Emotional and worried about being a bad mum and not coping!

[rebeldeca]

Hey everyone.
I’m 15+1 with my first viable pregnancy after a miscarriage last year. I’m diabetic and am having a lot of routine check appointments, keeping my diabetes under control is like a full time job - on top of my full time job!!! So that is an additional stress.

Basically I’m feeling a lot of pressure from family to start looking at what we need for when baby is here, what to buy, make lists etc. I went to Aldi to look at their special buys the other day, looked at everything and just started crying I felt so overwhelmed and confused!

I know I’ve got plenty of time but I am spending so much time at the moment crying and worrying that I won’t be a good mum, that I don’t know what the hellnim doing, just worrying why I’m not super excited and buying stuff for baby yet when my friends and family tell me I should be. I am excited to be pregnant but also largely terrified given my miscarriage last year and never having had a baby before!

My husband is super understanding and is happy to go at my pace, reassures me that things will be fine - but I can’t help spending time crying almost every day at the moment that I am so overwhelmed with what I need to do and everyone offering their advice!

I know there’s no easy advice for anyone to give but I suppose I’m after some reassurance that I’m not going totally crazy and that I’m not alone!!!

Hey! I'm feeling similar to you. I need to learn patience and to control my anger before the baby comes. I'm only 8 weeks so I know I have time, but when I get cross with my partner or puppy I just feel useless and that I will be a rubbish mum. I also had a MC a few months ago so can sympathise with your other concerns. I would just say it's none of anyone's business what you buy or when. I imagine they are just excited and perhaps want to know what they can buy to contribute? Tell them you will tell them in good time, but it will be in your own time. You've got enough on right now with everything else x

You will know/feel how to do things when your baby is here. Don't second guess yourself too much, just love your child and everything else will fall into place

Yeah people are getting carried away, I'm sure they mean well but they need to shush. Just say you're compiling an Amazon wishlist and you'll send it to them when you're ready. You could always find a baby essentials list on here or somewhere else online and chuck some stuff on the list if it'll keep people quiet but please don't panic. You have plenty of time. I know people on here have said they've ordered things online from hospital as sometimes you just don't know what you'll need until nearer the time.

I also know the feeling of being pregnant after a miscarriage and you do need a bit more time to get your head around things.

The best advice I was given when I got pregnant was ‘don’t take anyone else’s advice!!’ Next time someone says you need to get stuff just reply that you will get stuff when you are ready. I am nearly 18 weeks after years of infertility. DH and I plan to start buying things once we hit 30 weeks. I’m doing a bit of online browsing when I feel like it. There are lists everywhere online of what a hospital bag / nursery needs. I am putting money aside and will just go buy what’s on the lists nearer the time.

Do not listen to others, do what you want.
When you’re in a good place, get a piece of paper and pen and write a list of what you will need. A list for you, and a list for baby.
Keep the list visible so you can add to it if you think of something else. Don’t get overwhelmed, there are lists on the internet that have ridiculous things on them that you won’t need.
I didn’t buy anything until I was 24+ weeks, and then I bought the minimum. Didn’t buy a pram until after baby was born.
Do it your way.

Pregnancy is so scary and overwhelming, but the way you feel now does not mean you will not be able to cope when baby is here. I felt very similar, to the extent that I felt I had made a huge mistake and was not fit to be a mum.

Then dd was born, and it was like it just clicked into place. I had a moment of thinking, "oh! It's you! I can look after you!" and the anxiety and fear just melted away.

Worrying about being a good mum means you are one! When the time comes you can take it little bit by little bit and get to know your baby. It feels huge, but actually when the baby comes it feels like time slows down and you enter into this lovely little bubble of getting to know each other.

I will just say, my dd is now 8, and I also have a ds and they are both very happy, loved and thriving! I just don't cope with pregnancy very well!

Please see your GP or midwife about crying everyday even with all the hormonal changes you are going through this level of anxiety isn't good.

You will know what to do for your baby. Your love for them when they arrive will help as will being able to ignore everyone's 'advice', I got very god at the 'mmm... maybe' anytime someone tried to tell me what my baby needed then would change te subject.

In terms of everyone else if you don't feel you can, get your DH ( who sounds lovely btw) to have a word or send a quick message saying 'hi everyone we are excited for this baby but due to our history we aren't ready to start buying/ thinking about what the baby will need in 6 months time yet. At the moment we just want to focus on this special time and kindly ask you all to back the hell off'

I was totally like this (37 weeks now) I don't have diabetes but do have GD so have a vague idea.
Third trimester has been the best. With the GD my bloods and emotions have been all over the place. I had terrible anxiety which I thought was depression and was sure I'd have NPD I cried a lot. Often daily and it took a while to develop coping strategies and regulate my emotions

In terms of practical tips

• firm boundaries at work to relieve some pressure there.
• baby yoga am and pm (its not really my thing I think its a bit woo but was surprisingly helpful/good for everything. my dh did it with me)
• three short walks after eating (I made this a "nonnegotiable medical requirement" with work)
• talking to your partner. a lot. both about how you feel and what you need/he can do to help.

be really explicit/basic about what you need. My DH used to make and bring gd friendly meals and snacks at specific times. Reminds me when to test. Came on walks when he work allowed. He cleans the bathroom etc even when he thinks it's fine for another week (or whatever,l because it eases my anxiety.

• in terms of the "stuff" don't stress out just say you are still picking the exact ones you want and will let them know. I found picking smaller bits first (that were lower stakes) eased me into it. Little bits of clothes muslin cloth etc.
• I also went to JL with my DH mid week when it was quiet. That was helpful. You could potter and browse baby bouncers and try out the various prams without being heckled by relatives.

I slowly made a list of exactly what I wanted and got quite into it in the end

If you can speak to your midwife about how you're feeling it's normal to feel abit all over the place and it might be you just need abit of reassurance at the moment and for them to keep checking in with how you on this

I think like PP have said take all "advice" with a pinch of salt. When you feel ready to, I would do an antenatal course as that might just make you feel reassured - ideally one that covers the fourth trimester / (and breastfeeding - if you'd like to breastfeed)

I know it's meant well but saying "you'll immediately love your baby and know what to do" doesn't actually happen for everyone so it's okay if it takes you some time to grow into becoming a mum, you will find your way but yes if you're anything like me I didn't have a clue what I was doing (again pretty normal when I've talked to others!) and I also didn't have the immediate rush of love (this IS ok and normal for some women) it definitely all came with time though and I had support along the way

Breathe...there's plenty of time. You dont need everything the second baby arrives. And specially with amazon and supermarkets u can just order/buy it whatever u decide u need. I only staryed getting stuff at 30+ weeks, gove yourself time, dont allow anyone to pressure you , theres so so so many more weeks xxx