Telling Manager (who couldn't have children) I'm pregnant

[DWDue22]

Hey,

First time posting, due September so still early days but this is playing on my mind. After some advice if anyone has been in a similar situation?
Me (34) and my female manager (nearly 60) are relatively close. I've recently been promoted and it's been a long road with her help to get me up to this level. It's very much just me and her on the 'team' (in an office of around 6 of us) and she relies on me heavily with many plans/projects for work in the next year or so.
Aside from this she is relatively open about the fact that sadly she was unable to have children. She's mentioned IVF and baby loss a few times. She is extremely adamant that when at work people who are pregnant or have recently had a baby should be considerate of those who couldn't have children. She's shocked me several times over the years at how nasty and bitter she can be towards pregnant women or women who've given birth and brought their baby into the office. It's so sad that she hasn't been able to move on but I totally get how all-consuming the pain is. I went through a loss (only 6 weeks so didn't tell anyone) last year which gave me some understanding of the pain she must be in and my heart truly breaks for her. Although clearly she's been through a terrible prolonged time of TTC so I can't really understand.

BUT how do I tell her I'm pregnant? What's the kindest way? And even if she acts ok about it will I never be able to talk about being pregnant or my future baby in the office with my work friends? I'm so excited to have a baby, me and my partner have had to wait a few years due to work and Covid so I'm so excited about this!

She is the kind of person who can be awful to people she doesn't like and she doesn't hide it at all. She must have wondered when me and my husband were going to have children but she's never asked so I do wonder if she's been waiting for this to happen one day...
I'll deal with her reaction when it happens but for now I was hoping for advice on telling her. Email? Text (so it's more personal)? Mention her struggle and acknowledge I know how much an announcement can hurt after loss? Or just not even mention that?
If I wait and don't tell her until I have to then our friendship would be ruined and I want to be as open as I can be. Especially as we plan work a year in advance.

Sorry for the essay! What would you do? X

I would wait until you’ve had your 12 week scan and then tell her in person, can you arrange a time in the office when there is nobody around to have a private meeting? Do you have a maternity leave policy at work? I’d just keep it businesslike, you have to focus on yourself and your needs in terms of maternity leave and pay, and as a manager she needs to deal with it in a professional manner, which really she hasn’t done with the others it seems.

I haven’t dealt with a loss so I don’t have experience to help understand her situation, which is obviously very traumatic, upsetting, difficult and not something that should be minimised. She perhaps needs some professional help to process it. She clearly appreciates you on a personal and professional level and so your pregnancy might in a way help her to come to terms with her situation, if she doesn’t want to lose you (and I’m sure she won’t).

It’s difficult when personal and professional lines get blurred like this, but try not to worry too much. You cannot lose your job over this and you need to put yourself first whilst remaining professional and reliable, which I’m sure you will.

Can't comment on the best way to share the news but your boss doesn't sound like a very nice person when it comes to new parents. Even if she seems OK with it at first, I'd get my ducks in a row and start thinking about the possibility of an internal transfer or job change post maternity leave. My former boss seemed fine with my pregnancy at first then decided to push me out when I was six months gone and experiencing health problems citing "performance issues".

I agree with waiting until after the 12 week scan. I would do it by text - it gives her a bit of space and privacy if she finds the news upsetting. She can have a cry if she needs to without the pressure of needing to be happy to your face immediately. I'm sure she will be happy for you, but may also struggle with the news and it's very thoughtful of you to be aware of that

I agree with her that babies and children of any age should not be brought into the office. I have had to invent meetings just to get out of there before I cried in front of everyone in the past

How about asking for a meeting because you've got 'something to tell her' or similarly vague statement. She'll probably guess what it is and that will give her time to get her head straight. Then just be businesslike in the meeting, talk dates etc. You don't WANT her to behave unprofessionally as she has in the past, so start as you mean to go on.
It's fine to talk about your pregnancy with your other colleagues occasionally, especially if they ask. I probably wouldn't bring the baby in though.

My manager and I were pregnant at the same time and she lost the baby, so I do have a little bit of insight into a similar situation. Though I have to say my manager was absolutely amazing and has been one of my heroes ever since.

Firstly, I agree that you should wait till you've had your 12 week scan.

