No one talks about the pain of mmc or mc

[Laura0729]

I found out earlier this week I have had a mmc. So shocking as DS was a perfect easy pregnancy.

We are so sad and upset, I didn't even know what a mmc was.

People don't seem to know what to say, 'think of it as cells not a baby' really hurts but I know people are trying to help.

I will meet with the Drs next week to discuss what happens next, does anyone know?

It's like my body just wants to keep this baby as our whole family do.

Any experiences would really help if you feel comfortable to share. Thank you.

I’m very sorry OP. I’ve had two MMCs so can sympathise. Do you mean the physical or emotional pain? I do think that both are now quite openly talked about if you’re looking, but if this is the first time you’ve even heard of it then you haven’t come across much discussion of course. In regards to the physical pain my first one was very bad and I had to take codeine. This was my first pregnancy. My second was after I’d had DC1 and was nowhere near as bad despite being a later gestation by a few weeks. Think my body knew what to do. I could address with paracetamol and ibuprofen. As far as emotional pain - well this varies hugely (did for me even between the 2). Just get lots of support from those that love you and professionals if necessary.

If your body doesn’t kick start the process naturally you will be offered tablets or a D&C (covid permitting) and they will tell you the risks of both. I had tablets both times.

Best of luck and be kind to yourself

I'm sorry for your loss. I had a mmc at 19 weeks in 2020. It was devastating. I live abroad and it was during a long lockdown so I didn't see that many people to talk to anyway but I understand how you feel about it. I found a counselling group of women in the same situation really helped plus I also journalled a lot which helped me work through my feelings. I wish you all the best and sending strength and warmth.

I'm so sorry. I really wish people would just say they're sorry rather than attempting to make you feel better by minimising your loss.

I recommend the Worst Girl Gang Ever podcasts and support group on Facebook.

I'm really sorry you're going through. It's a very painful time waiting on something to happen or medical management. I went through this recently myself. I got through it with good support from my partner, family and friends. I still have days where I'm very sad about it but it's gotten easier. I got an MVA, I recommend this over D & C as it is gentler on your uterus whereas D & C carries some risk of asherman syndrome. They don't tell you that. It is awful what you're going through. Don't let anyone minimise what you're feeling ❤️

Thank you all. You've helped.

Even the physical pain/ process is completely alien. I was told you may start to bleed. That was it. In the night I was suffering cramps which were there then gone (completely gone) and back again. I had no idea how long it could take and all it does is prolong the agony of no baby.

I had a MMC in the summer of 2020 and then another miscarriage about 6 months later.
People really don't know what to say, and anything they do seems.more hurtful. I had to have a D&C under general anesthetic to remove the MMC and because of lockdown had to go to all the scans and surgery by myself. The second miscarriage happened naturally. It was truly awful and so upsetting, but other people don't seem to get it.
I now have a gorgeous healthy 3 month old but I am still sad about the miscarriages but get told I should be happy because I have managed to have our much long for second baby.

@Cominghome1230 that's so sad you have lost 2. And the process sounds scary.
I literally have no idea what will happen and feel so guilty for DS as I'm so miserable inside!

@Rosepot I've not heard of anything you mention about MVA or DC but thank you for sharing.

I really hope you're ok.

@Pamparam I think both actually!
Sorry you've been through it twice that's so sad.

Hello. I agree. No one understands (bar those who have been through it) and I found even my partner struggled and only really got upset the night before I went into hospital for surgical treatment.

I had a mmc after a pretty routine pregnancy. We had an early scan at 9 weeks as I felt something wasn't right but no physical signs. No heartbeat at scan. The shock was unbelievable I kept hoping and hoping they had it wrong.

As my scan was private - I then tried to get into the nhs process and was advised I needed to wait a week before being seen and starting any treatment.

For me - knowing that my baby had died and could start to miscarry at any point was unbearable. That part I found hard. Once I had been seen and opted for surgical treatment I felt strangely better as we were moving forward and not stuck in limbo.

I won't lie - the next few months for me were tough. Even having a young child at home doesn't help. Yes you care for them but you are still sad.

Anyway - I am 2 1/2 year on now from losing that baby. My toddler is now 3 and we did manage to have another baby who is now napping.

Am I sad now - no but mmc and mc always stays with you.

