Wanted a baby, now I’m unhappy about pregnancy!

[MaeBrad1991]

My partner and I decided to take a ‘what will be will be’ approach to contraception the last two months as we both said we would be happy with a baby and felt ready. I think I expected it to take a while but of course I am pregnant (4 weeks). I was elated when I saw the two lines in the morning, by the afternoon anxiety set in and by the evening I was thinking ‘what the hell have I done?!’

We are not ready at all it was pure fantasy!! Bloody stupid and I don’t know why I didn’t take the most important decision of my life more seriously. I’m usually a planner and I can’t understand why I had such a romantic notion about getting pregnant, maybe it was hormonal or a mental break from turning 30.

We are planning to move house this year and I’ve no idea how long current place will take to sell. We couldn’t wait until after baby because I don’t think we’d be offered a good mortgage if I’d been on maternity leave. Also we both have savings but that’s our house deposit so I don’t even feel financially secure. Ideally we should have moved, settled and saved to fund maternity. I’ve screwed myself over basically.

Also we aren’t even married and I’ve just realised how important that is to me! My family are religious and will be upset. It makes me feel insecure. I think my partner would be happy to elope or go to the registry office but getting married because of a pregnancy isn’t very romantic, not my dream wedding scenario.

Now I’m just stressed, regretful and depressed. I’ve known for 5 days and haven’t told my partner because I don’t feel ready to face the reality. I don’t know if he will be happy or not.

Sorry I know this post is a slap in the face to those who desperately want a child and have been trying. I’m just so annoyed at myself.l and regretful.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did it work out for you? I know people who’ve had unexpected pregnancies but I’ve not heard of anyone someone wanting a baby then regretting it!!

Sorry for the typo/ grammar errors in my post above, I wrote and edited it on my phone. I hope it still makes sense.

It's a massive change and you are bound to question everything. I was the same. We started trying but I changed my mind after one month. Too late I was pregnant. We lived in a one bed flat in London and childcare was so expensive etc. I was panicking. It all worked out ok in the end and I would never change it for the world.
I promise you will make it work. You have 9 months to make the big decisions.

My DH is a mortgage broker and said as long as you are going back to work most lenders won't have an issue.

As for the marriage thing... I get it.. but it's not the end of the world. Lots of people from all sorts of backgrounds have babies before marriage these days. I am sure your family will understand. It will be lovely to have your DC there on your wedding day. You could always have a christening at the same time and have a double celebration.

I think you need to speak to your partner and your family. This is a huge weight hanging over you when your hormones are raging. Sending hugs

Hi OP,

Your situation sounds similar to mine. Wanted to be pregnant for around a year, me and DP took the 'whatever will be' approached, and i am now around 6 weeks pregnant.

i have gone from being exstatic, to being full of anxiety and depression and every where inbetween.

My first advice would be to tell your partner, a problem shared is a problem halved! I was suprised to see that my DP was super excited, and has been my rock with every anxiety i have had so far.

Just try and remember all the reasons why you wanted to eb pregnant in the first place, there is no right or wrong way to bring a child into the world. Not having thousands saved, not being married etc will not mean you wont have a happy healthy little family unit.

Its a huge change to your life, and i think its natural to be feaking out about it! (i know i have, to the point im trying to sell my car because how the hell will i fit a child in it?!) - But that just shows yu are already trying to put your baby first.

You are going to be a great mom, take things a day at a time and let your DP know so he can support you. xx

Hi @MaeBrad1991

Firstly, you are definitely not the only one to feel this way, trying to conceive and then feeling fear, anxiety, regret when you find out you're pregnant. I think its actually quite common to feel like this especially when you conceived quickly with little effort.

I had two miscarriages (the first unplanned) and then went on to get pregnant a third time in the space of eight months (so all happened relatively fast) The third pregnancy was successful and I'm due now for delivery on February 14th.

I had doubts before conceiving (we were about to give up trying indefinitely) as it wasn't the right timing , we already have older children it was causing too much stress.

I also had the same fears and anxieties in the first trimester but got more excited over time. It was always a mix of emotions didn't want not to be pregnant but also afraid of the outcome of parenting again from scratch, not being financially secure etc.

I think you can ask yourself would you feel better if you had a miscarriage or abortion now or would you feel even more upset. Its ok to change your mind about having a child,. Also ask yourself would you want a child in the future with your partner or decide to remain childless, if you would still want a child in the future it probably better to go ahead with this pregnancy although around 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage so its not a guaranteed baby at the end yet.

Either way reach out to support services talk to someone objective and weigh up your pros and cons concerning the pregnancy

There is no guarantee of a perfect situation to have a baby in, I was married , had a 3 bed house in a safe area, saving etc and had infertility when I was younger needed ivf for my first children. I'm now older we don't own any property and am less secure but I'm accepting of this. You don't sound like you and partner are not in too bad of a position its not perfect but a baby doesn't need a big space or perfect and you will be sorted by the time they get older.

I had a complete freak out despite that I could not have been more ready financially and career wise. Therefore I suggest there may never be a time where this will not be alarming. It's a big change. Plus, hormones.

