Hi all. I'm expecting my 3rd baby but isn't only my 3rd pregnancy. I'm again married (2nd) and we are expecting our first child together. We are very excited to add another one to our family and really can't wait. I'm in the very early days of just 6 weeks and I've not told anyone apart from 2/3 people. My previous marriage, and pregnancies were pretty horrible and traumatic and just didn't have any time to enjoy them at all, as I suffered from hyperemisis gravidarum all through both pregnancies with no support at all from anyone on either side of the families.
This time round it feels like it's my first time all over again. I know that sounds strange but this time around I have the love and support I really need to have a happy and healthy pregnancy even if I am throwing up all the time. Especially that my older two are going to be fully aware of what's happening and can be fully engaged with us.
I guess my concern comes in with my cousin. She's my second cousin and we've never really had much of a relationship until the last 3 years. We talk near enough everyday on WhatsApp as thats what seems she's more comfortable doing and we've not seen each other in person the whole time we have been speaking daily. We've spoken on WhatsApp video call a handful of times and that's as close as we get to actually seeing each other. I have offered for her to come and stay at mine a good while back (she lives near Nottingham and I'm in London) but the last time she seemed to ignore me. The other two times she was genuinely was busy and couldn't make it, which I totally understood and understand.
It feels like it all started when I divorced my 1st husband because we were not good together and when I started to really focus on myself as a whole. Self acknowledged, healing from past traumas and just overall crappy childhood scenario which she is also doing now too. It seemed when I put myself back out there to meet someone she because a little bit different with me.
The biggest issue so far between us has been me with my current husband who is a wonderful man. Truly a gentleman and not at all anything she tried to declare he was. Again nobody is perfect so can't call him a saint ;). In the beginning I disclosed to her what was happening with us and what I was feeling about our relationship. I did tell her I felt uncomfortable in some stages because it's what my mind was leading me to believe so I could find an excuse to run which I did. When I understood that it's my issues projecting on him and explained this to my cousin but she did not want to accept that it was actually me with the problem and not him. Since then she had something on him and it really felt like she wanted us to not work. There were things that I didn't mention to her as it's our relationship and those missing pieces were filled in her head that he was, in her words 'a groomer' towards my children because he would always bring them a gift when he came. Or because he took and genuine interest in my children which is thr point but no way how she was trying to make out to be. So many things were said but I won't disclose that here.
Everytime I asked her why she would say those things she was say I've asked for her input and that if it were anyone else they wouldn't be so defensive about it or that she's just concerned for me and that she wants to protect me and thinks that can't see what she sees because I love my now husband. She also made comments about how she thinks about "if me and my husband work out that I'll be on my 3rd pregnancy and she wouldn't of even had her 1st yet". I said she needed to drop it and that what she's saying was really cruel and disgusting. I did not speaking to her for about 2.5 weeks to cool off and collect my thoughts. I came back and sent her a message and it took her about the same time I stopped speaking to her to reply to me to say she wanted to give me time to message her and get over what I was feeling. It didn't make sense because if I wasn't ready to i wouldn't have sent the message when I did!
Fast forward to now, we speak daily although it took me some time to really get back into that usual flow of chat. I feel I really can't trust her anymore when it comes to anything about me and my husband although she does try to ask questions and take an interest I feel it's more "nosing" because I no longer mention anything regarding us anymore for fear of what she may think with the lack of information I give her if I give information if that makes sense? Me and hubby had a small ceremony and we didn't tell many people for other reasons and chose to keep it quiet from my cousin due to past issues stated. She found out when on the phone for another bad situation which she has been really supportive. So obviously it felt like the right thing to do to tell her we are expecting. She cried really hard and it was awful hearing someone you love in so much pain. She has been trying to conceive for some years now and has had a few losses sadly and once about 3/4 months ago. She's really finding it hard to deal with at the moment although she says she's okay most of the time. It's another reason why I didn't want to tell her so soon but because she found out about the marriage...you know the rest.
I spend a lot of my time speaking and asking questions about how she feels, suggestions etc to help comfort her needs to speak about her losses etc because I understand how important it is as I never had that kind of support and in a way I still don't. We spent the whole day speaking about how she felt and being sorry for making her upset and she said it wasn't me just the situation but I can't help but to think otherwise sometimes.
She has said at the most random times when I just mention something like being tired that, "I need to get my rest in because she feels that didn't help her situation of why she lost her baby, and that she over did it". I told her the same day not to mention to anyone of our family because they aren't ever happy for me in anything I do. And that's a whole other story, and then she goes on to say that "she understands that I wouldn't want to tell anyone incase lose the baby and it would be really difficult to have to tell everyone as that's what happened with her". I didn't say anything about that though so why did she go straight to that? She's said things along the same lines to me a few more times. But today she told me an awful story of a lady she knows at work to have had a very scary scenario of feeling something plop on the floor and loads of blood etc. I told her I'm very glad the lady is okay although it was quite disturbing to hear especially as she's only a week ahead of me in pregnancy. She told me "Oh I know I'm sorry I didn't want to send it to you but I didn't have time to stop it and I should have thought about that one".
How hard is it to stop the VN and not send it to me especially as she knows my history with miscarrying as well and to be honest me and hubby had a scare yesterday but everything is okay now.
I feel very isolated in this situation because I feel she purposely does direct comments at me, I feel she understands more than what she let's on but used the trauma card alot and thr exucse of wanting a bay to just say whatever she feels to me and I can't say anything back then I'd be the bad guy for now having enough understanding about her situation even though I have done briefly in the past before my other 2 kiddies.
I really do try to be there for her and it gets really draining at times because it's obviously a very heavy subject but I'm so worried about telling her anything because I feel she just wants to know to have the information rather than actually care. I feel that she compares a lot and I don't like it and again if I do ask her openly she'll either say she doesn't remember or that she is in a place of suffering. I feel very on edge and feel like she genuinely is not happy for me simply because things are "working out" for me ever since I'm not in the same head space she is in. My family are very similar and this sort of behaviour I'm used to having from family and friends.
I'm a very simple woman, don't have a lovely big house yet, don't have a lot of money but I'm grateful hat I do have, but I can't seem to escape my "friends and family" treating me in a certain way.
I AM SO SORRY THIS POST IS SO LONG BUT I REALLY HAD TO EXPLAIN ON THIS ONE! Thank you all for having so much patience with my message and look forward to hearing your advice/experiences.