A moan about my mum

[AwkwardPaws27]

Just here for a whinge really!

We started TTC a year after our wedding, & unfortunately had 3 MCs before this pregnancy. We also took a break from TTC after the second miscarriage during the early waves of covid when partners weren't allowed at scans etc as, as I couldn't face going through an MC alone, so it's taken a couple of years to get to this point.

We decided to find out the sex at the anomaly scan as I'm struggling to bond with this baby (I also have an anterior placenta so I haven't felt movements yet). I just wanted to be better able to envisage actually bringing home a baby this time.

I told my mum and she was really surprised we'd found out and said we shouldn't tell anyone. She also corrected me from "we're having a boy" to "well, you might be having a boy".

She then went on to say that she didn't think my last miscarriage (confirmed by scan and blood tests) was actually a miscarriage.

No congratulations. No happiness.
First grandchild & she's made comments in the past about me "being a career girl" as I hadn't had a baby sooner (I'm 32, not exactly an old mum!).

Am I a weirdo for finding out the sex?
I didn't think we would originally but in the circumstances I've found it helpful.

You're mum's reaction sounds really weird! I'm sorry she's not being supportive.

No, you're not strange. Many, many people choose to find out the sex before the baby is born - it's no better or worse choice than waiting until the baby is born, just different options! And yes, while they do very occasionally get it wrong, in the vast vast majority of cases they will be correct (especially if they've seen evidence of a boy).

I had a midwife last week tell me and DP we'd ruined the birth for ourselves by asking about the gender and it should be banned. No humour whatsoever. We're also pregnant after loss so like you we chose to find out to make it seem more real and try to get excited rather than anxious all the time. If she comes out a boy then so be it! We're happy with either, although he'd be rocking pink dungarees for a few months 😄. So no, absolutely do not think you're weird for finding out

I also have an anterior placenta and I also really struggled to bond with bump until I started feeling her moving regularly at 26 weeks!

I found out the gender with a blood test at 8 weeks, and didn't tell anyone until our gender scan at 16 weeks - it's completely normal to tell people the gender - not sure why your mum is being so strange about everything!

Thank you. I didn't think it was a big deal but her reaction really made me question it!

I think I need to work harder at accepting that my mum is never going to be the mum I want/need her to be. It makes me miss my grandmother so much as she was really more of a maternal figure to me.

I don’t think it’s weird to find out at all. We haven’t, as we’d rather have a surprise at birth. But in my antenatal class, there were 12 of us and I am the only one who doesn’t know what I’m having.

So I’d say it’s weirder to not find out. We get a lot of surprised reactions when we tell people we don’t know the sex.

It really isn't weird to find out, but your mum sounds very weird indeed (and not very nice). Sorry OP, that must be hard. I had three miscarriages before my first and that, and the subsequent successful pregnancy, was such an awful, anxious time - I think you need to do whatever you can to minimize her presence in your life if that's how she's going to make you feel.

I always think it's so strange when people say the birth will be less exciting or that you've ruined it if you find out first - to be honest it makes me feel a bit sorry for them. Both times I gave birth I knew they were boys and the moments that they were handed to me were the best moments of my life by a long way. I can't imagine feeling like I needed to create a 'surprise' for myself to make it feel more special - it couldn't have been any more special.

Yeah I think most people do find out the sex to these days. Your mum is being very critical and un-understanding for some reason. If this is odd for her, have you asked her if she has anything going on with her? If it's normal behaviour, you just need to adjust your expectations of her. Don't go to her for comfort, validation or support. Find these things from other people instead. Unfortunately not all mothers are good at these things, and not all mothers put their kids first (just like any people really). I'm so, OP.

I'm sorry, that was meant to say!

We had a surprise with baby 1 and found out with baby 2. Tbh your mum just sounds a bit weird about the miscarriages. You know her best - is there any way it’s a (very) misguided attempt to protect you from further unhappiness/disappointment? (Sorry, poor wording - I know a MC is much more than ‘disappointment’).

It’s hard to process our parents not being the parents we wish they were (I have this with my dad, he loves me but he’s far too interested in himself - age has made him even more self-centred but it’s taken me a long time to be able to accept it).

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I’m due a DS too in May - so exciting! Try not to let your mum bring you down, you deserve to be excited for this baby after all you’ve been through.

My Mum was like this. Almost purposeful lack of excitement. I put it down to her being very controlling in general and this was something she had absolutely no say over - I didn’t even tell her we were trying. Some people can only think how other peoples life changes will affect them.

