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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To tell or not to tell 🤔

24 replies

FinallyFertile · 29/01/2022 00:00

Hi.
I'm finally 5 weeks today with our 1st ever pregnancy after 18 years of on and off again trying 🥰🥰
My husband wants to tell our family, I'm not so sure, what is everyone's opinion on telling people this early?
My midwife said technically its confirmed and if a MC is going to happen it will happen regardless of if we've told anyone or not so not to give the 12 weeks rule much thought (she doesn't believe in bad luck apparently) but I'm 36, he's 46 and as it's taken this long to conceive it seems like an absolute miracle and I don't want to tempt fate. Any and all advice or opinions are appreciated 🥰

OP posts:

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nosnos · 29/01/2022 00:03

Whatever your comfortable with
If you’re not comfortable telling your family right now, I’d wait.

We told our parents and siblings a couple of days after we found out and told friends at the 12 week benchmark.
I didn’t want hurtful questions or remarks if I had God forbid miscarried so I just waited

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 29/01/2022 00:04

Congratulations, wishing you all the very best. I told my family and closest friends at about six weeks with my pregnancies. I knew they’d have been there if the worst was to happen and it was lovely to share the joy.

blyn72 · 29/01/2022 03:31

I told everyone when I was at about the same stage. Telling people will have no influence on whether or not you carry the baby to full term - and I hope you do! It's marvellous news.

However, if anything did go wrong, you'd have so many feeling sorry for you, asking questions, and that can't be very nice. It's not something I thought about all those years ago, I was just excited, but have known others in that position.

It's up to you really; if you are not happy with your husband telling people, stress firmly that you want nobody else to know just yet.

MimiDaisy11 · 29/01/2022 03:43

Telling people won’t influence the outcome of course. We’re similar ages and waited until after 12 weeks just to be sure.

While someone above mentions that if something does go wrong you’ll have to deal with attention and questions etc from those you’ve told, the other side to that is that if something goes wrong and you’re upset then no one will know and you might want support.

It’s really up to you. No right or wrong way. Congratulations 🎉

Carebear99 · 29/01/2022 03:45

Hi, similar situation here. I'm 39, been trying on and off for 20 years. I'm almost 8 weeks.

I've told my parents, my boss and a close work colleague. I'll tell everyone she at 12 weeks e.g. rest of family and my 20 year old daughter, and work colleagues

Carebear99 · 29/01/2022 03:46

@Carebear99

Hi, similar situation here. I'm 39, been trying on and off for 20 years. I'm almost 8 weeks.

I've told my parents, my boss and a close work colleague. I'll tell everyone she at 12 weeks e.g. rest of family and my 20 year old daughter, and work colleagues

Trek everyone else I mean

alfreddo87 · 29/01/2022 04:42

I have always looked at it from the point of view that if I did (god forbid) have a MC, then I would tell friends and family as part of the grieving process, therefore keeping pregnancy a secret doesn't make sense to me.

I'm currently 7 weeks pregnant with twins (third pregnancy) and have already told all friends and family and my employer, if anything goes wrong I will be needing a lot of support and time off work so I really think it's a good thing that people know.

We need to normalise pregnancy loss so that women get the support they need.

Congratulations and good luck x

Carebear99 · 29/01/2022 05:02

Gosh my spelling, sorry was early.

I've convinced myself I won't have a successful pregnancy, I would rather no one knows if I miscarry (other than the very few people I've told).

You make a good point @alfreddo87 though

JMPB · 29/01/2022 05:14

We had a private scan at 7 weeks then told close family. Was nice to be able to tell people whilst knowing all ok so far.
Told rest of family & friends after 12 week scan xx

WhatToThink1 · 29/01/2022 05:18

Maybe tell yours and DH’s parents but wait until 12 weeks before you tell everyone else.

Elbie79 · 29/01/2022 05:44

Tell the people whose support you'd want or need if the worst happened.

Original poster

FinallyFertile · 29/01/2022 06:11

Hey everyone!
Thanks so much for your advice, it really is helpful as you all bring up some vary saliant points on the matter.
I shall spoke with my hub in the morning and go through it together with him.

Thank you and I wish you all sticky baby's 🥰🥰🥰

OP posts:

JustWonderingIfYou · 29/01/2022 07:33

We didn't tell until 12 weeks with the first and 15 with the second.

Theres no need to and its sort of nice having a secret between the two of you. It also makes you the woman with the very long pregnancy when you tell everyone super early.

Not to mention if something goes wrong, I wouldn't have wanted to have to talk about that with everyone as I'm very private. I think it depends on introvert vs extrovert.

