Pregnant and best friend is struggling to conceive

[Allthesweets]

Hi all,

Wondering if anyone has been here? I am 13 weeks pregnant (truly happy and grateful although feeling like death) and I have a very close friend who has been struggling to conceive for a few years, currently going through IVF and also struggling to conceive with that as well.

I am dreading telling her, as I know how much it hurts her when people around us announce their pregnancies, but I know I’ll have to soon. Has anyone else been here?

Thanks x

I have! My best friend was struggling after 2 miscarriages and unexplained infertility. I had PCOS and endo and was about to start IVF when I found out I was pregnant after ovulating once.

Anyway, we were supposed to go out to dinner and the theater and I had crippling morning sickness and food aversions, so I had to tell her. Honestly, I recommend texting. She told me she really appreciated it as I didn't put her on the spot and she could process her feelings alone before we met.

I was also mindful about not moaning about my difficult pregnancy in front of her. I felt like that would be a dick move.

She fell pregnant a few months later. We're still best friends .

I've been there too, it's really difficult. Agree with PP, better to text instead of call or do it face to face. I sent a message to tell my friend about the pregnancy and said that I understood if she needed some time to process. And then gave her space. It did take some time but she did reach out when she was ready. I also told her before I told the friendship group and gave her a heads up when we were announcing so that she didn't feel blindsided.

I'm still wary about how much I talk to her about the pregnancy (she's not my first port of call for talking about the niggles) but she's so good with our other friends' children even though the feelings are bittersweet so I know she'll be ok when baby comes.

Everyone deals with it differently but I agree that it is best to tell her via text. Obviously don't send her scan pictures etc and if you are going to announce on Facebook then either give her a heads up or set it to 'friends except for' and then select your friend.

Hi, different experience but my baby was stillborn at full term after quite a long fertility journey and have had various friends/family announce pregnancies since. I have really appreciated those who sent a text prior to seeing them/anything going on social media. For me, text is so much better because it allows me to process before responding - I'm always happy for them but it can evoke such complex emotions depending on where I am (even still while
pregnant again!). I tend to unfollow the person on social media so that I can see any posts when I am in a place to manage them. I think being open with them is the main thing and the fact you are considering their feelings will mean a great deal to them.

Thanks both. It’s so hard isn’t it. I had thought a phone call might be best, but maybe a text is better and she can have some space. Did you find that it affected your friendships at all? X

Agree with PPs. I'm the friend in this situation and have always appreciated a text, to give me time to process.

It's not that your friend won't be amazingly happy for you, I know I was it just came with a dose of Will it ever be my turn? that I could deal with in private.

Definitely a text not a call or face to face and don’t send her scan/bump photos or complain about pregnancy to her and it should be fine.

I had two friends where it damaged the friendship - one would send me selfies of her and bump every week despite knowing I’d been through failed IVF. It actually really affected my mental health. Another kept texting me about how sick she felt and how worried she was about something going wrong in pregnancy - I was not the right person for that!

Ironically I found the friends who were most sensitive to me were the ones I could make most effort for as I knew they were being good to me so I made a big effort to ask how the pregnancy was going etc even though it was tough for me to do so. Those friendships also never suffered at all and are as strong as ever!

I had to tell a friend struggling to conceive that I got pregnant accidentally. Was dreading telling her as I can only imagine how infuriating and unfair it would feel for her. Especially as we were going to be meeting in a group and the cat would be out of the bag as soon as I said I wasn't drinking.

So like others here, I text her privately to let her know and give her the chance to process her feelings about it without being put on the spot and feeling forced to react a certain way. Which she said she appreciated.

I agree it's best to text, to be honest though how it affects the friendship will largely be down to her. I have 2 friends that were struggling when I was pregnant, one was absolutely horrible about it to be honest- the other was honest and said she needed to step back for a bit which was of course fine.

@Allthesweets

Thanks both. It’s so hard isn’t it. I had thought a phone call might be best, but maybe a text is better and she can have some space. Did you find that it affected your friendships at all? X

Short term, yes - we were definitely more distant for a bit, I couldn't really confide in her about my pregnancy woes which were consuming my life, so our friendship was definitely more superficial until her pregnancy was on safe footing, so she was about 20ish weeks.

Long term - no, not at all. We have toddlers about 7 months apart now and we're the best of friends. When shit went down at my office this week, she was the first one I called to scream about it over FaceTime and I was her first call for all of her baby's sleep problems.

I’ve been in both ends and currently 38 weeks while bf is doing ivf (both our second). Things which I’ve done as I appreciated them when I was on the other side.

