No support?

[haidri]

Hi lovelies, I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant. Suffered two miscarriages previously, so hopefully I should be seeing my first bunny in my arms.

Is it normal to have an anxious husband at this point? I mean come on 9 months have almost gone & this guy hasn't read up on anything. It's making me cry, frustrated, angry.. everything under the sun.

Most of them dont read etc as its 'womans job', save yourself the nerves xx

He's probably terrified now he realises you're actually going to give birth. My DH didnt want to read up on anything. I gave him the Executive Summary version on the way to hospital so he was familiar with my (totally useless) birth plan.

First time I found it frustrating, second time was even worse as he thought he was a complete pro and did even less that was useful! He did have lovely skin-to-skin with our baby boy the second he was born though, that was beautiful.

At 36 weeks there are lots of hormones swishing about. Just ride the wave. I prefaced most comments with "I'm feeling extremely hormonal but i have to say..." DH did a lot of eye-rolling.

@NotTheGrinchAgain I guess I'm supposed to ride this alone and not expect him to know what I'm going through then 🤦🏻‍♀️

DH didn't read anything and annoyingly was far more of a natural than me when DD arrived, despite me having read every book under the sun and him having never even held a baby Highly irritating.

I think everyone prepares in their own way. I'm a researcher and a reader; DH isn't – he's just a doer. But in the end it made very little difference. I'd say the main thing was not that reading made me a better parent but it gave me more confidence, whereas for him he didn't feel he needed that, which was fair enough, because when DD arrived he was brilliant and I couldn't have asked for better.

What is it you are wanting him to read? I definitely think it's reasonable to want him to be aware of your birth preferences and stuff.

I bought him a book about it for men, written by a man. He reads a chapter a month as to where I am in pregnancy... otherwise he'd know nothing!

I should add that I've had 3 miscarriages and IVF at this point (now 26 weeks pregnant) he's very supportive but I think totally overwhelmed by it all. They can never understand the huge journey we go through and I think the enormity of it all can be overwhelming for them because it def is for me and it my body!

Does he think you've got it all in hand? Maybe he needs to know that you don't and are feeling it's all a bit too much for you too x

@yorkshireteaspoonie I think he's assuming I'm a woman and I'd naturally know how to be a mum..

I think that some guys just really lack initiative..
I watched some online baby courses with my husband about birth, baby care & breastfeeding and he did actually enjoy them and absorb the information but he wouldn't have thought to research it himself.
He's been so great with looking after me while I've been unwell during the pregnancy, though apart from cooking, he didn't pick up the slack with washing/cleaning without prompting.
I recently started to get quite anxious about how much is left to be done for the baby & we had quite an intense conversation about it but I've now given him a list of things that he's in charge of organising/researching to take some of the pressure off me and after our conversation I've decided to be more vocal about just asking for help when I want it & if he huffs I ask straight up ask him if he thinks what I'm preparing for the baby isn't necessary and he hasn't complained since lol
It is very frustrating and honestly I would count my husband as generally quite helpful but he still needs that push that is what I struggle with, as it still puts the mental load onto us.
Not sure this was super helpful for you but I understand how you're feeling & this is how I've been handling it

Oh I also had my husband be the one to download the pregnancy apps & so each week he has to tell me what's happening lol & he gets to see potential pregnancy pains etc
I think it's such an all consuming thing for some women when pregnant, like we cannot get away from it at all, it's such a constant thing happening to us but guys get to switch off quite a lot & unfortunately I think it ends up falling to us to get them involved.

@jolota he's got the pregnancy apps and hasn't opened it once. In addition, he's been picking up these dad leaflets from midwife appointments but doesn't want to read them.

I don't get why he doesn't want to take a role in this pregnancy if not an active role? I assumed he wouldn't ask me "what is a breech baby" "when are you due" "why do you have hormonal changes".

Like hello? Apps? Google it maybe? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm sure you've tried lots of things but my suggestion would be to keep pushing - I did because these kind of questions will be a million times more annoying when the baby's born (why is the baby doing this/that - you just take the baby, you're so much better with them - where do we keep the nappy bags etc)
I kind of delegated jobs to my husband to make him more involved, he moisturises my bump every evening & talks to the baby because I showed him an article about how babies recognise voices.
I had to ask him every week, what does the pregnancy app say at first but now he opens it himself and tells me what's going on & if he has questions, I'm less annoyed because he's trying at least.
Have you considered NCT? I'm thinking that maybe engaging with other dads to be might make him see how involved others can be - though I think they're online at the moment so that wouldn't be as effective for getting the message across.
Would he be willing to watch online classes with you? To learn about labour & baby care? It's quite a passive way for him to get information but might give him an opening to search more.
Maybe give him specific jobs he can do to help prepare, like research hospital bag lists & check parking requirements at your chosen hospital.
Also, maybe try and see it as a positive that he's asking questions, I'm sure it feels frustrating because he could access the information so easily himself but he must have some interest to ask at all!
It's probably helpful to have an idea in your mind of exactly what help & support you want from him. I understand it's more a 'feeling' but it was much easier to explain to my husband why he needed to do more when I could communicate exactly what I needed support with and the things he could do.

@jolota I'm going to try your advice with prayers that it works. You've sparked a glimmer of hope in the last weeks of me about to deliver

I think it's just all so abstract to them and frightening tbh. My husband was desperate for a second, over joyed when I fell pregnant but frankly useless about what stage bump is at and what's happening for me and is guaranteed to start freaking out as we get closer to bump arriving.

Try not to get too annoyed about it but definitely delegate him pregnancy related jobs and explain you need him to be involved and more supportive. Probably worth having the chat about how you are both going to be parents and both need to look after the baby now and let's face it, again and again.... Expect stupid questions once baby arrives along the lines of where are the nappies etc.

My husband was a useless baby Dad but he's a brilliant toddler Dad, I think some just struggle with the baby stage.