But in terms of telling her, I think it depends on the culture in your office. You almost have to 'forget' the things you know about her and role model the behaviour you expect from her: ie totally professional. So if you'd normally text big personal news before a meeting, do that (and I agree that might give her time to digest the news in person). If that would be a big no-no (which it would be in any office I've ever worked in) then you have to do it face to face.

In other words, treat it like a normal HR thing and expect the best of her. This is a time when you don't need her to be your friend, you need her to be a good boss.

And congratulations on your pregnancy!

Honestly I’d wait till after the 12 week scan and then email her factually without any emotion in it (don’t mention your excitement or delight at being pregnant etc). Minimise discussion of your pregnancy around her and just keep her updated on when you are leaving and any key updates to your or the baby’s health which could have an impact on work. Don’t expect any more from her and accept that others will be more supportive than your manager.

If bringing the baby in - would suggest you meet colleagues in a coffee shop and she can decide not to come if she wants.

Wait till you have the scan and then take her aside and tell her 1-1. Ask her for a copy of the maternity policy and then leave it at that for the time being and give her a few days to get her head around it.
I completely agree that it must be heart breaking for her even after all these years, however she must accept that other women can't be expected to stop having babies just to ease her pain. They can absolutely keep it low key around her, but not stop all together.

I agree that you need to treat this totally professionally and follow whatever the procedure is. This isn’t the same situation as telling a friend you’re pregnant. She’s your manager and whatever has gone on in her personal life, she needs to put her professional face on for work
If you can let her know when you’re arranging the meeting (or however you need to do it) so she finds out not face to face, that will be easier for her.

Absolutely do not mention her struggle. Be professional.

To everyone saying to tell her 1:1 to be kind, that really isn’t what most of us in the boss’ position want. It’s absolutely awful to be confronted with news that should be happy but makes you sad and you have to try and pull off heartfelt congratulations fighting back tears.
Text/email is much better. You can cry alone and then put your game face on.

@MaChienEstUnDick

My manager and I were pregnant at the same time and she lost the baby, so I do have a little bit of insight into a similar situation. Though I have to say my manager was absolutely amazing and has been one of my heroes ever since.

Firstly, I agree that you should wait till you've had your 12 week scan.

But in terms of telling her, I think it depends on the culture in your office. You almost have to 'forget' the things you know about her and role model the behaviour you expect from her: ie totally professional. So if you'd normally text big personal news before a meeting, do that (and I agree that might give her time to digest the news in person). If that would be a big no-no (which it would be in any office I've ever worked in) then you have to do it face to face.

In other words, treat it like a normal HR thing and expect the best of her. This is a time when you don't need her to be your friend, you need her to be a good boss.

And congratulations on your pregnancy!

Exactly this. This isn’t a ‘friend’ occasion, this is a ‘normally considerate professional behaviour’ situation, and you should model that because that’s what you want back from her.

Do not tell her in person! It will totally blindsight her and if she has a vulnerable reaction or is upset she can't hide it from you.

Remain professional, don't mention her struggle be matter of fact about the pregnancy details as per company policy and only tell her after your 12 week scan also.

Sorry but your manager is being very unprofessional. She should be leaving her personal issues out of the work place.

Follow the correct HR procedure to inform her/the organisation and don't worry further about this.

If she treats you differently/poorly after that document everything and speak to HR.

We have a woman in my organisation who also cannot have kids (not a manager) and who has recently been picking on another colleague who has several children and now is pregnant again. I told my boss who is the CEO of that organisation that her behaviour is unacceptable. I am a manager and I will not tolerate any of this, whatever the personal issues are, in the workplace.

I agree with others that say but your professional head on for this one, and set aside the personal element. Don’t mention her situation at all, don’t say anything like ‘this might be difficult to hear’ - you are a kicking off a formal, legal process so keep it formal.

I suspect your relationship may change once you tell her, based on what you’ve said about her comments about other parents. Be led by her. And put everything in writing.

I would arrange a performance review first. Get it in writing that you are succeeding in your role.

Then have all communication in email. Give her the bare minimum of information and say you are happy to not discuss it in the office bar the required risk assessment.

Protect yourself.