Mimba1 · 29/01/2022 09:03

I had 2MC before DS. With the first I told no-one - it was the loneliest experience imaginable. I told my mum and closest friend when I got pregnant the 2nd time at around 4 wks - when we lost the baby it was so helpful having those people to support without the whole world knowing. I felt bad that my mum had to grieve as well though. With our third PG we told mum and closest friend again as soon as we found out at 3 weeks. It was great having the support as I was so anxious. I told other family at 22 weeks. Other than my boss/ people in charge of big projects at work I told work and other friends around 36 weeks. I've had some more distant friends be a little surprised when they see me with DS because we never made an "announcement" so to speak. There's really no right and wrong but I do agree that "waiting until 12 weeks in case you lose it" makes no sense and just adds to the sense of shame around pregnancy loss. The vast majority of pregnancies are successful - be happy, get excited and tell those closest to you if you want to!

shannonlt · 29/01/2022 11:03

I told my mum straight away with both of mine. One turned out to be a chemical and one is currently still going at 12 weeks. I didn't regret telling her (and my brother and aunt by extension) about the chemical, but it's up to you what kind of support you'd want - if you want people to know and be sad with you, or if you'd like to keep it to yourself. Everybody copes with things differently but I liked having others who knew who I could talk to and it's nice to have someone else sharing the excitement at the start.

sageandbasil · 29/01/2022 14:38

Congratulations!! I told my family and friends when I was 4 weeks.... I just figured if I did have a Mc I'd want their support.. a lot of people in work knew too. Do what you feel comfortable doing xx

RebeccaCloud9 · 29/01/2022 18:16

I think you should tell everyone who a) may need to know because of how well or not you may feel (I'm going to tell my job share and close work team) and b) whose support I would want if anything went wrong anyway (I will tell my closest friends).

I don't think I would tell everyone eg extended family, less close friends, until after first scan, just because I wouldn't want to have to call round everyone and tell them bad news if there was any.

mistyrae · 29/01/2022 23:35

Hello,
I had my BFP on Tuesday and me and my partner were sure that we weren’t going to tell anyone until 12 weeks other than those who need to know (I need risk assessments for work etc). However, I cannot stop overthinking and am an anxious mess so we decided to tell my mum today and we are planning on telling his tomorrow. We figured that if anything did happen, we would inform them anyway and that they’re a good support network. I have also told my best friend as she is also a good support. Everyone else will find out after 12 weeks and haven’t even decided if we are going to announce on social media or not yet.

I think it’s super individual, I just have only told parents and a friend that I know I would need for support if anything did happen. This is our first pregnancy and it’s offered a lot of reassurance.

ElinorOliphant · 29/01/2022 23:37

Congratulations OP!

Totally your decision about telling people,whatever feels right I guess?

catlady1234 · 29/01/2022 23:51

I had NHS early scans because of previous miscarriages (scans at 6 weeks, 9 weeks) We even had a private scan at 11 weeks so we could confidently tell some friends before a big event. Everything was all good- heartbeat, correct size etc.

I didn't know this until the point- but at the 12 week scan they do a really thorough check of the baby. They measure everything on the baby not just the basics that are done in early scans.

They raised flags at our 12 week scan of facial growth concerns (potentially linked to serious development problems)
Luckily our baby was confirmed healthy by 20 weeks after multiple scans. It was a very stressful 6 weeks wondering if our baby would be okay.

In hindsight I'd only tell people before 12 weeks if you'd want them to be there for you in the worst situation. I was distraught after our 12 week scan and people asking how things are wasn't enjoyable. X

Original poster

FinallyFertile · 29/01/2022 23:52

So..... We decided to tell close family and friends only, mainly the closest tha tknoe how long we've been ttc, so we told he sister lastnight.... Wow her reaction was amazing., my sister today, again, amazing, she's screamed like she's won the lottery, she's an aunty to 11 but has said she has never been so excited as she is with ours because of the struggles we faced, and his mum. She was over the moon at another grandchild, we have yet to tell my parents as we have to do all this via facetime becuase we live over 200 miles away from all family so my sister is helping set us up with facetime with my mum and then my dad. It will then be closest friends only until the scan we think.... Its really feeling real now... Thanks so much for the advice, its honestly helped no end, I shall keep the thread open because it seems like a few others have been reassured by alot of the answers xx

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 30/01/2022 09:41

Congratulations!

Tell the people you would want to turn to for support if you had a miscarriage.

MsSquiz · 30/01/2022 09:44

Congratulations
We told immediate family and my best friends around the 7 week mark (with the exception of my SIL who found out when I got my BFP) because they are the people who would also be there to support us should I miscarry or have any issues.

But we were both comfortable with that. If one of you isn't comfortable telling people yet, I think it's only fair to reach a compromise of when to tell others that you are both happy with.

LizzeyBenett · 30/01/2022 10:11

I think it's completely up to you , I couldn't help myself and told a couple of people I MC at 7 weeks but I'm glad I did tell a few people before hand because I then had support rather than nobody knowing and having to act like this shattering thing hadn't just happened to me.

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