Tell her by text
Don’t complain over your pregnancy
Take her lead - if she asks u about the pregnancy or baby tell her but otherwise don’t tell her about scans/nursery/names etc

I’m still the best of friends with mine. She occasionally asks how things r I tell her but don’t dwell on it. I know she’s happy for me but hurting for herself and I want her to protect herself and do what’s right for her as I know what a difficult time it can be x

Def text, not call.

To be honest, it will likely be your behaviour that effects the friendship. She can't really do much about her situation, and will (rightly so) be very sensitive. So if I were you, if you want to keep the friendship, then just realise that this friend isn't the one to be sending bump selfies too, or scan pictures, or complaining etc. I'm not saying pretend you're not pregnant, but I just think you have other friends who would be better placed to have these conversations with.

Once the child is here, I'm sure it'll be easier for her. But again, you just need to realise she's in a situation she can't control and that's really difficult for her.

My SIL who I'm close to announced her first pregnancy at a big family gathering and I was completely blindsided and really hurt because she knew we'd been TTC for ages. I explained how difficult I found it and that if I was a bit "off" she shouldn't take it personally and she was a bit surprised I think. Sadly she lost her baby and we all gathered round to support her. In the meantime we'd lost two pregnancies without telling anyone. When she got pregnant again she (not knowing) phoned my husband - honestly a text would've been better for us - but it wasn't about us, she wasn't psychic, and it was still better than the first time. We told her about our losses as I just couldn't face being around her. She was great - she kept reaching out but without any pressure and meeting up when I could did help even though it was really painful. Honestly, it took me a long time to be OK with her and I couldn't bear seeing pictures of her baby. It only got better after our 3rd successful pregnancy once my baby was safely here.

I do think everyone deals with infertility and pregnancy loss differently. Your friend might be fine. And if she's not she'll know that she's not being the friend she used to be and probably feels bad about it. I think all you can do if you want to be supportive is give her time and space. Keep inviting her to stuff but be OK if she doesn't feel like she can come. If that's too much that's OK too - she'll hopefully get it. An insight that I think is helpful to remember is that infertility worries usually get worse with time not better - she may get used to you being PG, and might be fine once your baby is here. But she might not as her worries could be growing. There's not a lot you can do about it either way. It was better for me and SIL to see each other less for around 18mo - seeing her made me feel like a failure and I'm pretty sure I was a downer on her pregnancy when I was around which I didn't want to be. We get on really well now though!

Glad I've read this.

I'm very early but one of my closest friends has been ttc for years. Like 15 years. She's had loads of miscarriages and confided in me she was-going to have ivf this year. From that I shared I'd been ttc for a long long time with no luck, it brought us together a bit.

I'm now pregnant and she starts ivf in the next few weeks.
I will text her to let her know.
Thanks.

I've been your friend. Definitely text, don't call.
I think you need to accept that it might cause a bit of an issue with your friendship, hopefully temporarily. I'd say in your text that you understand if she'd rather have some space for a while, and then let her lead. See what she's comfy with.
And never volunteer info about the pregnancy. Wait for her to ask.
If you let her have the space she needs, the friendship should be fine long term. My best friend understood in this way, and our friendship is better now than it was before!

im on the other side of this. my close friend has told me she is pregnant. She text me which i really appreciated. It gave me a chance to process it. i was so heartbroken and i cried most of the evening as it wasnt even planned. If she had told me face to face, i dont think i would have been able to deal with it. its a weird feeling, im soo happy she is pregnant but its just a huge reminder that im not after my miscarraige last year. She offered me some space and I didnt see her for a few weeks ( life did get in the way too) but then we met up and it was lovely and normal. She chatted about the pregnancy but didnt ram it down my throat. I asked questions about it and she asked me how i was doing in regards to my IVF.

Just be a little bit more sensitive when it comes to baby chat and everything will be fine. Its about setting boundaries and if you have a good friendship, things will work out.

I’ve been your friend and am still in the same situation as your friend.

From my experience I’d say send a letter so that she can read it fully when she is ready. If you send a text she could be out in company and it’s difficult to ignore a text popping up on your screen. Most important of all it should come from you and not third party.

When she has read your letter give her time, as although she may feel so much happiness for you, her heart will still be breaking for her. Don’t force anything on her, although it will be difficult don’t discuss your pregnancy with her unless she asks - never complain about the pregnancy to her as she would love to have a pregnancy to complain about.

Although she might distance herself fro. You at first don’t distance yourself from get a d try to understand how she might be feeling.

Once you’ve had your baby don’t force her to visit, and don’t spring a visit with the baby on her, please don’t bombard her with photographs and if you need to share photos on social media perhaps hide them from her view.

She will be so happy for you but grief is a fickle thing.

I’m only speaking from my experience because several of my friends fell pregnant after my loss and during our TTC struggle these are how I’d rather they’d handles it so I apologise if it seems a bit much.