Row with DP

[FroggingFantastic]

There’s been an ongoing discussion about breastfeeding in our home since TTC, I told DP I don’t want to exclusively breastfeed so would bottle and breast. However, now I am pregnant I am veering more towards bottle/formula feed. I’m 8 weeks so still fairly early.

DP is unhappy that I have decided not to BF, although I said I don’t know how I’ll feel until baby is here and I’d like to try but don’t want the pressure etc. and how often as an older child/adult do we know if people are BF/FF as long as baby is fed it will all be ok. DP has said I may as well make all the decisions myself as that’s what I’m doing anyway. (?) and all he feels like is the ‘finance’. We’ve recently realised that I will only be eligible for SMP, however, DP was really comforting and reassuring when we knew this but all of a sudden he feels like the ‘financer’ and nothing else. I said I think we need to sit down and discuss how he feels because this is obviously a problem.

I’m now questioning the whole pregnancy, I am only 8 weeks although I couldn’t think of anything worse than an abortion maybe this is the best option for me at the moment? I have never had to rely on anyone for money and hate the fact that I will have to now. I know if I terminate it will also end our relationship, I don’t know what to do. Up until now I’ve not thought twice about a termination and both of us have been so excited buying baby things…

I don’t know if I want advice or a hand hold. No one else knows I’m pregnant so I can’t turn to anyone. I’m just beside myself 😭

This seems like such a small thing to escalate to the point you are considering termination. You are only 8 weeks. Don't make any decisions on breast feeding either way until your baby is here!

How is your relationship generally? How long have you been together?

With regards to breast feeding goes - your body, your choice. Your partner is of course allowed to have an opinion, however, ultimately that's your decision to make.

As for his attitude... that needs addressed ASAP! Definitely sit him down and have a straight conversation about how he's feeling about financially supporting his family (because that's what it is). If he feels resentful or begrudging of it then you have a problem.

Thank you both for your replies. As for our relationship we have a great relationship in general, we bicker as does everyone but nothing major and we’ve been together coming up 3 years. This baby was planned so it was not a surprise one bit and we’re both over the moon.

Of course I have been worrying already about income and money whilst on maternity to which he has been saying “we’ll make it work” and that he doesn’t mind being the only ‘bread winner’ so to speak. Only biggest fear is never having to rely on anyone for money, I am fiercely independent with cash and never thought I’d be in this situation but he has been reassuring that he would cover us and he didn’t mind- it just seems he has been harbouring this for weeks and hasn’t said anything. My main concern is how he will be once baby is here, our finances have always been separate.

I think like most people despite TTC, once pregnant I had a wobble and was terrified of everything ‘am I ready?’ Etc. Since then I have been fine and really excited but this conversation has totally thrown me again…

Sorry to hear this OP, that's a very controlling response from him. It's your body and your choice. Don't feel pressured to do something you don't want to do.

While planning to ttc and in doing so how much did you talk about about what having a child together would be like? This stuff is massive and you have to be on the same page. He can’t dictate that you breastfeed but are you at all in sync on how you both imagine raising a baby will be?

To jump to terminating a planned and wanted pregnancy over a couple of disagreements is extreme and makes it sound like you really aren’t sure about the baby or the relationship. It’s been 3 years but how well do you know each other and how much bickering do you think is normal?

I think everyone has that wobble, but trashing your relationship and aborting a baby that you created on purpose probably isn’t the right choice. He needs to voice his problems like a grown up, he probably feels frustrated as you’ve effectively shut him down by saying you’ll decide once baby is here and that’s it, so he feels like he’s not being heard or included. But obviously he doesn’t get a say and there is a lot of pressure to breastfeed out there, so if you want to avoid that pressure and make your own educated choices he absolutely needs to let you, pressuring you is out of order. Sounds like you both need a frank honest talk about how you feel. Hopefully it will be a quick resolve OP

Also, are you entitled to maternity allowance?

Hmm I really think he gets an opinion here that should be listened to. It’s his child too and breast milk is scientifically better for a child. I’d really struggle to understand the choice to not BF without any reason I.e. struggle when baby is born / difficult birth / etc - basically any thing that means you don’t want to AFTER the child arrives.

It is a bit like you flipped the switch on him and I can see how it’s upset him and makes him feel like he has no control. After all, you have to do the hard, but amazing, work of carrying the baby.

It’s ultimately your choice though and you need to do what you want with your body.

I wasn't keen on breastfeeding while pregnant but then gave it a try at the hospital and it was so easy I ended up breastfeeding exclusively. Would do it again, baby weight just dropped off on its own in a few months and besides I can't imagine having to actually get up in the night for feeds! But I know women who had the opposite experience and ended up bottle feeding even though they planned to breastfeed and that is fine too. Honestly your baby will be fine either way, but you don't need to make a decision now! I'd tell him you'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

I'm a big advocate for breast feeding due to the numerous health benefits for mother and baby, however it is your body, it is tiring and feels constant at times, if you end up hating it I can't see you would carry on.

