Does being laid back in pregnancy mean you get a laid back baby and vice versa?

[neuroticlady]

Am I imagining this? I've noticed that everyone I know who was super-cruisy and laid back throughout their pregnancies ended up with equally relaxed babies that seemed to sleep for hours and happily gurgle their way through their awake times. And, by contrast, friends who were more uptight and anxious when pregnant got babies that cried a lot more, didn't sleep well, hated being put down etc. The only exception to this 'rule' seems to be my sister who was super-laid-back but had three very fractious babies! Now I am one of this world's worriers and the latest thing to keep me awake at night is the thought that I am destined to produce the world's most challenging baby, and that it will be my fault for not relaxing more. (Had four miscarriages and lots of trouble conceiving before this pregnancy, which is now 33 wks.) Just wondered what your thoughts are - am I right about this or do you have lots of examples of 'worriers' who went on to produce lovely laid back babies... go on, please cheer me up!

Don't be daft woman

I was very laid back whilst pg and DS was not A Contented Little Baby. They are what they are.

I don;t think tyhere is a rule, but babies do pick up on your stress.

I had a nice easy stress free pg with DS1 - he is the most stressy overworught child I know

DS2's prge was nightmareish - I had the toddler from hell, we had mega money issues and I hve bad SPD - DS2 is chilled, man. I think it was because I was more confident with him after he was born, and therefore more relaxed.

Babies don;t follow any particular rule tbh, they just do as they please! But it's deffo worth being relaxed with them as much as piossible

GFood luck with the birth btw!

How on earth would that work, then? Thought waves surging through the amniotic fluid or suchlike?

it could work in that bubs may inherit the 'stressy' temperament genes from mum or dad. could waffle on about gene mixing and cumulative effects of loads of genes contributing to personality etc etc but basically its pot luck
had v v stressful pgs with both ds's after multiple mcs, ds1 is as laid back as his dad and ds2 is shaping up to be like me fire n ice
congrats, good luck and enjoy your lo whatever their temperament

I don't think it particularly goes that way. Babies do pick up if you are stressed when you are with them, but I think it is more down to personality traits that they inherit from their parents than being stressed/non-stressed during pregnancy, and of course colic/teething etc will make a placid baby very fractious sometimes!

Am not really sure, although much more relaxed during 2nd pregnancy and after and ds was a much more contented baby than dd.

Also got to say that working nights when pg with dd I think contributed to her appalling sleeping patterns which took us ages to sort out. So avoid night shifts and stress when pg

I was seriously stressed during my pg. Had no idea where I was going to live split with DD's dad then got back together, then split then got back together(!). I can remember crying and saying I was going to have the most stressed out baby ever but DD was actually very laid back. She is a very happy baby so far anyway despite serious health problems(a genetic condition so definately not related to my stress!)

The idea that if you worry you will make the baby panicky just makes you worry more in my opinion!

Of all the things to worry about! Give yourself a break! I had the healthiest, most laidback pregnancy imaginable and DS was seriously high maintenance as a baby. But he is now 3.9 and a dreamboy! Your baby will be wonderful if even he/she is "challenging". Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and good luck for the birth.

neuroticlady, you are imagining it .

Dd, superstressful pregnancy, abnormality in scans spotted from 13 weeks, had a CVS (clear), then scanned every few weeks until birth, each time with a different abnormality, doctors could not pinpoint what was wrong. Dd (normal but with heart condition) high maintenance.

Ds, normal easy pregnancy, I did not even notice I was pregnant much until realised I was coming up to 40 weeks! High maintenance.

You wrote: "am I right about this or do you have lots of examples of 'worriers' who went on to produce lovely laid back babies..." I can see the advantage of a laid back baby - believe me, with 2 difficult ones, I know what I am talking about. But a difficult baby does not mean a bad one, IYKWIM. In fact, a lot of the personality traits that make a baby a demanding one (eg persistence, extrovertedness, easily bored, interested in the world, cuddly) make for lovely adults. It is actually a blessing in disguise.

My dcs get better and better all the time. hth

Let's hear it for demanding babies and the superstar children they become, Blueshoes! You've described my DS to a T.

No, my daughter was pretty easy and I was working 100 hrs a week in the City when I was 35 weeks! I read that too and fretted even more but I think it's genetic! I was a laid back baby though and now I'm not especially laid back (as much as would love to be) - so maybe it comes out later

I think it is definnetly a factor but obviously other factors including they personalitys involved. DS1 although not healtthy preg and lots of scares he was quite a relaxed baby. Ds2 was a very stressful preg very bad depression and huge personal problems and I spent most of the preg crying. The doc really wanted me to go on medication for my nerves but I refused. He was born a very angry baby, screamed constantly and would not settle at all. I am convinced it was because of how I was during the preg.
Infact I watched a prog a few yrs back, think it was prof robert winston and he basicaaly said that stress in a preg can transmitt to the baby and affect them when born

nope. i have been told this one by my mum, repeatedly... as i was a panicking wreck in all my pgs.(partly down to complications during pg and history of mc) I have lovely calm children - well, mostly. I think it is actually how you are when the babies arrive, because after the terror of pregnancy I was the chilled mum who had the baby she wanted, and had no worries about how to cope with my lovely new bundles.

heheh bluestocking, glad I am not imagining it. Your ds will go far.

BTW, neuroticlady, I think high needs babies (like mine and bluestocking's ds) are actually in the minority. I have not met another mother in RL with one. I come to mn for support. So the odds are in your favour, depending on how you look at it

Was your sister factious as a baby? Were you fractious as a baby? True high needs is a function of temperament, rather than due to, say, a temporary physical ailment (like 3 mth colic). I ask because although I was a laidback baby, my dh was difficult and so was his mother. So my dh's side has a lot to answer for.

