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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Will social try to get involved with me and my unborn child

15 replies

ajh04 · 10/02/2022 01:31

I'm a 17 year old who's recently found out there pregnant I have diagnosed high functioning autism and adhd I'm happy with my results of the pregnancy but terrified of being seen as unable to care for a child due to my disability when it mostly effects me socially but physically I'm worried that I'm going to go through half or my full pregnancy for social services to get involved and possibly take my baby or try. Can anyone help with similar situations and it they got involved Thankyou

OP posts:
PanickedE · 10/02/2022 01:37

Who do you live with at the moment?
Is there anyone to support you?
How far along are you?

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/02/2022 01:42

Your diagnosis doesn’t automatically mean that ss will be involved.

Do you have any support?

ajh04 · 10/02/2022 01:54

@PanickedE

Who do you live with at the moment? Is there anyone to support you? How far along are you?
I currently live with my dad and my younger sister but me and my boyfriend was thinking of getting a house or flat together
OP posts:
ajh04 · 10/02/2022 01:55

@TabithaTittlemouse

Your diagnosis doesn’t automatically mean that ss will be involved.

Do you have any support?

I really hope not I'm just worrying as I've only ever heard bad things about them I don't get any support as I've never needed it my issues were only in school while I was younger I've seen to grow out of them a lot
OP posts:
ajh04 · 10/02/2022 01:56

@PanickedE

Who do you live with at the moment? Is there anyone to support you? How far along are you?
I don't get support no as I've never needed and and I'm 6 weeks
OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 10/02/2022 02:22

Hey, OP - congratulations! I'm autistic and have ADHD and I'm a great mum. The diagnosis alone won't mean that social services will step in - the crucial parts are stability, your ability to function and your capacity to cope.

Lots of people with ASC/ADHD lead full lives with jobs, partners, children with no contact with SS, ever. Focus on making sure you have a safe, comfortable and stable place for your baby when they are born, and that you have the financial means to afford everything that's needed.

Is there anything you're concerned about? Any issues you think you need more support with?

ajh04 · 10/02/2022 02:33

@SpidersAreShitheads

Hey, OP - congratulations! I'm autistic and have ADHD and I'm a great mum. The diagnosis alone won't mean that social services will step in - the crucial parts are stability, your ability to function and your capacity to cope.

Lots of people with ASC/ADHD lead full lives with jobs, partners, children with no contact with SS, ever. Focus on making sure you have a safe, comfortable and stable place for your baby when they are born, and that you have the financial means to afford everything that's needed.

Is there anything you're concerned about? Any issues you think you need more support with?

Thankyou that really helps putting my mind at ease I know I will be able to care for my child to the full potential aswell as having a supportive loving boyfriend in the picture but you do worry when it comes to anything that could get in the way of what you've always wanted surely they can't just stereotype that all autistic parents are incapable of caring for a child when we definitely are ! Do you know the chances of the child having my same problems both my dad and Nan are autistic so I'm guessing it's hereditary
OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 10/02/2022 02:34

If, and it's big if, social services get involved it should only be to see if you need support. I'd be complaining if they tried to do anything more than offer support on that premise. There is nothing inherit to being Autistic that means you can't be a good mum. Many women who are ND, or have ADHD or have mental or physical disabilities or chronic illnesses have children. I know ND mothers, both Autistic and with ADHD, no one ever questioned their ability to be mothers, no one should on that basis alone. Unless theirs something more to your worries, no one should be questioning your ability just because your Autistic.

ajh04 · 10/02/2022 02:48

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

If, and it's big if, social services get involved it should only be to see if you need support. I'd be complaining if they tried to do anything more than offer support on that premise. There is nothing inherit to being Autistic that means you can't be a good mum. Many women who are ND, or have ADHD or have mental or physical disabilities or chronic illnesses have children. I know ND mothers, both Autistic and with ADHD, no one ever questioned their ability to be mothers, no one should on that basis alone. Unless theirs something more to your worries, no one should be questioning your ability just because your Autistic.
Thankyou for your reply helping my ease my anxiety towards the situation a lot I guess I'll have to see how it goes I'm completely capable of being a mum just the same as anyone else and if they don't see that I'll have to prove it and they will easily see I'm more than capable I'm fine with having there support it would probably be quite helpful
OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 10/02/2022 02:57

I've never looked at the research, there is certainly some belief their is a genetic component. I'm not Autistic, but my bother probably is. He wasn't diagnosed as a child and has no interest in getting a formal assessment as a 40+ year old. The Autistic/ADHD parents I know all have one or more DC who are Autistic or have ADHD. But that may simply be because as a mum of Autistic children I tend to come into contact more with Autistic parents who have Autistic children rather then Autistic parents who have NT children. There tends to be selection bias at play in individuals lives. I do know our paediatrician said their was a greater chance our other children would be Autistic after our first was diagnosed and he did ask if their was familial links, which there probably are on both sides of H and my family, but we'll never know for sure.

