Seconds thoughts about second baby

[tooembarrassedtosay]

I've NC'd for this as I'm too embarrassed to say this in any of the groups I'm on. Currently pregnant (still early days) with my second. One DS age 20 months currently, there will be 2yrs 3 months between them. I'm 35, will be 36 when (if) I give birth. 4 months of TTC.

Have never been a clucky person, but always wanted a family - I love my own family and knew I didn't want to not have children. And for both me and my husband, 2 seemed like the right number. I think it still is, just having a wobble.

Please reassure me. I think the kick in of hormones / starting to feel sick & exhausted / the challenges my DS toddler brings with (for example) epic tantrums when we need to leave the park/shops/tv pff etc. and I'm just starting to think WTF have we done?!?! It's going to be hard chasing him around / giving him the time. It's going to be hard picking him up as I get bigger and he likes to be carried ALLL the time. How do you carry both when new baby arrives?! Going back to sleepless nights is going to be hard. BF is going to be hard. Probable c-section is going to be tough to recover with a toddler. It's going to be soooooo different with a second to how it is with just one.

Please give me up-lifting stories. I'm going to keep this thread going through my pregnancy so when I'm having a low time like now I can look at it.

I found it hard to imagine how I could love another child as much as dd it felt like some love might be taken away. But actually it's like there's just more love to go round. There's 27m between my two and actually it was a great gap. Close enough that they could play together when second dd was a bit older but also dd1 was walking, talking etc so she wasn't a little baby anymore. It is obviously harder having two than one but it isn't twice as hard and it is doesn't feel as hard as first time round because your already use to being a parent.

I actually found it easier in some ways having two - they entertain each other!

I found early pregnancy v tough, felt much better from the second trimester. Having two DC was hard work but, for me, sleep deprivation aside, much easier whilst on maternity leave than working with one baby/toddler.

Suggest changing the carrying thing, for the sake of your health! DC1 will likely have tantrums whatever you do on that, so might as well consider your own needs too.

Thank you @autienotnaughty . Was your DD1 jealous of the new baby? Did her behaviour change? I'm worried about DS's behaviour getting worse. Did you do potty training & bed rails down etc before the new baby arrived? What happened if you're sat BF and your DD needed a wee etc?

Your concerns and feelings are v understandable! Most of us muddle through OK

I think what you’re feeling is very normal, many women have wobbles about very much wanted babies. I think part of it is you know how hard it is now and before your first you didn’t, so it’s easier to imagine all that could be challenging, more than fantasise romantically like you might have with your first! Or maybe that’s just me. It is hard! For me, going from 1-2 though was nowhere near as hard as 0-1. Yes tiredness is hard, but in my case I’d been tired for 2yrs so knew I could survive it. The biggest thing is learning to juggle both, like you have identified. And a lot of that is just learning new skills around what works with your two, depending on both their temperaments. All the practical bits like section recovery, you can plan for help etc where possible, and rely more on tv than you feel comfortable. This is not to sound patronising, but reassuring: think how many women have been through this before you, struggled and learned how to do it. Don’t be hard on yourself, there will be struggles but you’ll get there.

I’m ttc number 2 shortly, I feel the same. But I see it as 18 tough months followed by years of benefits. It will be easier for me for DD to have a playmate in the long run, plus I will then have the family of 4 that I want so much. I don’t feel ‘done’ having babies and know I would be very sad if for whatever reason I couldn’t conceive again.

Won't lie, having a baby and a toddler was tough, but they're playing nicely in the living room while I sit in peace with a sausage sandwich and cup of tea so it's worth it in the long run
Wouldn't bother toilet training before the baby comes. 2y3m is young, and you absolutely don't want to toilet train a just turned 2 year old only for them to completely regress when the baby comes (seems to happen a lot). I waited until DC2 was about 3 months old, DC1 was a bit older then and cracked it easily.

