Feeling so anxious after previous losses

[SoOverThisCrap]

In 2019 I had a MC at 5.5 weeks, in February 2021 I had a MMC with twins, they'd stopped growing at 10 weeks, which we found out at my 13 week scan. I had severe morning sickness, no bleeding etc so it was a complete shock. I then had a chemical pregnant in October 2021.

I found out last week that I'm pregnant again, so I'm just over 3 weeks and full of anxiety. This time I've stepped away from the tests, once I got my positive confirmed on a digital I stopped testing and I made sure I don't have any tests in the house.

I don't feel pregnant yet but I'm taking progesterone pessaries (which I also used when I had my chemical) so I'm worried that I'm having another loss but the progesterone is delaying any bleeding, which is what happened with the chemical.

I was only prepared for it to happen because I was testing daily and my lines got fainter and the weeks on the digitalis dropped until it said not pregnant, and bleeding didn't start until two days later.

This is why I've just decided to step away from the tests and not obsessively test, though it's just so hard not knowing what's going on really. With the chemical, when the lines started to get fainter I had very loose stools (tmi) so every time I now get tummy cramps and need the loo I'm worried that it will happen again. Every time I have gone to the loo it's actually the opposite. I'm gassy, constipated and bloated, which I'm taking as a good sign, but again this can also be a side effect of the progesterone.

My breasts were pretty tingly a couple of days ago but since then, nothing. I'm determined not to take any more tests but at the same time it's so hard not knowing and feeling anxious.

I have a DD who's 5 but I can't remember any of my early symptoms. After the loss of twins we did have all the necessary tests and they have no idea why it keeps happening, which is why I was prescribed progesterone pessaries for the last pregnancy.

I don't even really want to have an early scan as I'm scared to know the outcome. I haven't let my gynaecology consultant or my gp know I'm pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant last time I let them know, and then two weeks later after the chemical I then had to make all the phone calls telling them about the loss, having to call the hospital to cancel my early scan etc and I can't go through that again.

Anyway, the upshot is I'm anxious. Sorry for the essay!

I should also add that on Monday I took a digital and it said pregnant 1-2. I had one more left in the house and used it on Wednesday just so I could make sure it wasn't in the house and temptation, and it said pregnant 2-3 so it's jumped very quickly, especially as my apps marked me as 3 weeks 2 day pregnant, and I definitely know when I ovulated, which was CD10 so that reading is definitely too high in terms of weeks, so I'm also worried it might be twins again. I also turned 41 in December so I know that age can be a factor for losses (even though they can't find a medical reason) or twins.

I understand the anxiety, I've had an MMC and a chemical and I'm 41 so have the age worries too. Stepping away from testing is a great idea. All I can suggest really is to try and distract yourself as much as possible. I was lucky that my first few weeks were over Christmas so I was quite busy!

I understand and felt very similar in my last pregnancy after 2 losses. The only way I coped was to try and take thing a week by week. That lasted till 8 weeks and I went for a scan as I was so very scared that there was something wrong I couldn't concentrate on anything and had another small child to look after plus work.

For me 8 weeks was my tough part - I lost my other babies at this point so maybe this is when you need a plan for - how can you distract yourself or think about how to cope for when you get to your tough parts?

When pregnant this last time - I did register and when my midwife contacted me i asked to delay booking in till 10 weeks - for me I couldn't go through booking in again and again lose the baby.

So keep thinking small steps.

And my baby arrived safely and I was 41 when he did. And once age can help. Being over 40 I was treated as high risk and was under consultant. Scans every 4 weeks from 28 weeks. Straight to c-section at the first sign of distress in labour. I felt I received very good care thanks to my age

Aside from the dates being different I could have written the exact same post as you OP.

I had an early loss at just over 5 weeks in February last year then fell pregnant with twins the month after. We saw heartbeats at 7 weeks but then I lost all symptoms (not that I had many to say it was twins) and went for a scan just before 10 weeks to find out they had stopped growing the week before so I had an MVA in April.

I fell pregnant again in November but the line quickly faded so that was a chemical then fell pregnant again in December straight away.

In theory I'm almost 10 weeks and convinced my GP to prescribe me progesterone this time round. I've had a lot of bloating and sickness but I'm not convinced that's not just a result of the pessaries rather than any positive pregnancy signs.

I've just talked myself into referring to the midwifery team which I was putting off because I had to ring and cancel before my booking in appointment with the twins.

I'm too scared to go for an early scan as I'm happier living in ignorance for the moment and can't face them telling me there's no heartbeat again.

It's so sad that all the heartache and loss completely distracts from what should be a very exciting time.

My motto is 'hope for the best but prepare for the worst' now.

Thank you for your lovely comments @Cakecakecheese @welshladywhois40 @TBF2929 and I'm sorry to hear that you've all suffered losses in the past, it's truly awful.

I'm due to run out of my progesterone pessaries by the middle of next week so I know I should ring my Gynaegology consultant sooner rather than later so I can get a repeat prescription as I think they have to be issued by her (my first batch were which I used when I had my chemical pregnancy) and I had to pick the prescription up from the hospital and get them from the on-site pharmacy...

I just feel that if I tell someone professional I'll be tempting fate but I do need those pessaries. I know she'll want to book me in for an early scan, and again, I just feel like it's tempting fate and that the pregnancy won't even make it until that point again.

Every day I wake up and say to myself that today I'm still pregnant, I'm very much taking it day by day but it doesn't help that my DD is constantly saying she wants a baby brother or baby sister...

So I spoke to my gynaecologist and she's going to book me in for an early scan but I've asked for it to be nearer to 7 weeks as I don't want it too early in case nothing can be found, and she agreed.

She's also written my next prescription for Cyclogest so that's sorted.

I did buy a twin digital pack and FRER on Tuesday 🤦‍♀️ the digital on Tuesday said 1-2 and I've just used the other one now so it's not temptation further down the line and it says 3+! I'm a bit confused as I'm only 4 weeks 3 days 😱 I know exactly when I ovulated and I felt implantation....