thinking of their feelings. One of these friends specifically thanked me for being so thoughtful to share the news in advance.

Good luck however you tackle it! And congratulations.

JustWonderingIfYou · 17/02/2022 14:29

Just tell them. They are your friends and should be happy for you.

One of them has made a sensible decision to wait for the right time and the other has decided to stay with someone who doesn't want kids at the mo. Neither has had a great tragic loss- you are making a big deal of nothing.

Congratulations!

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2022 14:35

Send a factual text message. Being told “ I think this might be hard for you” actually makes it worse because it puts the fact you don’t react normally to what should be happy news right out there. They’ll know you’re being considerate without you having to spell it out.

Congratulations

Dipsydoodlenoodle · 17/02/2022 15:26

I sent my friends a WhatsApp saying "good friends get promoted to auntys" and attached the scan photo.

That way they can read it and take time to process it (if needed).

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2022 15:28

Please please please do not send a scan photo to anyone you think will be sensitive about a pregnancy.
It is literally the worst thing to receive.

Lottapianos · 17/02/2022 15:39

'Please please please do not send a scan photo to anyone you think will be sensitive about a pregnancy.
It is literally the worst thing to receive.'

Agreed. In fact, don't show them to anyone. It's way too personal and no one but you two needs to see them

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2022 15:45

The “good friends get promoted to aunty” thing isn’t something I’d say to someone who I knew wanted kids but wasn’t in the position to have them either. Even though it’s not intended that way, it really stings.

Omgwhatthehell · 17/02/2022 16:40

@Lottapianos

'Please please please do not send a scan photo to anyone you think will be sensitive about a pregnancy. It is literally the worst thing to receive.'

Agreed. In fact, don't show them to anyone. It's way too personal and no one but you two needs to see them

God no. I've only sent it to people if they have asked to see it. I don't really think anyone is that interested apart from DH, both of our mothers and one or two friends.

want2bemum · 17/02/2022 16:50

I am going through infertility treatment right now, so kind of understand your friends' feelings (although as above posters have said, their situations are not quite the same and more to do with their choices).

I think you should ask yourself, are you really sure that your friends will be upset, or are you making assumptions about how they will react?

I have had several friends announce pregnancies and have children during the time I've been having fertility treatment. I can honestly say I feel more happiness than any other emotion, and I'd hate to think they might hold back exciting news from me because of my IVF. Yes, what I'm going through is hard, but it doesn't mean I don't want to know about my friends' awesome news! And I would be excited for them!

I think if your friends can't put aside their own feelings and be happy for you then that is a shame.

Myownpapillon · 17/02/2022 16:56

Congrats op

I am infertile and the nicest announcements were those made to me personally by text ahead of any public/FB type announcements. It gave me time to process the news and whilst both my friend and sister who messaged me in this way were clearly excited about their pregnancies (rightfully so) they also acknowledged it may be tough for me so left it with me to call / message them whenever I was ready to. I felt they handled it really well and whilst I never expected any preferential treatment (and was happy for them both) it felt nice that they had considered my feelings.

Myownpapillon · 17/02/2022 17:00

I agree with @wanttobemum, I would have hated for any of my friends/family to feel like they couldn't share their news just because of my circumstances.

Catch32 · 17/02/2022 17:10

Just to say, when I got pregnant I videocalled a very close family member who is having fertility issues before everyone else, thinking it was the right thing to do.... I still profoundly regret the decision and wish I had messaged instead. Seeing their face go red as I broke the news was so uncomfortable. As others have advised, message them so that they can process the information in their own time, cry, complain, feel disappointed for themselves etc rather than having to put a brave face on for you.

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