We managed to get potty training in day done before dd2 was born but that was just luck that dd1was ready. Id definitely try but no pressure caus they'll only do it when they are ready. Dd1 had the cot with rails down so We got a crib which dd2 was in for first 4/5m then we bought a bed for dd1 and set cot back up for dd2. We got a double buggy but tbh we didn't use it much as dd1 preferred to walk so we got a buggy board instead. I did bf I just got use to doing it while on the move! luckily dd2 was a pretty good sleeper so nights weren't too bad.

The diff between my two is 2 years 8 months and I can honestly tell you that there are lots of little moments of chaos and it's is knackering/complicated/messy etc at times

BUT you muddle through and find ways to work it and then it just becomes a way of life and gradually gets easier.

Your oldest kid will quickly adapt and it's so lovely watching the younger one look up to the older one and try and copy them. It's a different experience. We did loads of classes with the older one when she was a baby, and I worried that I wasn't able to do the same dedicated things with the younger one, but in many ways, she was enriched by having a constant little play friend come mentor on hand all the time.

What you’re feeling is normal id say. I always wanted 2 kids. I wouldn’t say I’m clunky either, but did always want a 2 child family.
I’m currently over half way and so excited now. A little nervous about how we’re going to manage, my son will be 2year 11 months when baby 2 comes, but those feelings subside quickly. Try and enjoy your pregnancy. I think it goes in so quick the 2nd time around.

@Loopytiles thank you. I guess I should probably start getting him used to not being carried and just dealing with tantrums. I guess I just feel mean doing something knowing it will make him cry.

@Barrawarra thank you. I think that's partly it - before my DS I only got up to thinking about the birth bit. I didn't really think about how life would be afterwards. Now I know! Probably didn't help with lock down - husband had to leave directly from theatre and family weren't allowed to see me so hoping it's different this time round.

@Cheekypeach this is exactly my feelings. I want a family of 4. Just worried about fucking up our lovely family of 3. But good idea to think of it as 18 tough months followed by many good years. I'll contact you at the 18 month mark and tell you if you were right 😂

@EllieSattler thanks for the advice re: potty training. I guess because DS is 2 in summer months I thought that would be better for potty training and DC2 is due in Oct so I thought probably best to do before then. But maybe I'll wait?

I had the same age gap as you and no 2 was twins ! Even so I found it so much better second time round. Dc1 was hard work, I had PND and I hated the first year.. I actually really enjoyed my maternity leave second time round which was a huge relief and surprise. I found having to follow DC1s routine very helpful as I wasn't completely thrown by what I was supposed to all the time and we had very little jealously.

@autienotnaughty yes I'm hoping DC2 will be as good sleeper as DS. As for pram - I'm going to wait until nearly due to decide as not here about a double or buggy board. Re: the potty training I'll just see if he gives me any cues then and take it as it comes. I don't like the idea of doing with with a new born. But I guess it's more important to wait until they are ready.

@EllieSattler ... thanks. Now I want sausages 😂

@kirkandpetal thank you. Yeh, I hadn't really even thought about classes. My DS goes to a child minders 3x a week whilst I work and I did think I'd keep that going maybe a couple of sessions a week mainly to keep the space open as she's great, but also so I have some 1:1 time with the baby.

@Letsbekindplease good advice re:pregnancy. I did always think this before getting pregnant that I want to enjoy & savour everything because it will be the last time. So I need to keep this mindset.

I also put DC1 into pre school earlier than I would have done just after she was 2 BEFORE the babies arrived so she didnt feel she was being shipped off because they were here.

@Didiplanthis oh my gawdddd! This is a big fear of mine. I have actually decided to get an early scan around 6/7 weeks to check it's NOT twins. I really couldn't be coping with that!

My age gap is bigger in that my baby is 3 months and my toddler is 3, I had hoped for a closer age gap but didn't happen.

My toddler is still in his cot as he's a great sleeper and has never tried to climb out.

