Too old to have baby no.2

[Threethreesk]

Hi
I'm new to here & this is my 1st post I'm just feeling so sad. I fell pregnant unplanned at at 36 after only being together for 6 weeks! It was rocky at first but we stayed together and now my little one is nearly 9. Can't believe it. Anyway I'm 45 next month and a second baby hasn't happened. I'm incredibly lucky to have had one I know but I just can't seem to shake this grief at not having another, it feels multi layered. Partner won't do IVF and says he's too old, he's 51. He has an older daughter in her 20s so the feeling to have another has never been there for him. Sorry I just needed to 'reach out' I just feel so lonely and desperate actually. Thank you for listening x

I hear you, OP. DH and I really wanted a second but two miscarriages later and I feel the door is pretty much closed. I'm a similar age to you. I am very grieved about it and sad that I can't give DD a sibling, but I do regularly try and remind myself of the positives - we are incredibly lucky to have her and both have a great relationship with her. I know physically that if I did get pregnant now it would be very rough going and we would both really struggle for energy with a newborn. It would be exhausting and debilitating. The sadness probably won't ever go away fully, but I don't want to cloud my relationship with DD by focusing on that instead of on her.

Thank you for answering me and giving me comfort I'm not alone. I appreciate it x I wish you all the best

Also they are really useful points you make

I had my last baby at 42, OP. And although I knew I was incredibly blessed and that 42 was the absolute limit, I think there's this absolute bereavement that comes with our fertility door slamming shut. It really is a bit of a blunt experience... kind of like when you go to look up a shop's location and hours on Google and you see the red lettering 'permanently closed' and you think, "When did that happen??"

I am going to be THAT annoying person and recommend a pet. We got a dog when I was 43 and he really, really softened the blow that comes with being dumped at that dimly lit terminus at the far end of Fertility Road. It is a bereavement. Honour this. Go through it. You'll heal. It's just one of those things and it's hard. But actually, the relief is that in your late 40s, you do tend to really start being totally, totally ok with leaving the baby club. We spend so many years immersed in that minefield, you'll eventually hit my age, 50, and be delighted to be out of it. I love that I no longer even get a twinge of envy butterflies in my stomach when I see a pram going by. I can now totally love the sight of little babies and not feel like I am missing out. I've left the club and it feels totally ok. More than ok. You'll get there too. I suppose it's just called 'peace'. And we all get to that place.
I really recommend getting a gorgeous Labrador or some other big ol' mushy lovebug of a dog. I can't emphasize enough how much it helped fill up that broody void I was languishing in.

Ahh ❤ I already have a big love bug of a rescue dog, hes gorgous. He's like a brother to my son. Thank you though, I think there's a lot of comfort in pets and loving/caring for them.
But you're totally right, it is a bereavement and that's what I'm feeling. I have so much regret on top as I was told by an ivf clinic at 40 all was fine with me, then again at 43 that I have a good ovarian reserve for my age, just not a supportive partner who wouldn't go for the male tests, the next step to get Ivf help. I was told last month, December, that my reserve has diminished a lot, have an AMH level of 4 now but they would still be willing to treat me, just same story, need my partner to give a sample and there's only a 2% chance of it working! Sorry for the TMI and overshare there! Anyway. I am definitely at that stage, where everyone seems to be pregnant or carrying babies, my friend even just had one at 45! So good to know I will come through 'the club' and get over it. I know I need counselling really. I'll get there, thank you x

Oh you've been through the mill emotionally, OP. It's quite traumatic watching our fertility sort of gently fly out a slowly shutting window. It really sneaks up on you. And I really feel for you because when I was 42, most of my friends had grown children. I wasn't surrounded by people having babies in the way women are now, just a few years later. It's much more prevalent, having babies at 45. Our baby club membership is being prolonged! And that is very hard, especially when you're not the one having the babies and when the 40s are so unpredictable, baby-wise. I had many friends who are now in their 50s, whose husbands, when their wives were 45-46, decided after like a 10-12 year gap since the last baby, that they wanted their wives to have a baby. None of them had a baby. But the sudden pressure to have one, after years of husbands not wanting babies (and then pulling a switcheroo once their wives were mid-40s), made me feel angry. I think a lot of men really don't understand that you do have to strike while the iron is hot. And THEY are actively a vital part of that process. We carry so, so, so much alone as women. Having babies is not for the faint of heart. I used to slightly envy those women who had 4 children, 2 years apart like ducks in a row, with not a complication in sight... and with thoughtful husbands on the same page (such an important thing! It is a killer when they're not.).

