Pregnant and struggling

[plum711]

I recently found out I'm pregnant (unplanned and on the pill) - I told my husband who said he 100% supports me whatever I decide to do, he said he isn't going anywhere and will be there.
Initially I was in two minds - I'm soon to go into my final year of uni (I'm almost 30) and only working part time. The more I thought about it the more I can't imagine terminating this pregnancy.
Both me and my husband have always said we didn't need to have children. I've been feeling so down about this because I think I know deep down that my husband does not want to go through with this.
A few days later he said that he doesn't think we are fit to be parents (we can be lazy when we have nothing to do etc and occasionally a bit messy), he's also worried about the financial side. He earns a decent amount and even thought I'm part time, I work a lot of hours and we are definitely more comfortable than a lot of people I know with kids. We own our 2 bedroom flat as well. I told him I'd booked an appointment to discuss termination (more just to chat to someone, I'm not really sure why I booked it). He's now asking me things like "what things do you want to do this year?" meaning holidays etc and acting as if we are absolutely not going through with it.
I'm struggling because either way I feel someone is unhappy and will resent the other one. Ultimately I know its my decision to make but this decision still hugely affects his entire life and thats weighing heavy on me.
Has anyone had a similar experience with a success story?

Sorry to hear you're struggling, it's such a hard position to be in!
I agree that the decision lies with you in the end but I also think that his feelings should be considered as you're right it will affect his life if you decide to go through with the pregnancy and that could impact your relationship negatively. If it was just up to you what would you do? Do you want children? I don't think being a bit lazy and messy is a reason not to have children, I have been through 2 terminations, one was medical reasons and one was a missed miscarriage so not exactly the same but it's not to be taken lightly and I think some men can forget this! Aside from the mental side, physically it's really tough! I think it is worth keeping the appointment if only to talk to them, I found them so helpful and non judgemental!

@littletoe Thanks for your reply! If it was just up to me I would go through with it. My husband keeps saying it is up to me but I just worry about him and making a decision that he potentially really doesn't want. Children were never something I felt like I "needed" but over the last few years they have definitely been on my mind. I can definitely say I want to have this baby. Which I know sounds so clear cut and the answer seems obvious but it just doesn't feel it.
The appointment is just a telephone appointment so I'm hoping I can talk it though. I had a termination back in 2017 and felt very very differently then to how I do now - I absolutely wasn't ready then whereas now my instinct is to do it.

Have the baby. You will come to resent your husband if you don’t and the relationship will ultimately suffer anyway. So why not take the leap together? You’re not kids. And news flash, the house will be messy with a kid anyway.

Please don't make this momentous decision for his sake, though. Your body is growing this baby. You are the one who is going to be most impacted by this decision whichever way you decide. You need to think about what you want, and follow your heart!

I think if you want the baby then that has to be the answer, I think having a proper talk with your husband and tell him how you feel and see what comes of that! I do understand how you're feeling though, you do have to think about your relationship and if he truly will be there for you or whether he will end up resenting you and the baby. Hopefully that wont be the case!

You've said you definitely want this baby so that's your mind made up in my opinion, have you said directly to your husband that you want the baby?

My pregnancy was unplanned and my partner said exactly the same thing "whatever you decide I'll support you". I kept saying I didn't know what I wanted (even though I did) and it wasn't until I was brave enough to say I want to keep the baby that he admitted he did too. We were both scared of saying the wrong thing to each other and couldn't be more excited to be doing this together now.

Someone once said that so many people regret a termination but you never hear anyone say they regret having a baby 💖

@LeahPaige I actually haven't directly said it to him - I don't know why I'm so scared to, I think I'm worrying so much about him. We chat about it and he'll voice his concerns and I just end up sobbing. I don't think he would admit he actually wants to do it but I genuinely hope he'd eventually come around. One of my friends said she didn't believe he would resent me and promised me I'd make his life better. It's just so hard making a life changing decision for someone else.

Thanks though - that last bit made me feel a bit better!

Just wanted to say, my DH definitely didn't want a baby!! 100% no.
I decided i couldn't terminate. Took a few weeks but he got on board, and now 8 weeks to go he is so excited, more than i am 😂

Just wanted to say that my pregnancy was planned with both my husband and I wanting kids but even we both had the worries that we won’t be good parents, will we ever be able to go on these holidays that we’ve discussed before (yes, we can but it will be different with a baby or child), if we are even ready even though we are in the same situation as you (30, own our own 2 bed flat, good jobs etc) when we got the positive test.

I think that’s a natural reaction because it’s a big life changing thing and it’s so unknown as how things will go. We found discussing these worries with our friends who have children really helped and made us excited to get to enter this new phase of our life.

I would definitely sit down with your husband and have a proper chat and say you want to keep the baby, but you understand it’s a scary unknown.

I wish you all the best, in whatever decision you decide. ❤️