Gender disappointment

Natasha2021 · 2022-02-02T20:32:39+00:00

OK so I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my 2nd pregnancy... I have twin boys and I. Hoping for a girl this time like many would. I'm worried if it's a boy il have really bad gender disappointment. I'm struggling as it is with my pregnancy as my pregnancy last time was badly traumatic. I believe il love my child no matter what but how did others deal with gender disappointment?

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madeleine85 · 02/02/2022 21:39

@Natasha2021 I have very mixed feelings on this one. I have a DD who is a force of nature, the girl has more energy than anything, is so much fun and is just such a strong person. I did the sneakpeak test for our second pregnancy and it came back male at 7 weeks. Huge caveat that it can often be contaminated with husband/male pet DNA so may not be wrong. I felt really disappointed with the result at the time, as my husband really wants girls (fortunately he made the boy if it is one). It took a bit of adjusting and he seems happier now/jokes about names finally, at first he didn't really engage on the subject. Logistically a girl would be easier, as we know what we are doing there and have all the things. On the other hand, it would be good to have one of each, and not have another girl "try to fill my DD's shoes" so to speak, as she is such a big personality. Ultimately i'll be happy if this child is healthy, and after thinking through the options, I think if the 10 week NIPT test comes back female I might feel strange about it now. I'd focus on the practicalities of how much easier having a boy would be if it isn't a girl since you'll already have those things ready.

madeleine85 · 02/02/2022 21:40

sorry that meant to say the sneakpeak test may be wrong not may not be wrong :)

booplefloof · 02/02/2022 21:47

Ugh. I have three boys and 1 girl. DD was my second child and so many people assumed we would hope DC 4 was a girl and gave me the pity look when we said it was another boy.

It's your child. Love them regardless of their gender. Be gracious for what you have.

optimistic40 · 02/02/2022 22:15

Not disappointment exactly, but with my second I expected a girl (had a daughter already, but just expected another! Don't know why). It didn't help that the birth was much worse, and then there he was. He's brilliant - he started school this year and is lively, funny and sweet. I cannot imagine now if I'd had another daughter. None of it makes a difference.

thunderandsunshine01 · 02/02/2022 22:24

With my second pregnancy I wanted a girl, I already had a DD and had never pictured myself as a mum of sons. When we found out DS was a boy I felt a little deflated but it honestly vanished the second he arrived… so much so that I felt I could wait on my third pregnancy to find out at birth as I knew I would be thrilled either way! (Was a DD)

The best advice I could give if you are feeling this way is to find out at your scan so you have time to adjust to whatever baby is, it will be much easier to change your mindset to being excited over him or her if you know for certain… it will make it feel like they couldn’t have possibly been anyone else by the time they arrive.

PatriciaBateman · 02/02/2022 22:27

I started out having ideas of what I would like to have (boy/girl), but somewhere along the way developed the thought that it wasn't fair to set an expectation on a brand new human being, that they should be one way or the other, and what either boy/girl would mean in terms of what I would expect from them.

My husband likes to say that we are 'just custodians', and actually I've come around to admiring that view. They are not property or toys (not saying that you think this OP, just explaining my own thought process).

When we deliberately try to conceive, we agree to bring a human being into the world, and that's it. The less expectations we have the better, as nothing about that new little individual centres around what we want, nor should it.

I hope it helps in some way. I found changing my thought processes automatically changed my feelings - so although we tend to think we can't change them, we can actually change what triggers them.

DramaAlpaca · 02/02/2022 22:29

I have three wonderful children, all are boys. I can't understand how you could possibly be disappointed in the sex of your beautiful child. I can't empathise with this at all. It's not what you want to hear, I know.

Find out what you are having at your scan if you can, then you have time to get used to it whatever sex the baby is.

madeleine85 · 02/02/2022 22:33

@PatriciaBateman that is a really lovely view, and is completely correct.
They are their own people outside of gender norms/what we select for them. We didn't get pregnant to have a certain sex, if we did that we would have done the IVF selection, we got pregnant to have a baby. Even if you do select a gender who the hell knows what they will choose one day! Now we just have to hope that they end up healthy/happy. It is a really nice way of thinking that your husband has, and should be passed on!

Original poster

Natasha2021 · 02/02/2022 22:34

@thunderandsunshine01

With my second pregnancy I wanted a girl, I already had a DD and had never pictured myself as a mum of sons. When we found out DS was a boy I felt a little deflated but it honestly vanished the second he arrived… so much so that I felt I could wait on my third pregnancy to find out at birth as I knew I would be thrilled either way! (Was a DD)

The best advice I could give if you are feeling this way is to find out at your scan so you have time to adjust to whatever baby is, it will be much easier to change your mindset to being excited over him or her if you know for certain… it will make it feel like they couldn’t have possibly been anyone else by the time they arrive.

