I’m not sure I want my baby

[Janedoe95]

I feel like I’m struggling to bond with my pregnancy which was improving until a recent growth scan at 32 weeks, everything is normal except his femur is the 6th percentile. I’m terrified it’s a marker for dwarfism or downs which there’s nothing wrong with, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to deal with it I have a career and bills to pay for and the uncertainty and stress of the future is unbearable.

I feel like I’m disassociating with my pregnancy and I don’t want to get attached. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it and just wish I wasn’t pregnant and it’s making me feel trapped at this point all my friends and family know I’m pregnant I’ve received expensive gifts and bought a travel system and crib and I don’t even want to look at them.

I feel even worse because I know I’m supposed to love this baby unconditionally but the hospital won’t even investigate further and book any future growth scans and it’s making me want to stop going to antenatal appointments completely which logically I know doesn’t make sense but if they’re not going to listen anyway I’d rather not know and not worry.

Well done for saying how you feel. That's the first step. Who do you have in your life that you can trust and confide in. I suspect your feelings are more normal than you realise x

It's ok to have these feelings. You think there might be something wrong with your baby and so you're distancing yourself. Please book some time with someone to discuss. Maybe your midwife in the first instance? Some people here might know of some specific organisations you can call to work through all this with. X

Don't put pressure on yourself to love your baby before they are here. Some people do feel that kind of love for their unborn child but others don't. I didn't feel love until after she was born with DD1 and I feel the same so far with DC2 (18 weeks so maybe that will change). I'd say I felt protective maybe, but it wasn't love.

The thing is that when they do arrive, the hypotheticals about what they will be like disappear and they are just your child. Have you spoken to midwife or consultant about your worries? If a short femur is the only thing they can see, it seems unlikely that it's something like Downs, surely? And some people just have short legs! Are you tall or short? Dad?

Thank you sorry to rant but I don’t have anyone I can talk to my partner is busy and doesn’t really pay attention. (I also know I’m taking out my stress on him so we’re not speaking) I just feel everything building up and I’m not sure how/if I can make things okay

Also IME, if they are at all worried about something, they will do more scans. I had about three in latter stages because they thought she was big (she wasn't) so if they haven't offered any further scans, it doesn't seem like anyone is particularly worried about the outcome or thinks that it needs any particular handling, and that must be a good thing! Can you seek clarification on why you don't need any more? Maybe your midwife can explain?

It feels simplistic to say that it all changes when baby is here, because that does bring a different set of challenges, but I think women often put too much pressure on themselves to feel a certain way – love their bump, get that rush of love when baby is born – when the reality is that a lot of women are anxious and scared and don't know how they feel, and it's hard when baby is still almost a hypothetical and isn't here. I found the whole of pregnancy hard to grasp and found it quite a strange experience.

Did you have the NT test? Its not perfect but that is more likely to pick up problems.
Dwarfism also shows up with the shape of the bones, not just the length.
There are loads of people who had femur lengths around the same percentile and its fine. Thats why the hospital wont investigate. There isnt anything to worry about.
My son was the same, head on 90th, tummy 70th and femur between 7 -15th percentile (dif on every scan). He was born completely normal and perfectly in proportion.

Please don't worry yourself. I know someone that had the same issue however baby was born fine and they said it was just down to genetics. The scans can be inaccurate.

It is absolutely normal not to bond with your baby whilst pregnant and to worry. I can’t comment on your specific concerns as don’t have enough knowledge.

But, I can say that I really didn’t want to be pregnant with my oldest (despite her being planned). Everything worried me and I was convinced my life was over and ruined. Honestly, the moment I looked at her I got such a bolt of love and that was that.

Even if you don’t get that I went on to have two more children. Both pregnancies were much easier with non of the alienation I felt with the first. I definitely didn’t get that ‘moment ’ with either of them. Love was more of a slow burn.

I honestly adore them all. They have brought so much joy to my life. The beginning is just that. It really doesn’t define your future relationship. X

I didn’t bond with my baby until after birth, I had expected to love being pregnant but I actually hated every minute, I felt my body wasn’t my own and I was utterly miserable.

When my baby was born I felt protective of her, and then over the first few weeks and months I slowly fell in love with her.

She was born with some deformities and I was obviously anxious, I was told it could be that she had a genetic syndrome disorder. My lovely best friend who is a paediatric nurse advised me that a gazillion things could happen, and I could worry about them all, or I could decide to take things as they came. We met with a geneticist who advised that no one has a perfect set of genes, and again advised to take things as they came.

My dd is 14 now, thankfully after some surgeries she has no significant difficulties.

Life can be messy, particularly with children, but in any case can turn in a moment. Talk to your midwife, definitely go to your appointments, try not to worry before you know what it is you’re worrying for.

I think you may be trying to protect yourself in anticipation of the baby arriving. Anxiety in pregnancy is totally normal. If anything I wish I'd been more anxious in mine, I hadn't prepared myself mentally for having a child and everything that comes with it and so was floundering when the baby arrived... FYI once I got over this and managed to bond with the baby (and it took a few months), my child did in the usual clichéd way, become the greatest love of my life and eclipsed every achievement that had come before that. I think it's sensible for you to be anticipating how life-changing this will be for you, and quite healthy. Just keep an eye on it, find a sympathetic health care professional to talk to and don't let natural concerns turn into darker or irrational thoughts.

Pregnancy is weird and scary. I think that’s normal. It does sound like your thoughts and feelings are worrying you so talk to someone. Our community midwife team are great - I have a history of anxiety so they explained the pathway if I needed extra support, and also took time to check in mental health wise at appointments.

I did not enjoy being pregnant. I had really bad morning sickness that lasted much of day. I became anemic and so tired. I used to have nightmares my baby was alien. Scans and talking to midwife did not reassure me. When baby born she was fine but I struggled with breastfeeding. It took a while before I could say I loved her. Second and third pregnancies I enjoyed more and loved baby from birth. I was not anemic for second or third pregnancies and I think that made a lot of difference. It is normal to worry before baby is born.

@Janedoe95 any update on your situation? Im going through exactly the same thing and we even have the same username lol. Would love an update, i hope youre okay x

Yesss

hes 6 months now and I adore him, he’s honestly the best thing to ever happen to me.

i hated pregnancy but I honestly know I want more children now after having my DS

in hindsight things aren’t as bad as they seemed I actually think I had an easy pregnancy compared to a lot of women now

Also he’s completely healthy whilst he’s still 25% percentile I’ve learnt once your baby is here percentiles mean nothing (something I scoffed at people saying to me before)

Hey! After i wrote to you in March I had the all clear for dwarfism then after a month i had a growth scan and was told limbs were diff sizes then was sent for MRI, got that back after 3 weeks all clear then enjoyed pregnancy for about 5 days before getting preeclampsia and having an emergenCy c sectional at 34 weeks. He was only 3lb! Hes 8 weeks now and around 8lb. And doesnt have dwarfism or anything else from what i can see anyway! Like you i think my body unconsciously hid it as i never really got a bump or anything but when he was born i felt immediate love which i didnt with my first. I am so glad you are well and things turned out okay. This pregnancy was awful but so happy with my baby boy 💙 thank you for replying.