Unexpected pregnancy at 43, partner reluctant, I don't know what to do!

[DKmamma]

I'm 43 years old with two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous marriage. My lovely partner of 4 years is 47 and has two grown up children of his own.

We were not planning on having a baby, but here we are ...4 tests later, I am very much pregnant.

We have a lovely life with 4 healthy kids. Money is tight and I am the main earner so maternity leave would be difficult.

I am torn on whether to proceed (which would be bonkers, though that might be the shock talking) or to terminate (I am very pro choice, but still not sure I could go through with this).

My partner is very upset because he feels he is too old and doesn't want to start again. His reasons are totally valid, but I'm (perhaps irrationally) feeling upset that he is being so negative and isn't letting the romance and emotion of the situation run away with him like I might if he was more positive.

This is NOT like in the movies! We just keep crying. It feels awful

All over the place and no nearer to reaching a decision we can be at peace with.

How far along are you OP, do you know?

@Cheekypeach

How far along are you OP, do you know?

tbh I'm not sure. Only 5 weeks according to Clear Blue, but I think I could be further along. I had a very light period which I thought might be the onset of perimenopause at the time. Now I'm thinking it must have been an implantation bleed, but that would put me at 9 weeks. xx

So sorry you’re in this position op. If I were you I would try to take the emotion out and look at it logically. Can you afford to have a baby and later a small child? (Maternity leave/nursery fees/extra bedroom etc?). Try to get in touch with the hard realities of the early years childcare-look at posts on here to remember- it’s easy to look back with tinted glasses I think. Get a reality check and then it might help to steer you one way or another. Either way I hope you’re ok 💐💐

I think the first step would be a private scan to figure out how far along you are as that could affect your choices. I had a termination as a teen, it was very sad & from time to time I still get upset, 13 years later. But I know deep inside it was the right decision for me. Follow your gut

Slightly different dynamic as we aren’t a blended family but our eldest is early 20’s. DH is late 40’s & I was turning 42 when I fell very unexpectedly pregnant. I was nigh on hysterical. Cried solidly for at least a month. DH, who was fine with it from the outset, asked me to go for a scan before deciding on a termination.
Now we have a 6 month old and we are beside ourselves. We’re all absolutely smitten.
We don’t drive ourselves mad with the ‘we’ll be X years old when..’ conversations because it is what it is and we aren’t raining on our own parades. We’re just enjoying the loveliness of it all.

Why not have a scan & see how you both feel thereafter? We actually had the NIPT test & scan at 11 weeks so knowing all appeared to be well & the sex made it easier for us to decide.

I found myself in a similar situation to you literally a couple of weeks ago. 40 this year, husband 46. Two kids 3 & 5 and an unexpected pregnancy.

Husband was certain he didn't want it & we'd always said no to a 3rd. There's a million logical reasons why a 3rd baby wasn't for us & when I took the emotion out of it I knew deep down that we were making the right decision. This may or may not help but here's the boring practical things we considered, none of these are the end of world but when we put them all together it helped to decide...

• Not enough space in our current house so 2 would share a bedroom (we have one of each so could be a 5 year old & a baby or a 3 year old & a baby)
• need a bigger car which we can't afford
• time off work when my career is back on track
• I'm nearly 40 & feels like a cut off point for me for babies (totally a personal view & easy to say when you've been lucky enough to had kids)
• cost of an extra child - clothes, food, extortionate nursery fees
• we gave all our baby stuff away / sold it
• the effect on our other 2 children & whether one would always feel left out
• could we still give our other 2 children the opportunities we currently can if we had a 3rd
• the age gap - they'd be nearly 4 & 6 when the 3rd one arrived. Would they be close. The older ones would want to do different things to the younger
• would we be making life just a little bit more crappy for everyone by having another & stretching ourselves too far

I have no doubt at all that we'd have loved it unconditionally & things would've be been totally fine but we concluded that when it came down to it, we just didn't want another child (& that makes me feel awful). I love my two children more than anything in the world so this was a strange way to feel.

I can totally empathise with the idea of the romance & emotion getting the better of you. I enjoyed pregnancy & birth & all the newborn cuddles but then tried to remember that when that little newborn bubble bursts, Did I honestly really want a baby / toddler / child? When I thought 9 months down the road I just couldn't see it being filled with a newborn baby. My reasons for wanting to keep it weren't really the right reasons to bring a child into the world 'ooh I quite liked pregnancy & being on maternity leave'

We went ahead & terminated the pregnancy, physically it honestly wasn't that bad but I was only 6 weeks. I still don't quite know how I feel about it, the romance of it all still gets me but if I take that away I honestly believe we made the right choice. That's not say it's been easy, I find myself thinking 'this time last week I was pregnant' and ultimately it's all our own doing that I'm now not. I felt guilty that there's people who would do absolutely anything to be pregnant & here we were flippantly getting rid of a baby (we weren't flippant, but it kind of felt like that).

I feel like it's the sort of decision that, if you have children already, will never really sit right with you & it's a really hard one to weigh up.

For me once I took my emotions out of the decision I knew it was the right one for us and I'm sure in time i'll feel less conflicted about it.

Sorry that's a lot of chat but just wanted to share my experience, let you know there's someone else who's been in the same situation you are with very similar sounding feelings & share how we made a decision.

I hope that whatever you decide to do you can come to an agreement together. Sending you a big hug . We didn't tell anyone at all & actually I've found that quite hard so am here if you want to chat.

My friend got married to an older guy expecting to not have children. She became pregnant and kept the baby. 8 years later they are divorcing - he had always had different plans for his life. I’m her friend but don’t blame him at all.
Your partner doesn’t have the same hormones running through his veins that you do. Having a child will unutterably change his life. If he’s up for it - great! But don’t hold it against him if he’s not. A baby will change everything.
Good luck with it all. It could be the start of a happy new baby chapter, but if you decide not to go through with it then be kind to yourself and him and count the many blessings that you have.
Xx

Thanks ladies for all your kind and wise words. We're going to see how we feel after the weekend. My partner is a little more positive now, so that helps the conversation. In the meantime, I'm going to book a viability scan to see how far along I am. xxxx

Sounds like a really sensible way forward. Hope that you can soon manage to come to a decision either way. In some ways I feel we reacted too quickly (though I don't think the outcome would've changed) so giving yourselves some time will be beneficial I'm sure

OP I hope you’re holding up ok. Just a word of caution, with my first it was an unexpected pregnancy and we seriously considered termination. They offered to let me see the fetus on screen, which I said yes to, and the minute I saw her it was like a magnetic pull where I was like “this is my baby”. I am pro choice and I see how anti abortion activists use this as a way to encourage people to keep pregnancies. If you’re on the fence think carefully about if you do want to see it before you go. The minute I saw the scan there was no going back, but that might just be me. Wishing you the best of luck whatever you both decide x

Thanks Madeleine. I see what you mean... it makes that connection so much more real.

My scan appointment (viability) is on Wednesday evening and my BPAS counselling appointment for termination is on Thursday lunchtime. I feel I need to know how many weeks I am before I make a final decision, hence the scan: but yes, I'll think this through carefully because I can see me getting more upset if all is well on the scan .

I'm still swinging from one decision to the other on a daily basis at the moment. Head says "No", but heart says "Maybe??" and keeps trying to convince head by creating spreadsheets with detailed finances on and all sorts.

Hey I’m in a similar situation
what was your end decision?!