If he needs the toilet while I'm feeding (which he always does) I bring the baby and help him while still holding her. As your child is younger and might need more help you might need to sit her down. Yes she'll cry but you only have 1 pair of hands.

I potty trained before the new babies arrival but he did have quite a regression when she came.

I worried so much about how he would behave as he was already not the easiest child, and in fairness he's exactly the same. Yesterday's meltdowns included one because I hadn't made his breakfast right. It was the same breakfast he'd had all week so I'm still at a loss. Toddlers are tricky regardless of whether they have a new sibling. He does love to "help" so he brings me her bottle/nappy, wipes her mouth when she's drooling etc.

As my baby is only 3 months you would think she's not particularly interesting to him yet but he adores her! He gets so excited when she wakens, goes in and says hello wee darling. He always has kisses and hugs for her. It is to cute to watch.

My sister who has 4 children said to me some days you'll feel like you've got this, and some days you feel like you won't cope to the end of the day, and she's right. Some days are tough, but you'll manage. You'll figure out ways to do things, and before you know it they'll be playing together and entertaining each other.

Honestly.. it was ok ! I was absolutely terrified and was convinced I wouldn't cope but actually I think it lessened any jealously issues as there was always a baby not having all the attention too, I couldn't carry the baby all the time, the babies had to wait sometimes too etc...

@Didiplanthis didn't even know early pre- school was an option. That's why I'm thinking consistency with the childminder but it will obviously cost money that we don't really have to spare ... but I don't think you get funding until they are 3 or something?

I had a similar age gap. 2 years and six weeks with ours. You can do it. It is hard work and exhausting in the early days/years. But you can absolutely do it. I also had a csection with both DC.

My tips are to be prepared. DH took a month off work when DS2 was born. We kept DS1 in childcare for a month too so he had some stability and I could rest more.

DH and I made sure we split ourselves between the kids, so each DS always had one to one time with one of us. We made a big deal of DS1 being a big kid and being able to do big kid things while DS2 had to do boring baby things. DH tended to take DS1 out more in the early days, but I always made sure I had an hour or so with him each day for a cuddle etc.

When I fed DS2, I would sit DS1 down on the sofa with me and plonk the telly on for him. He watched a lot of paw patrol! He'd come for a cuddle too while I fed his brother.

I didn't potty train either DS until they were almost 3, they just weren't ready before that. Its also likely that the changes with a new baby can make then regress, so its better to wait IYSWIM.

Just take each day as it comes and do what you need to do to get you through each day. Do what makes you life easier. Do online food shopping or one adult goes out for the shop on their own without the DC. I still try to avoid taking both DC to the supermarket with me and my youngest is almost 7!

I think that having DS2 helped with DS1 toddler tantrums. I simply just had to ignore a lot of the tantrums while I dealt with DS2. He quickly learned it wouldn't wash and stopped it.

We didn't get funding at 2 but it was worth hitting the savings for to put her in 2 mornings a week so it was already her routine before they arrived and it gave me 2 mornings with the babies.

Took over two years to conceive number 2, and as soo as I got that positive line I was plagued with doubt on whether it was a good thing or not.

Five years later, it definitely was. Not going to lie, the first year was rough but it was absolutely worth it.

I had two and had a 2 year 8 month gap. My elder child is behind on speech so lots of tantrums when we couldn't meet his needs. 6 weeks before new baby came he was taking 3 hours to go to bed.

I always always wanted two so the boys have each other. There are times where is so hard like both being ill, or one after the other, both needing attention and feeding time is like being in zoo now (youngest is 1).

But when I see them together and how much the baby loves getting attention from big brother - it is worth it. Plus elder child loves being with baby too.

My older child was a tough baby, second baby was a delight so maybe that has helped? But second baby just comes for the ride - activities aimed at eldest.

@tooembarrassedtosay funding depends on situation. There's two year funding but that's for low earners, children with Sen, lac children. 15 hours funding starts term after three this goes upto 30 hours if both parents work more than 16 hours per week.