Gently fly out of a slowly shutting window is such a good way to describe it! I feel like I've walked into this wall with my eyes open, it's so funny. I agree with you, it needs to be a partnership unless women make a positive decision to do it on their own, with a donor for example. I'm trying not to be or feel resentful, truth be told I'm most resentful at myself but there's still a 2 percent chance, so I can't let go yet even though I know it may as well be zero!!! I'm constantly trawling the Internet for stories about women getting pregnant at 46 😁😁 Everyone has been so lovely, I feel really quite touched by the kindness and understanding. Thank you for responding x

Hi just to give my experience.

I'm 39 next week and I had my daughter when I was 18. We've been ttc ever since, had fertility investigations and I've got pcos and endometriosis. I never had periods and considered ivf but had decided against it.

Anyway I had accepted it but on Monday this week I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. I went for an early scan and I'm 5 weeks. I suspect my age will go against me but I hope the pregnancy is viable. The point of this post is that you do live to accept it, I had. I have 2 dogs who are like my children. My pregnancy wasn't planned at all and was a complete surprise.

Hope all goes well! I know lots of women who had babies at 40 41, all fine. I will I'm sure, just now it's hard. I just wish my partner would say let's go for it, let's try, just so I don't regret it further. But there you go, what will be will be. Good luck with it all x

Thank you. Who knows that the future holds for you, but I wish you all the best.

I think it depends how badly you want no 2. I would never want my DP’s decision to supersede my own and wouldn’t advise other women to do that either. If you really want a child and want ivf ask about sperm donors / egg donation.

🤗

I'm sorry you are going through this, OP. I had my first baby at 42 after 4 previous miscarriages and 2 rounds of IVF. Two more miscarriages and we'd finally accepted that we were only going to have one child. It was a freeing feeling as previously it just hurt to see siblings together. I'm now 48 and just had a new baby- the surprise of a lifetime. We were not TTC but weren't using any birth control either. I truly had mixed emotions about it. We'd gotten past the tumultuous toddler stages with our first and felt like we were really getting into the fun bits of kindergarten, sports teams, etc. Now we are back to square one. Our friends have kids who are roughly ages 7 and upwards so, while everyone is excited for the newborn, we'll be in those toddler years while everyone else is so well beyond that stage. Plus, we'll be the parents in their 50s at the school gates. We know how absolutely lucky we got with this baby and are truly truly delighted, but it does come with a reality check.

I had my last baby at 39 and I must say, I've really noticed a difference in how it has affected me physically, compared with my other babies all born in my 20s. And I've been extremely lucky with this one because she has slept right through from 6 weeks old.

So, although I know that probably doesn't make you feel better, it really does become more tiring the older you are. My 2 year old's dad is 52. We aren't together and he has her from Saturday to Sunday but I don't think he'd be able to cope for weeks at a time although that probably will get easier for him as she gets older.

@LateBloomer414

I'm sorry you are going through this, OP. I had my first baby at 42 after 4 previous miscarriages and 2 rounds of IVF. Two more miscarriages and we'd finally accepted that we were only going to have one child. It was a freeing feeling as previously it just hurt to see siblings together. I'm now 48 and just had a new baby- the surprise of a lifetime. We were not TTC but weren't using any birth control either. I truly had mixed emotions about it. We'd gotten past the tumultuous toddler stages with our first and felt like we were really getting into the fun bits of kindergarten, sports teams, etc. Now we are back to square one. Our friends have kids who are roughly ages 7 and upwards so, while everyone is excited for the newborn, we'll be in those toddler years while everyone else is so well beyond that stage. Plus, we'll be the parents in their 50s at the school gates. We know how absolutely lucky we got with this baby and are truly truly delighted, but it does come with a reality check.

Wow - that's amazing - congrats.

If you have another dc then the 10 year age gap between them will be quite large. I’m really close to the sibling who’s a year younger than me compared to the one that’s nearly 10 years younger than me. My parents aren’t quite 50 yet so I think your dh’s age is old to have a baby. Your age also comes with lots of risks to the mother and unborn baby.

Congratulations Latebloomer. I think they come along when they come along and we just have to adapt as best we can. Pregnancy birth and parenthood can throw up challenges at any age! I'm just trying to navigate my way through this time. Thanks everyone x

Sorry to hear the reluctance of your partner but you may always have an embryo donation especially abroad for over 45, I've been to Cyprus

You are clearly very young. I'm 39 and unexpectedly pregnant, we'd been trying for 21 years since our daughter was born. That's a very large age gap but who cares. Life happens