It sounds like you are just not 100% prepped, not like you are in a really tricky situation like wouldn't get mat pay or are living in your parents spare room or something. So think about it positively - if you move before the baby comes, or on mat leave, you can spend lots of mat leave nesting in your new house and pootling around choosing curtains and paint colours, it will be delightful :-)

We were ttc for 5 years, and had one round of ivf. I fell pregnant with DTs. I was thrilled to start with, then it all crashed and I spent most of the pregnancy googling abortions whilst praying nothing would happen to them - I found it a complete headfuck.

I worked out a budget at the beginning and we lived off of one income, saving mine. I knew I’d be giving up work, so we decided to get used to it straight away! I also saved out of DH’s income the ‘cost’ of the babies so that wasn’t a surprise.

Really though, everything just kind of fell into place. If we’re short we go without or put it on credit and pay it back quickly, DH does overtime and I sell on what I can. We’re by no means poor but that’s mainly due to being lucky that DH earns well and can do overtime.

Pregnancy was not a good time for me mentally, the pressure of keeping the three of us safe and alive, guilt at being lucky, guilt at not feeling thrilled and hating pregnancy, anger at the changes to myself, just everything. It was horrible. Having said all that, I’d take the very worst day of my pregnancy and live like that for the rest of my life if needed to keep my children safe.

It’ll all work out in the end, one way or another.

I had a massive panic when pregnant (despite trying for a baby!) I think it just hits you how big a deal having children is.

Definitely tell your partner.

It's normal to feel some level of shock even when it's planned. However if you regret it that much that you don't go ahead with the pregnancy I'd advise not trying again. The times and situations are rarely perfect for a baby. Life just adapts to having a child, not the other way round and you just make it work.

Thanks so much for all your comments, it’s actually really comforting to know that other women feel like this too even when they have been trying for a long time and are as ready as possible. I bit the bullet and told my partner, he was super happy and excited! He’s told me we will figure out all the stuff I’m worried about, that I’m overthinking people have babies in worse situations etc. I feel quite a bit better.

Go get married and then tell your family. Enjoy this very special time. Everything will work out, I promise.

I don’t know a single person who hasn’t completely freaked out when finding out theyre actually pregnant! I phoned my now dh in tears because I was terrified.

You’re thinking so big, slow it down and make it smaller.

First step - breathe
Second step - tell him

You don’t need a third step yet. We did it all a bit backwards too. Had ds, got engaged when he was 10 months. Married (just us 2 and it was perfect) when he was 2. Moved when he was 3 and had Ds2 when he was 4, they’re 5 and 1 now and things couldn’t be better. All the milestones are hit, just in a different order to what was planned.

Even with the most wanted babies once you see the two lines and it sets in I think we all have a wobble

Part of it might have been you were dealing with all this on your own! Now your partner knows you can figure things out together.

Oh god love you, I can still remember sitting in the bath having absolute hysterics two days after I found out I was pg. DS is now 17... It will work out.

Or to put it another way, imagine not having a wobble on finding out your life is going to change forever? It's perfectly natural!

We all have wobbles- it’s a massive change!

OP, you are very very normal. While it is nice to "want" pregnancy, when you see those 2 lines it unleashes a whole range of hellish emotions/the exact life consequences runthrough that you are going through.

With my first pregnancy we had just moved 3000 miles, I knew we were getting engaged, so I came off my pill to lose a few lbs for the wedding. I'd been on it for 15 years so assumed (wrongly) that I was safe. Within 3 months I was pregnant, in a completely new city with no friends/support, working remote, and had extreme morning sickness. Ultimately I told him, cried my eyes out, and we got through it. We ended up eloping as my DH had a 100 year old grandma who really wasn't fussed that we accidentally got knocked up, but insisted that we did get married before the baby came, and we had been intending on doing that anyway. We ended up doing the whole wedding just us, an officiant and a photographer, in the most scenic place at 5 months pregnant. It was the most special experience, and it wasn't about a church, our families, or anyone else. It was so personal to us, and I cannot recommend it enough (special shout out to white wrap dresses that expand with a baby bump). The other reason we did it was that I wanted my husband to be able to make decisions if something went wrong in pregnancy and to have those rights, and this made it very clear cut. Ultimately a marrige certificate is just a piece of paper though.

The bottom line is that your feelings are very normal, this is a huge change. We actually struggled quite a bit after the baby came with our relationship, and ended up going to therapy which I cannot recommend enough. I wish we had started it pre baby as it taught us to communicate and having a newborn is where things really break down. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it is an option i'd really recommend. Good luck with your journey x

Many people feel as you do when they first become pregnant, Mae. Partners too often panic at the beginning.

You will be fine, I'm sure. Try not to be stressed about moving house or getting married, all will happen in due course. Keep yourself healthy.

Congratulations.

OP, leaving everything else aside (all of which is understandable): forget the dream wedding scenario, and just get married as quickly as possible.

I felt like this with my first and we had been actively trying for a couple of years. I honestly think that once it sinks in you will be grand. It is such a shock to the system physically and mentally. Everything is about to change and not being in control of those changes is scary. Talk to your partner and you two will work it out together .

I’ve felt like this with all of mine even though they were planned and wanted! Totally normal. It’s scary! But it does wear off and you get used to the idea, then excited. Don’t panic! There’s never a perfect time, you just make it work.

Don't worry about the mortgage point: we purchased our house when I was on maternity leave. The mortgage company can't discriminate against you: they will want to know whether you will be returning to work after maternity leave, the hours you expect to be working and they will look at your payslips before you commenced maternity leave.