I have a dd who's 5 so I know I'm lucky but last February I had a scan at 13 weeks to find out that the twins I was expecting had stopped growing at 10 weeks. I had a D&C 2 days later but the build up to it on the day was pretty traumatic. The surgeon said last minute I needed to have 2 pessaries because I hadn't had any bleeding and that I've never dilated before because my DD was a c section. I tried with the pessaries but I physically couldn't do it. I think partly it was because I was laying on a trolley in an office (the only pre op room they had due to covid) without a buzzer and my husband couldn't be with me and I think I was just terrified of the process starting and passing the twins naturally in a room on my own so I think my cervix just wouldn't let it happen. I couldn't even have the door open because the room was facing a corridor with people constantly walking up and down. The surgeon said that if I didn't have the pessaries then worst case scenario I'd have to have a hysterectomy if I started bleeding heavily on the operating table. It was the manner in which she spoke to me, with the worry I might not survive the op which really distressed me, especially as after she left I was then waiting on my room with a door closed, no buzzer and no one Witt me for an hour. Fortunately that didn't happen but when I came round it was in theatre because there wasn't a bed ready for me.
Anyway, in October I fell pregnant again and started using progesterone pessaries but it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. Since then my ovulation date seems to be a lot sooner, used to be around CD 13-14 but the last two months it's been CD9-CD10! Although I did have my booster in November... I'm 9dpo today and tested negative and just feel like I'm out this month. I have no idea why but the losses seem to have suddenly hit me really hard today and I feel very tearful for no reason.
I don't think it helps that every so often DD says when I have a baby brother or baby sister then can play with my toys, etc and she mentioned it again this morning.
Not sure why I'm posting this, just struggling today I guess 😕