If your sister had 3 in a row, I can only sympathise. But it does sound like lightning striking 3 times - which leads me to suspect an inherited/temperament thing. Do the babies get better and more settled as they get older?

Apparently, whilst carrying DS1 I was a 'nasty, irritable bitch who was hell to live with' (my mother- who does not even live with me).
DS1 is very stubborn and determined with quite a little temper at times but he gets that from DH more I think.
Whilst carrying DS2 I was much more laid back and DS2 is very mellow and a real textbook baby. Totally contented. In fact, he is so easy I have been known to say in a moment of '2 under 2 madness' I would trade DS1 for 10 of DS2 for a day just so I could have a break!

pistachio, your post reminded me about how active my babies were in my womb, and how little and lightly they slept compared to their peers. Also, second how fun they are - never a dull moment.

If I am anything to go by you have nothing to worry about:

ds1 is exactly like blueshoes/bluestockings ds's, has the whole thing of 'persistence, extrovertedness, easily bored, interested in the world, cuddly'- with a massive dose of fiddliness and diva drama added. Nightmare baby, needed constant entertainment, wouldn't sleep in daytime etc. Pregnancy was fine and healthy, I was very active. Was anxious about birth etc but not depressed, in fact was off AD's for first time in my life ever and felt I was doing fine!

ds2 is an angel baby. Almost never cries except when very hungry or teething. Air of calm and benign wisdom, like a little buddha!

I was actually suicidal during the pregnancy with him, I'm ashamed to say. One day I had the most powerful urge to throw myself bump and all out of my attic window. The midwives were desperate for me to go back on ADs, telling me how badly my depression would be affecting my baby (which didn't help!) I spent most mornings crying, I was finishing a PhD and felt I didn't have a brain cell left in my head, I thought I was stupid, monstrous and unemployable!

I also got v. depressed just after his birth and had to go back on the ADs, so it wasn't as if I welcomed him into the world with positivity and relaxation.
So what happened there eh???

I really think they have their own innate personalities. YOu can make no predictions.

Blueshoes you are right; deliberately did not use the terms 'good' or 'bad' babies to describe those who sleep well etc or don't as babies are just how they are and don't consciously set out to be 'good' or 'bad'. I also hate it when people with easy-going babies are termed 'good' parents as that implies those with more demanding babies are doing something wrong! I've just been worrying that it will be my fault if our baby is all unsettled as I wasn't able to relax during pregnancy. So most of you think I should be finding something else to worry about at 5am ?

orangehead I love Prof Winston and if you remember him saying something about a link then perhaps there is something in it.

Oh, and no my sister was a very laid back baby to answer that question, and yes her children did all get easier as they got older, just all a handful as babies. But both me and my DH were demanding babies. Apparently I screamed non-stop, so it could be pay back time...

domesticgodlessyemerrygents hope it's all working out for you now, what a time of it you had. Thanks for being so honest, but it's awful you feel the need to apologise for how you felt at the time. Glad you have your little buddha now!

only a factor I am sure but I have read something about cortisol levels being high in pg caused by stress in turn stressing the baby and making them more receptive to stress hormones once born. I am chilled during pg but a bit manic after the baby is born and I have noticed that my (laid-back, generally) baby can get a bit fussy and grumpy afterwards if I am stressed out during a breast feed.

Elevated cortisol seems to get blamed for a lot of things. I did a lot of (anxious) reading up on the effects of depression in pregnancy when I was pregnant and depressed... I remember reading somewhere that your anxiety could cause an adrenal response in the baby which 'exhausts' their system and produces allergies etc! So if the radiantly calm ds2 turns out to have allergies et al I can feel guilty for that I suppose!! (none are yet visible though he does have a permanently stuffed up nose, so maybe that is his neurotic mother's fault...)

Even the medical studies I read which spelt out that maternal depression etc is 'bad' for babies are rarely absolutely confirmatory of a link between 'fussiness' and anxiety in pregnancy. In general it makes sense that a baby will pick up on 'bad stuff' going on around it, but a sensitive, demanding nature will predispose a baby to more 'picking up' on stuff, etc...

And babies' complaints may not emerge from 'anxiety' as we understand it of course...ds2 used to be reduced to howls of misery by having a vest pulled over his head. Or being put down. Etc. I don't now read that as him being 'stressed' but as wanting control of his body and view, which he didn't have (he is still v. controlling!)

Neuroticlady, you wrote: " ...babies are just how they are and don't consciously set out to be 'good' or 'bad'. I also hate it when people with easy-going babies are termed 'good' parents as that implies those with more demanding babies are doing something wrong!"

Hear hear! My pet peeve is people who confuse easy children with good parenting.

"I've just been worrying that it will be my fault if our baby is all unsettled as I wasn't able to relax during pregnancy."

You already know the answer . I think it is easy to confuse the connection between an anxious pregnancy/person and a similar baby. Any link I would think is primarily due to inherited personality traits (anxious mother, jumpy baby), rather than life with an anxious mother, at least initially. Environment can contribute later on, of course. So please don't blame yourself if your baby turns out to be more demanding, as you were demanding as a baby yourself. It is a good thing

I say this because my babies' personalities were so distinctive from birth. My MIL recognised it at once!

I spent most of my PG in a state of quiet terror due to previous MC and bicornuate womb. LO is very happy, smiley and sociable - though not a brilliant sleeper, not dreadful either. I think we give ourselves too much credit - babies are their own people from the word go, though of course our input after birth is highly influential.

If only life was that simple

Rubbish, don't worry about it! But it won't do you any good to be stressed so have a small bucks fizz, a handful of chocolates and relaaaaaax!

I am actually much more relaxed as a mother than anyone expected, so there's still time yet!