He is not right at all to be pressurising you over this.

Keep your mind open and see how you feel at the time, I wanted to breastfeed but took the little ready-made formulas into hospital just incase, luckily I found it quite easy, but I'll still be doing the same with the next.

I saw this meme the other day that really resonated....

@crazydineraddict

Hmm I really think he gets an opinion here that should be listened to. It’s his child too and breast milk is scientifically better for a child. I’d really struggle to understand the choice to not BF without any reason I.e. struggle when baby is born / difficult birth / etc - basically any thing that means you don’t want to AFTER the child arrives.

It is a bit like you flipped the switch on him and I can see how it’s upset him and makes him feel like he has no control. After all, you have to do the hard, but amazing, work of carrying the baby.

It’s ultimately your choice though and you need to do what you want with your body.

Have to agree with this - I too find it hard to understand why you'd make this decision so early in your pregnancy and why anyone wouldn't want to at least "give it a go"? I'm not one of the so called mammary mafia types but deciding to have a child comes with it certain - not responsibilities - that's not the right word - maybe requirements(?) to at least try these things? If you don't like it or baby doesn't get on with it fair enough but to discount it totally at this early stage for no medical reasons?

I can see why he might feel disconnected from the process and is using the whole sole earner issue just to throw back at you

We complain so often our partners/husbands don't get involved in or engage in pregnancy and it's little wonder when we make all these big decisions largely ourselves using the whole "my body my choice" justification

I think breast feeding a red herring.
If it was the only issue I'd say You can kick that can down the road.
I am 36 weeks and fairy neutral/ leaning towards mixed feeding a lot of women do... and I actually saw a thread on here with a lot of fucked off mothers calling out BS on breastbfeeding being cheaper as it cost them (in some cases) hundreds and thousands.

Here is your problem
which he has been saying “we’ll make it work” and that he doesn’t mind being the only ‘bread winner’ so to speak.
You aren't married you are vulnerable
You don't have a financial plan.
He is showing early warning signs of being financially controlling and only giving you money for purchases he deems necessary or worthy.

I would want a full frank long conversation about specifics and I would be having it today. I would carry this on into the week if needed. Do not get hung up on breast feeding. Some women simply can't.... some surprise themselves and love it . It isn't about breadt feeding its about
A. Finances and a financial plan

B. What support you can expect from him

I do not think you are wrong to reconsider this pregnancy but I would want to know I tried everything before going down that road .
1 in 4 end in miscarriage at 12 weeks this could easily be the case for you and you are not under obligation to tell him. It is your body your choice and your life

I think if your baby was planned you really should have talked about marriage and finances, so that silent resentments didn't come up in this destructive way. Forgive me for asking but you sound quite young, how old are you?

It is exciting to plan for the arrival of a baby but it isn't all cute clothes and nursery decorating themes. It affects every part of your lives. You need to understand the legal and financial implications of being unmarried parents.

I don’t think it’s a proportionate response to be thinking about terminating a planned pregnancy because you have a difference of opinion about how you want to raise/care for your baby.

Breastfeeding is best for your baby, and it’s not unreasonable of him to want the best for his baby. I understand it’s your right to choose not to breastfeed, but at 8 weeks pregnant, and with presumably not a lot of information, it’s very early to decide you’re so against something.

Again, the financial side should have been discussed and thought about beforehand, if this baby was planned. Getting to 8 weeks, and considering termination because you’re uncomfortable being reliant on your partner whilst on ML is again, a disproportionate response.

You need to have reasonable and sensible discussions. You both have the right to an opinion on how things happen.

Hi FroggingFantastic! Has your partner always been conscious of money? Have you spent a lot recently on baby stuff he might be feeling overwhelmed?

Your body, your choice how you'll feed little one but I'm wondering whether he thinks breastfeeding is the cheaper choice and by you saying you might not want to, he's worried about this "extra expense" of formula feeding. (Breastfeeding isn't necessarily free - nipple cream, nipple shields, breast pads for leaky boobs, nursing bras, breast pumps etc)

I agree with others, he certainly needs to air something out so you can have a proper discussion.

While I am an advocate for breastfeeding and fed my own little girl for 8 months (and plan on Combi feeding with number 2 as my girl wasn't the best feeder), it is tough and mums need a break! To put the pressure on you to feed solely if you don't want to, that'll lead to resentment. Hope you can talk about how you're both feeling. Equally, so many advantages to breastfeeding - those night feeds although killers I certainly found easier with boobs then prepping a bottle! Fed is best and you'll work it out :-) best of luck! Xx