Twin pregnancy when trying for a third

[NovSus]

We have just bought home our twin girls who arrived following us trying for a 3rd baby. We are now filled with regret for the life we had before. A boy 7 and girl 4 who are so easy to parent, life was sweet. Holidays, days out etc were such fun and we now feel we’ve ruined a good thing, let alone how we’ll afford to continue that. Plus the impact on the bigger children and how this will affect them. We felt one more would complete the family and never expected to end up with 2 more, 4 children just seems such an extreme.

My husband now says we should’ve stopped at 2 as life was so good then. I’m hoping it’s the lack of sleep/hormones etc which is making me feel so low about it all. And I know how ungrateful this sounds, having 4 healthy children!

To anyone who has been through this, I really need to hear some positive stories!

I didn't have twins but after my very much wanted third baby - we got home and I did spend weeks thinking wtf have we done. This was a terrible decision. We had it so easy before. I wish I had a time machine etc etc etc.

I think I actually handed her to my husband at one point pretending that I needed the loo and just sat in the bathroom and sobbed wondering how the fuck I was going to manage this forever.

She's 9 months old now and an absolute joy who just fits in.

Can't imagine how rough it is with twins but I put it down to lack of sleep, hormones, the undiagnosed CMPA and reflux. After a few months the problems ironed out and it's like she's always been here.

So I can imagine your "wtf have I done" is probably twice as big as mine - but it really does get better.

Also - nurture yourself during this phase or you can be at real risk of PND. Your older children will adjust to this quite naturally so let go of the guilt. But make sure you eat, get naps in wherever possible and accept that your home will be a mess.

These feelings are natural - you've just gone from potty trained, reasonably independent, directable children to newborns again (x2!). It's going to take time to settle down into the new pattern, to integrate the twins into your family and your way of life. But - they won't be newborns forever, they will grow and take a full part in your family life. Your older kids will adapt quickly, don't feel guilty there, just give yourself time and grace to deal with this monumentous shift in your family life, and all the emotions that go with it.

Oh OP, you're in shock and you're exhausted. Be kind to yourself.

For what it's worth, I know a family who tried for a 4th and ended up having triplets, so they went from 3 to 6 overnight! It took a little getting used to, but they are all happy and fully-functioning adults

We only have three- but weren't trying. Number 3 was an accident when number 2 was 5. We felt something like this too- and occasionally still do, if I'm honest. But at the same time number 3 is a joy and we're very glad we have him. At times he feels even more special because of the surprise element.

We are poorer (loads poorer). I had to give up work, because childcare costs pushed us into the zone of making working financially pointless. We won't be having nice holidays or treats that often.....but other things become treats instead. And the elder two love him so much.

We are very happy now and our life is different, possibly happier than it would have been.

Lots of people think ‘wtf have I done’, be it their first kid it their tenth. It’s just extremely magnified for you, as you’ve gone from 2 peri-independent children to 2 newborns! I’m not surprised it feels like the world is ending. My advice would be to just be extremely kind to yourselves. DC1 and 2 will adapt and probably surprise you - mostly in extremely good ways. It’ll be survival/trenches mode for a little while, but it won’t be long until life has some routine and familiarity again. As is so often said to FTMs on MN, trying to accept your new life for what it is (albeit very hard) is a lot more healthy and productive then mourning what is lost.

Good luck

Friends went for number 3, and ended up with 3,4 and 5. Massive changes for everyone, and a tough couple of years, but I don't think any of them would be without the triplets now.
You are in the very early days of sleep deprevation and adjustment. It will get better.
Congratulations on the new additions to the family.

Ah OP don't worry

Four is not that much more than three. Three is lovely but we are already finding car is too small, hotels are too small, house feels full. I honestly don't think one more would make any difference. I'm sure you'll settle into life as a six and things will seem easier.

This happened to former colleagues - one had twins on a third pregnancy and one had triplets. Triplets mum says it’s hard work but worth it, and twins dad’s kids are now all in their teens. He said the house is busy and full of life but full of love. I worked with him in the early days when three kids were in nappies, and he found it hard but said lean on everyone - twins clubs, babysitters, friends, grandparents, nursery staff - everyone. Also go for relationship counselling as a positive step to make sure you’re both on the same page re feeding, sleep patterns, and how the house and family is going to run.

Oh OP I was in the same situation! I won’t lie - doubling our children overnight was a huge life change and there are definitely times that I think about how easy it would be to have just two. But the twins are fabulous, so much fun and it’s really lovely to have four children and a busy noisy house (most of the time!)

The first year was the hardest - I don’t remember a lot of it due to lack of sleep and relentless feeds and nappies etc. Can you get in any help during the day? Just to give you an extra pair of hands and any kind of break that you can take. Please look after yourself and give yourself time to adjust - things are different now but they will be good again.

Please PM me anytime if you need to vent!

Yep, that happened to us too. We went for no 3, got 3 and 4.

Like you I remember feeling completely overwhelmed and thought I ruined my older kids life.

You will be fine, you will love them as much as you love your older two and soon you won't be able to imagine life without them. Go easy on yourself while you get used to your new normal and yes, the sleep deprivation is brutal with twins but you'll get all those gorgeous memorable little moments with these two as much as you did with the others.

Mine are 10-15 yo now and they're a great tribe. Even a lockdown Xmas was fun and there's never a dull moment in our house.

Hope you feel better about things soon

Thank you all for your supportive comments, it really helps me try and rationalise my thoughts and feelings!

I do hope once they are older, as some have said we will love them as much as we do the older children and not imagine a life without them.

Once we’re out of the newborn phase I’m hopeful we’ll be feeling a lot better about it. It hasn’t helped one has severe GORD adding to the stresses!

Thanks again.

We went for a third and had 4 and 5 - so we had 5 and 3 year old girls and twin girls and no family locally.
On the flip side I had a mmc in between the 2nd and these babies so I felt like I was getting a new baby and that baby back - I knew I wasnt but you know??? Plus I always wanted twins.
So rationally it is exhausting - take all help offered and borrow anything that might be helpful - I got help from a friend for @ 2 months and then the first summer I had a teenage girl to help so the older two could continue play outside - help during trips etc - the 3 year old was and remains a handful!
Fast forward to a 19, 17 and 2x13 years old I couldn't have planned a better family dynamic - they are 4 very different girls but enjoy each other a lot - they dont all always get on but there is enough of them to have company - money wise it is tough but we will get there its not forever - once they are interacting its a whole new level of joy with twins - toddlers are so much fun and the older two enjoyed them also. The older two would say still that they are happy they are here- in fact oldest and one of the twins are particularly close.
It can be overwhelming though at this stage so please again if anyone offers to help take the help and if not consider getting in a babysitter just so you can put the older two to bed without being distracted by a baby or take them to an activity etc.
If I had my time around again I would definitely want the family I had and I would have taken more pictures/videos as tbf you are often too tired to enjoy them properly
Congratulations btw also

I had 2 and the third was twins. It is bloody exhausting! The memories of their early years is a fuzz of exhaustion.

My older two were 5 and 2 when they were born.

However there is nothing like seeing twins grow up together, that special bond. The way they interact as they start getting more aware. Just so cute and adorable! In between being totally knackered!

I went on to have a 5th (at first I thought it would be lovely to have twins again, then when I actually got pregnant I was filled with horror at the idea😂)

Mine are 17 now, so I get lots of sleep. And although not as cute when they interact it is funny when they get annoyed when they've chosen identical stuff. Also, I still get them confused and call them the wrong name.