Partner unsupportive

[Anonymous20222]

So my question is am I being unreasonable and can you provide advice.

Me and my OH been together 6 years. 2 daughters together. He will help around the house and with childcare but in the last couple of years that has really went downhill and it now seems like a chore for him to do it or play with daughters etc- he really hates spending time with them.

I’m pregnant with our third child and recently, he has been on his computer constantly, he won’t entirely ignore me ie keep headset off one ear, tells me he loves me, asks me to play a game with him in between etc. anyway, I’m due in 5 weeks and just started maternity leave as you can imagine I’m nesting. Stuff in the house needs done for example, Skirtons need put on, painting, garden needs all the leaves cleared out and so on. Yesterday, I asked him to go swimming morning, seems like he wasn’t happy but went anyway. Yesterday afternoon he played computer while sat and painted the hallway, stairs and bannister etc (I also had to climb ladders to get to top) he knew I was doing this.

Today, he said he will help me do stuff tomorrow, again went on computer. While he was on computer I was doing more work in the house for example, painting again but this time upstairs, measuring the skirtons to be cut and general stuff like that. Clearly I was pissed off because the whole time he is sat on computer knowing I’m doing all this. He did say however, he would help tomorrow and wanted me to relax today. He doesn’t understand that he has been off work two weeks now and I have had this to do list for months and baby is coming and causing me anxiety it not being done. He helped one day last week to put skirtons on in the kitchen but every other day when kids at school and nursery sits on Xbox.

Anyway, he clearly knew I wasn’t happy today and I was in a shitty mood with him but it has resulted in him being totally unreasonable as after I finished everything I asked for the TV as we have another TV he can play computer on and I’m fed up seeing it on all day in the living room. He blew up after this, said Iv been the shitty one all day etc etc as Iv apparently been in mood with him (obviously think anyone would in my situation) now he ignoring me, has fell asleep, said some shitty things to me etc and so on.

In general, I do believe he loves me, he tells me all the time etc and does make effort to keep me happy.

I have also been in hospital twice this last week with issues during pregnancy,

Advice and feel free to ask questions.

Can you hide his computer?

Lots of worrying things here, so sad to here that he sees spending time with us daughters as a chore.. they must pick up on that energy which will affect them long term.
If this has been deteriorating for a few years and isn't new then I'd imagine you've got an uphill battle against this now established behaviour.
Why is he currently not working?
My husband is a little like this, he really likes his down time (but after working a full day!) and hated being asked to do any chores during it. We basically came to an understanding that doing a little each day keeps on top of things and stops it becoming a much bigger job & that was worth sacrificing some down time. Also the reality that as adults we have responsibilities outside our jobs so anytime not working does not automatically equal down time! This was early in our relationship though & not with the responsibility of 2 children.
I think it's concerning that your partner isn't helping you with DIY whilst pregnant, that was one way I managed to push my husband to help more when pregnant, by announcing I was going to paint something and him coming running because he didn't want me up a ladder alone, even early on!
I don't know if you could try involving him in the planning of the jobs to be done, break it down by what needs to be achieved each week & what's feasible each day. Considering your baby could easily come early, try & show him that there isn't time to be sat around for days - if there is, he can do that after the jobs are all completed. Doing some painting doesn't have to take all day & he doesn't need to spend all day on his computer, there doesn't seem to be any balance? It could be a bit of both each day rather than him leaving it all to you & enjoying himself.
I think you should try being direct as guys will tend to use the 'you didn't ask for help' excuse... Try saying you need his help reaching a certain area etc - if he refuses maybe you need a pointed conversation about why he doesn't feel he needs to help with anything?
I always ask my husband for help & then acknowledge that it's not fun for either of us but I really appreciate it because it needs to be done and now we've finished together we can have a nice dinner/movie etc.
I do feel worried that if this is long term behaviour and he's picked a fight with you when he knows you're upset he's not helped out.. it doesn't present a great picture of him, he's trying to turn it around on you & your 'attitude' to deflect taking responsibility for his lack of helping.
How is his mental health? Was he prepared/happy about the new baby?