It's all a bit much

[Mizzi1904]

My MIL is buying big things already and I'll be 14 weeks tomorrow. First time it was a cot and bouncer that was free on FB, which looked lovely and she collected it. But now I've found out a head bit is missing so I can't use the bouncer for a newborn and the cot doesn't have a lift down so we will struggle as we both get bad backs. She text me yday saying she had bought a bath as it was cheap, but it looks huge and we only have a small 2 bed semi. I was after one of those flat ish ones I can just lean up in the bathroom, but she hasn't asked and I haven't got room to store it or anything we don't use.
I'm worried about what will come next, I really just need some space and would love to start getting things after 20 week scan myself.
I tried talking to hubby but he said we can't afford to be picky and don't upset her, but we have weeks left to research and pick stuff properly instead of the first thing that comes along. I'm sure there will be other bits discounted on FB and charity shops and Primark when I have a better idea what we are after so it doesnt all have to be new and expensive. My family want to buy some bits too and they won't be able to if MIL keeps buying things every few days.

I dont want to be ungrateful or upset her but I just don't know what to do.
That on top of work stress and deadlines, and so behind on housework just feels too much pressure. Hubby is always out helping other people and just doesn't seem to understand, as much as I love him.
I want to enjoy 2nd trimester not worry about it all and whether I can cope with it all.
Any advice or similar situations gratefully received!

You need to be polite but firm here. She’s had her chance to raise her family, now it is your turn and that includes the excitement of choosing bits for baby and planning them around your requirements.
Ideally your DH would stand up to MIL and explain this but it sounds like he is not keen. Can you text her instead? If not taking no for an option you may need to explain that anything she buys that is not suitable will be resold/charity shopped (although this is a huge PITA for you) or not accepted through the door.

It's hard when grandparents get really overenthusiastic. The cot and bouncer were free, so I would be upfront and say thank you for collecting them, but now that you've seen them they won't work for a newborn or for you so you're going to pass them along to someone else. With the bath, you could again thank her but say that it doesn't fit in your bathroom - help is only help if it helps you, she thinks she's helping by getting this stuff, but it will only get worse if you don't (kindly) let her know that this stuff just isn't suitable for you. Hopefully if she knows that not everything is suitable, then she will start to check with you first and give you a chance to say actually, no, that's not the type of pram I'm after, I've got plenty of time still to get this stuff etc.

You could also say thank you, but just now you'd like to wait until you're a bit further along (maybe after the 20 week scan) to get anything else.

Being grateful and not being picky doesn't mean you have to accept any old thing someone gives you. If your MIL is reasonable, and really wants to help out with baby stuff, then hopefully she will want to work with you to find the stuff that you actually want and need rather than just what she thinks you need.

I think you need to try to set your boundaries now before you get an influx of unsuitable things. Maybe give her some specific things to look out for but ask her to please send them to you to look at before she buys/collects them. Explain that space is an issue so you don't want anything getting without checking with you first and if there are things your family want to buy try to get this decided now so you can say 'no need to look for a pram/Moses basket etc, my family are getting that.'

@mumofmunchkin has it. Polite but firm… and actually mean it! No point saying oh xyz doesn’t work for us then keeping it and feeling annoyed anyway!

I'm guessing your MIL lives quite close to you and that you're likely to see her often after baby comes, so can these be the bits of kit kept at her house for when you visit? Sounds like the bouncer will need to be donated onwards anyway if you can't use it from newborn. My in-laws live a 10min drive away and have our son 2.5days a week while I work, so they have always had highchair, travel cot etc at theirs, and luckily they always asked us before they bought something or got it second-hand.

When yo are looking for what you want: We only started well after 20wks and got basically everything second hand via Facebook, so it can be great! I managed to get all the exact items I would have bought so we didn't have to compromise, (except a Tripp Trapp at 6m, so we bought that new). Don't be afraid to put up a 'looking for' advert as often people will respond with just what you want. As an aside, drop-sided cots are pretty rare now in my experience, so you might struggle to find one. I would have loved one but couldn't find any (although I've never seen one which also turns into a toddler bed, so they have less 'life' than the convertible cots).

Does she impulse buy normally or is she doing it out of excitement and a desire to help? In the future, could you get her to help by keeping an eye on what's available and letting you know so you can research it yourself. Sometimes it's easier to redirect someone's efforts than to reject them completely.