I think il be completely fine if it's a boy eventually as I did want a girl with the twins. I will get an early gender scan and then go from there. I will always love my children but I think as I know this is our last I'm set on a girl.

OP posts:

WindInTheWillows7 · 03/02/2022 08:13

I tell myself that children are an undeserved gift, not a right. This helps me to try and not set up expectations about what "I" want.

BunnieMilk · 07/02/2022 22:06

Hi I feel the same OP. I have a 2 year old son who I adore the bones off! He's funny, beautiful, silly and smart but before I knew he was a boy I imagined a girl. I cried at the gender reveal and dreaded having a son. I'm now 12 weeks pregnant with twins and I'll get my scan on Thursday, I'm hoping for at least 1 girl. I don't know if I'll have more kids after this pregnancy but I know I'd love a daughter. Gender disappointment is real and it's more than 'aslong as the baby is healthy' I felt so ashamed and guilty by feeling this way but it's the way I feel. Please update us once you know the gender ! ☺️

whatcangowrong · 09/02/2022 11:38

I have a DS and am pg with twins. My gynae is adamant one is def a girl but she said that at 7 weeks and clearly it wasn't possible to actually tell!

If it's 2 boys I will love them dearly but a part of me will be sad I won't have a daughter as this is definitely my last pregnancy. It is natural but you will adore the children that arrive whatever they may be. I'm not finding out though as think it just adds problems before necessary to do so!

Caass45 · 09/02/2022 15:56

I always loved the idea of having a little girl so when I got pregnant I convinced myself it was a boy for the first few months so when we found out we what we were having yhere would be no disappointment. By the time we found out we were having a girl I was so happy to have either I'd have been happy either way. Even picked out some boys names. Now were really struggling with girls names 😅

BunnieMilk · 09/02/2022 17:32

@whatcangowrong congrats! I'm also 12 weeks with twins- I get my first official scan tomorrow morning. As you said by 7 weeks your sonographer thinks one is a girl, do you think by tomorrow I might be able to tell the sex of mine? ☺️

whatcangowrong · 09/02/2022 18:28

@BunnieMilk haha I doubt it. My gynae is always extremely confident about everything, but doesn't mean she is right! Congratulations!

bonetiredwithtwins · 10/02/2022 07:51

[quote BunnieMilk]@whatcangowrong congrats! I'm also 12 weeks with twins- I get my first official scan tomorrow morning. As you said by 7 weeks your sonographer thinks one is a girl, do you think by tomorrow I might be able to tell the sex of mine? ☺️[/quote]

I have twins and it was very very clear which was my boy at 12 weeks 😂 - doctor wasn't sure on my little girl but the nurse reckoned girl and I could see the nub / 3 lines on the scan photo

BunnieMilk · 10/02/2022 08:03

@bonetiredwithtwins oooh exciting! So I may possibly get an idea today! ☺️ I researched loads on the nub theory with my son, unfortunately the only scan I had of him at the time there was no nub visable. I hope I see at least 1 little girl today 🤞🏼🤞🏼 was your sonographer okay when you asked if you could see what the sex was. I remember mine wouldn't say anything last time

bonetiredwithtwins · 10/02/2022 13:43

@BunnieMilk

It depends on the area you live....if you live in a diverse area with members of the community that are well known to say not want girls and then abort on that basis then the hospital will have a strict policy of not telling you. My sonographers have usually been happy to have a guess when asked

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/02/2022 13:49

There was a thread a week or so ago where a husband expressed to his partner that he had hoped their baby would be a boy and he was called all sorts of horrible names by people on here.

Gender disappointment (or sex more accurately) is a real thing and affects both mothers and fathers. It's not shameful and it's not wrong. Providing your treat the child with all the love and care regardless of it's sex then it's not wrong to hope it's one sex or the other.

I had really wanted a little girl when I was pregnant because I saw what a shitty relationship my brother had with our mum. He was actively cruel to her and pushed her out of his life in favour of his partners family. We see it on here all the time, women complaining that their husbands are 'too close' to their mum (half the time the behaviour is no different to their own with their mum) and it's upsetting to be a mother of boy/s and think this could be your future.

My son is the greatest little person ever and I wouldn't change a thing about him.