Take care my lovely

@Laura0729 hi Laura, I'm sorry you're going through this. There is an excellent, informative thread on what can happen during a miscarriage in another section here on Mumsnet. I've linked the particular thread below. So many women write about their experience and give advice on what to expect and also tips to make the process bearable.

You haven't said how far along you are/were. Obviously a miscarriage at 6 weeks will look very different to one at 10, 12, 16 etc weeks. But maybe you can find some info in the thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/1344311-Tips-for-coping-with-the-practicalities-of-miscarriage

Hi Laura. I'm ok now. At the time I never thought I'd get through and I also had a little one I had to be "happy" for. Very tough. Here is some reading about the surgical management. Hopefully medical management will work for you. Staff didn't give me option on taking tablets as I was quite far on (nearly 12 weeks). I didn't get any follow up scans despite pushing for them but I paid privately and it was a very positive scan. It put my mind to rest. I will be thinking of you.

bmcpregnancychildbirth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12884-020-03362-4#:~:text=Several%20studies%20have%20compared%20MVA,duration%20of%20surgery%20than%20D%26C.

Hi, I’m so sorry. You will get to the point where you are saying ‘I’m sorry’ to others too and understanding the pain but with a bit more peace, as I am now. I lost my baby at 10 weeks, 2 weeks ago and it has been a rollercoaster. I’m still testing positive, but a very faint line. I have been feeling so low and upset about the whole thing and grieving the baby that could have been. As the days have passed I’ve felt stronger and more matter of fact about it. I am still longing for my baby but feeling more at peace that the baby wasn’t viable and therefore never had a chance and thankful it happened earlier rather than later. It makes it easier to think there was no consciousness, I try to still the thoughts of what could have been. As the tests get fainter, I feel better. I think that maternal instinct makes you feel so much worse. Once all your hormones are back to normal things will be easier. I had a natural miscarriage, it was similar to the beginning stages of labour with some mild to moderate contractions, followed by the loss of clots/tissue and a lot of bleeding. This lasted about 6 hours through the night followed by about 4 days of light bleeding. Look after yourself, better days will follow after this xx

I am sorry you are going through this. People really don't know what to say. When I had my 1st MC nurses who had MC'd spoke to me and kept saying "at least you know you can conceive" it wasn't great comfort at the time but it was after. There isn't anyone can really say, and it isn't anything (including me) really understand until they go through. My sister who is my best friend had a MC before I was TTC so I didn't have a clue what it meant to her, I really didn't. It's not that people are callous they just don't get it. The hospital will probably give you 3 options, surgical (d&c), medication to induce miscarriage or natural. I've had both d&c and natural. Neither were pleasant, you just need to go with what feels right for you.

@Cominghome1230 I am about 6 months behind your exact situation. I had a d&c Christmas 2020, also had to go to scan/ surgery etc alone. It was awful, truly awful. I had my 2nd MC in Aug/ Sept (took a long time to complete) 2021 naturally, also had to go to those scans alone. I'm now 17 weeks and the scans, I've had a few, are all perfect

I guess the issue is OP that no one, not even medical professionals can tell you how it's going to go for you, the time scales, process, pain levels etc vary so much that it would be hard to even produce literature to give out, let alone explain it all in person. Mine varied substantially even between two (on paper) similar MMCs.

I hope you're doing ok. Are you being looked after/taking time off work etc?

I had a MMC in September 2018 and had my little one exactly a year later. I was devastated. It was my first pregnancy so a lot of what people said to try and ‘reassure’ me just didn’t help at all. I was very ill and waited for 3 weeks to see if the foetus would pass without help. It didn’t. And I had a D&C under general. I felt a lot better once it was over and then just wanted to try again. I was lucky that I conceived in 2 cycles.
I don’t hold any pain towards what happened to me. My little one healed it for me. I can still remember very well how I felt and it feels good to have that empathy if I’m speaking to someone in the midst of a loss.
Some people can be really insensitive without realising it and I’m grateful not to be ignorant. This is another experience in life which makes you a stronger and more understanding person.
Hopefully it’s a positive way to look at it, but it takes time and you need some space to grieve.
I hope you have a speedy recovery and have some lovely friends and family to support you through.

I am very sorry for your loss.
I don’t think anyone who has the been through it understands and unfortunately some people say awful things, often just because they are a bit clueless.
A lot of us on here DO understand so hopefully you feel you can seek support here if you want to