Why does she think your miscarriage wasn’t a miscarriage? Her opinion on finding out the sex is odd and it’s bad there’s no congratulations or happiness and that would really upset me but the denying of the miscarriage is an another step further on IMO. Does she think you’re lying or does she think you were wrong and you were never pregnant? Disbelieving actual medical evidence and your poor distressed daughter is just awful of her. What do you do with that?!

Congratulations OP. I am biased as I have two boys but they are a joy. I am really sorry about your mum. Just when you need her she is against you rather that giving much needed affirmation and support.

It's a strange thing to think but she sounds jealous. That or perhaps worried for you and going with a head in sand, minimising approach. E.g. saying you didn't really miscarry, not wanting to know the sex, not showing happiness, not congratulating you.

I think you need a bit of subtle distance to protect yourself. Don't tell her stuff. Be civil and open to her coming round but just for now, wrap yourself in cotton wool and stick some in your ears too. You are absolutely right to make your own decision to find out.

Apologies for the drip feed but my mum had a TFMR when I was 17; she's never really talked about it. I wouldn't send her a scan picture without asking if she'd like to see it first, for example, as I do try to be careful around stuff like that.

My mum seems to have no empathy for others though; my stepsister had a very sad late miscarriage a few years ago & my mum kept saying that I should send her a scan pic to tell her or to tell her at Christmas. She didn't seem to understand when I said that probably wasn't the best way and I'd send her a message so she could read it in her own time.

I totally understood her reservations earlier on (I was pretty bloody worried too) but the denial of the previous miscarriage has upset me. She told me at the time that I "must not be upset as it was early". Come to think of it she said the same after the others. I think she's decided I must have been wrong as we did conceive again very quickly.

I'm a mug for going back to her looking for warmth, support, care really. I do need to put some boundaries in place.

This is non of her business and I would ignore her. Although I totally understand why you would be upset about it.

This is your baby. You'll do it your way. She's had her go! Might help to Google the reliability stats for gender identification at 20 weeks (not fool-proof, but VERY reliable, especially when identifying boys!).

Of course you're not a weirdo! It's just what you wanted to do and it's your choice.

Congratulations! Also entirely normal for it to not feel real at this stage, especially given what you've been through.

@Wifflywafflywoo

I had a midwife last week tell me and DP we'd ruined the birth for ourselves by asking about the gender and it should be banned. No humour whatsoever. We're also pregnant after loss so like you we chose to find out to make it seem more real and try to get excited rather than anxious all the time. If she comes out a boy then so be it! We're happy with either, although he'd be rocking pink dungarees for a few months 😄. So no, absolutely do not think you're weird for finding out

Gosh! I'd have to complain. If she judges you on this, imagine what else she judges pregnant women for! 😱

@AwkwardPaws27

Apologies for the drip feed but my mum had a TFMR when I was 17; she's never really talked about it. I wouldn't send her a scan picture without asking if she'd like to see it first, for example, as I do try to be careful around stuff like that.

My mum seems to have no empathy for others though; my stepsister had a very sad late miscarriage a few years ago & my mum kept saying that I should send her a scan pic to tell her or to tell her at Christmas. She didn't seem to understand when I said that probably wasn't the best way and I'd send her a message so she could read it in her own time.

I totally understood her reservations earlier on (I was pretty bloody worried too) but the denial of the previous miscarriage has upset me. She told me at the time that I "must not be upset as it was early". Come to think of it she said the same after the others. I think she's decided I must have been wrong as we did conceive again very quickly.

I'm a mug for going back to her looking for warmth, support, care really. I do need to put some boundaries in place.

This is hard. I say this with kindness, but you might need to prepare yourself for this to get a lot worse when baby actually comes. Get your boundaries sorted now, as you say

I lost my mum a few years ago but my dad sounds a bit like your mum. We tried to keep our 7 years fertility struggle from my dad (including several miscarriages and failed rounds of IVF) but there came a point we had no choice but to tell him. His first response was that he didn't need another grandchild (my brother has two children) but then he was also hurt that we didn't tell him sooner. There was barely any consideration of how we felt. At first he was quite supportive and borrowed money for another round. But now that I'm pregnant (after another round of Ivf we financed ourselves) he's been really strange and seems uninterested. I also had so much difficulties bondig with the baby and for me finding out she was a she (and not an it) was so important. It wasn't about wanting a boy or girl but making the pregnancy more real by having more information about this baby in my belly. As my family knew I was pregnant but I didn't want to talk about- meant that being able to share it is a girl at 20 weeks was a lovely moment which others probably get when announcing their pregnancy in general. Except for my dad- who couldn't care less. Perhaps he'll come round when she's here. I do hope so x