I'm a manager and had a loss. Came back to work 1 week after my D&C and was told face-to-face by a team member that they were 5.5 weeks pregnant. They knew I'd just had a miscarriage. It was horrific to keep a smile on my face and I felt totally blindsided and a lot of ugly feelings.
I wish I had been told over email and then I would have arranged a meeting to discuss further. An email could simply state 'dear X, I'm emailing you to let you know that I am X weeks pregnant. My 15th week before childbirth is estimated to be X. I'm aware according to the maternity policy that I need to inform you of my maternity leave request by this date. I will keep my calendar up to date with my antenatal appointments (to be marked private appointment) so that you are aware of when I am out of the office'.
Receiving something like that would have given me a chance to get myself together and pull my game face out.
I won't lie, I did have to distance myself for a while. I think that's normal and healthy and I certainly didn't do it in an unprofessional way. So please don't be hurt if your manager does the same.

@aesgriff thank you for this insight. Last year after telling my best friend about my loss she told me she was pregnant no more than 10 minutes later and even did it through a scratch card. I've never felt so blindsided and mixed emotions in all my life. She'd planned to reveal but obviously felt she couldn't wait. I cried the whole way home and for days after. It reset the whole grieving period all over again. So I completely agree with you and others saying not to do this face to face. I'm so sorry you went through that. She needs to be professional and so do I but I know what it's like when you know how you should react but every fibre in your body just wants to run and cry.

Thanks everyone for your help (sorry I don't quite know how to reply/post yet!) I'm going to keep it professional and wait until the second trimester 🤞 I'm due a performance review so I'll also book this in pronto just in case things do take an ugly turn.

Maybe I'm being naive in hoping it'll be ok but it seems sensible to prepare for the worst and do everything formally. Anything else is a bonus! Thanks all

Personally I’d ignore the advice to text her. That’s often the advice given for telling friends who will find your news difficult. It’s inappropriate to text your boss.

Keep everything professional, and send her an email. That way, she can digest the news personally on her own, and not in front of you.

Can you maybe send a calendar invite through your email. Saying that you are pregnant and if you need to go over any HR policies, potential leave dates etc we chat about it at this meeting.

My manager was off having her second miscarriage and I was already pregnant but hadn't told work yet. She was due to come back and I was due to go off for a week long holiday and was getting my scan that week. I wasn't sure what to do but I just knew I couldn't tell her that so soon after another loss. She was also nearly 40 so I knew her time was running out. I told the manager that was filling in for her before I went on leave. I'm sure she appreciated that.

She was totally fine about it when I came back. I showed my scan photos to colleagues when she wasn't around. By time I was going on mat leave she was 5 months pregnant though so she got a happy ending.

I certainly wouldn't text or email a calendar invite. She sounds (justifiably so) very bitter about her experiences. I would tell HR, let them tell HR and see where it goes from there. I'd also be considering leaving after ML it doesn't sound like she is going to make life easy for you.

@DWDue22 omg it's just so many mixed emotions isn't it 😢 I can't believe after telling her about your loss she sat and watched you scratch a scratch card to tell her that she was pregnant 😱 talk about being insensitive! She could've held off for a while to tell you.
You're a great person to consider how other's may feel xx

Thanks everyone for your help and sorry I haven't quite got to grips with using this app yet!

I'll wait until the second semester (hopefully no morning sickness!) and I won't do it face to face as a 1:1 (I would for any other manager) because I understand the need to let her digest the information first. I will send an email. As I said we're relatively close so it does feel odd to not be personal and to keep the email formal but I'm taking on board all your recommendations to keep it professional and not blur the lines of friendship/Manager.

I've booked in my performance review for a couple of weeks time so that way if things do take a sour turn between telling her and while on ML then I have evidence that I'm a solid employee.

I want to be sensitive to her unhealed emotions but also protect myself and my career. Thank you so much for your help, it's made me feel loads better about taking control

Texting her is horrible, ridiculous advice. You're an adult and a professional, act like one. Tell her in person with no fanfare, and don't be concerned with how she feels about it. You are not responsible, or to blame, for her feelings. If she starts to bully you or treat you poorly, straight to HR.

'I want to be sensitive to her unhealed emotions but also protect myself and my career'

Very sensible