Somuddled · 10/02/2022 03:37

I know the media likes to make it to be this way but the children's social services are not obsessed with removing babies from their parents. The bar for removal is actually heartbreakingly high. SS assess families needs and abilities to adequately provide for children. Yes, things go wrong. Yes we hear the worst stories but remember to remind yourself that the media don't want to write a story about a social worker meeting a family seeing the are in need, creating an support plan, providing them with stair gates and bed then happily closing the case once improvements have been achieved. It's not gritty enough. The reality is, you are very young and you have two disabilities. There is nothing wrong or shameful about that but it isn't unreasonable to consider that they may make parenthood a bit harder for you. Regardless of whether social services do get in touch, I'd suggest giving yourself time to think specifically about what you might want or need support with. For example, I have major noise sensitivity, if I'm overwhelmed with noise I will go into a shutdown. Well, babies and children are very noisy! So I need to take that into consideration and plan ways to block noise out or move somewhere quiet. Once you have thought about what areas you might struggle with you can go about planning for them and seeking support. Or equally, if doing some thinking makes you realise you aren't quite ready to be a patent, you will have discovered this earlier enough to abort. Just know that putting energy into worry about SS isn't worth it, put that energy into self reflection and planning.

amylou8 · 10/02/2022 03:55

There's no reason being HFA would be of any concern to social services. It would only be if there are other welfare issues, which from your posts it sounds like there are none. My eldest son has a HFA diagnosis. He also has a degree, a supervisory job, a house and a partner. Having autism does not preclude you from living a full and normal life. For the genetic element, my son is the only one with a diagnosis, but we can definitely trace traits through the family. I'm pretty sure if I was a child now I'd be diagnosed, as would my father and his mother. I have 2 other children who are definitely not autistic, so it's no way a given for your baby.

Jossbow · 10/02/2022 04:28

Cant imagine that SS willpay more than a passing glance- and that would be due to your age.
They may ask questions about your relationship, and quite how you see the future, where you'll live, and how you'll support yourself.

Their aim wont be to take your child.just to ensure that you have a plan and are able to carry it out

greekyogurtaddict · 10/02/2022 04:30

Former social worker speaking. If no one makes a referral (i.e midwife, relatives, teachers if you are in education) then they won't get involved. The midwife is not going to automatically refer you because of your relatively young age, it would be something else like pre-natal depression and a lack of support combined with your age etc. Don't mention being Autistic to the midwife if you don't feel that you need to. If you feel it won't effect your pregnancy or ability to cope then you don't need to mention it. Lots of women are never diagnosed, they might be a bit quirky or seem introverted but tbh I don't think it effects their mothering anymore than any other range of personality dimensions. If your children are neurotypical you don't really need to teach them social skills to the same degree you would an asd child anyway, they just get it, just teach them good manners.
If you are not / have not been in care and are not already on the system then it is unlikely you would flag up as in need of intervention. If they became involved due to some other concerns then your diagnosis may become an issue at that point as part of a bigger picture but on its own not so much. It would also be fair to point out that to judge and discriminate against your mild differences is deeply unfair. Your are neuro atypical not disabled, you think differently, that's all.

If they do become involved just emphasis how much support you have from wider family and your boyfriend and his family and seek out support and positive influences to help you through. Also emphasis your coping strategies, emphasis that autism can make your MORE focused on baby's needs because of a natural desire to create routines and learning about topics of interest in depth etc. Show readiness and excitement for the baby both mentally and in terms of having the right equipment to hand early.

Have sensible life goals for you and baby (and your boyfriend too) that you can action easily and realistically. I.e how you can incorporate work/study and childcare.

Having social services involvement doesn't automatically lead to a care plan, they will often just want to assess your circumstances and reassure themselves you are young but determined and caring. If they do become involved go along to everything, prenatal classes, baby groups etc. If they aren't then just do what feels right. Some professionals are quick to judge and you can get a feel quickly for who they are, it might be the prenatal yoga instructor etc lol. Tbh I would avoid judgey people at this time.

Also, slightly off topic, as for going to groups etc, other people at groups etc don't need to know how old you are. Some 17 year olds look like they are in their 20s and some 20 year olds look like they are in their teens. Nobodies business really.

I will say that unfortunately as a teen mum you will be held to a higher standard! Just make an effort to do the best you can do and take help that is offered or demonstrate why you are just so awesome at parenting that you don't need it.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 10/02/2022 10:23

Love the advice in @greekyogurtaddict post.

Building supports is great advice for every parent to be. I joined a pregnancy support group for my due date month on a similar website to MN and it was great having people going through pregnancy all together, later pregnancies I joined due date month groups on FB for the city I live in. For me it was invaluable.

There are also parenting groups on FB or IRL if you're interested and feel comfortable with those ideas, there may be specific ones for young mums in your area if that would interest you.

Thinking through what things about parenting you might find tough is a good idea too.
Thinking of my DC, noise would be a big one for them and lack of sleep, doing to much, they really struggle with emotional regulation if they're tired or overextended. I'd discuss this all before bub gets here, how you're going to share the load, what you might need specific help with and vice versa if your BF has anything he might particular struggle with. BF needs to plays an active role from the start, including on night wakings and early mornings and bed routine. It's good for both of you to have that for lots of reasons, it will help you to both know your child well, help you both feel confident parenting, give you both support you can trust and a shared load is less heavy. It's so much harder to parent the way you want when you're exhausted. NT and ND aside there are lots of parents who find it tough, for all sorts of reasons, don't discount yourself if you find it hard, that's perfectly normal. It's more important in that circumstance to think about what you need or where/who you could try to seek support from.
I struggled with my first, she rarely slept and I had PNA, it was tough.

I was just thinking of my DC again and my struggles with our eldest as a baby, my boy especially gets non verbal at times when he's really struggling, I struggle to speak when my anxiety is turning into panic. If you do have trouble with anything like that it might be useful to agree a non verbal signal to use if either of you are finding things tough and need the other to take over so you can have an immediate break.

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