Am I good enough?

[Ambxr]

Hi guys,

Before I go into this, please don’t be horrible.
So from when I was young I was sexually abused by a family member, I then was assaulted at 15. I didn’t have much family support at all, I was drinking quite a bit to deal with the trauma and ended up being raped at 18, before then I was a virgin. I was quite off the rails to cope, I was drinking a lot! And compared to the Asian community I live in im very westernised so immediately was labelled all sorts of names just due to being how I am. I was soon labelled a slag and all sorts although I had just gotten into a relationship and it was my first time consenting someone. I had quite a few male friends but nothing happen with them. Although rumours were everywhere. It got to a point I was hearing rumours about myself that weren’t even true or I didn’t know these people. I dealt with this for years of my life. I’ve recently gotten pregnant with my current partner, it is all I’ve wanted a child. As I was told at 15 I had PCOS and had never fallen pregnant until now, im 27. I was convinced I couldn’t have babies. But these rumours and names have stuck and today in a fight with my partner he called me these names he called me a hoe, a slag and so on. Told me I’m only good for a fuck, it’s what guys see and want and so on. This has really broken my confidence to be a mother, im so ashamed of it all especially since he knows what I went through. I’m now starting to think I’m not good enough to be a mother to my baby and I don’t deserve it because I have started to believe I am those things. I don’t know how to cope with all this pressure, I went from feeling like I would be a great mom to feeling like I don’t deserve to have this baby and I just don’t know what to do.. I don’t have anyone to speak to, I just feel so lost..

I didn't want to read and run and first wanted to say im so sorry for what you have been through, but wanted to say of course you will be good enough, however I can tell by the time this was posted and the tone of your message uou are really struggling so it's really important you reach out to your doctor or midwife for extra support it's nothing to be ashamed off but super important for your baby that you get the extra support you need x

Maybe ask mnhq to move this over to Relationships as you’ll get some great advice there.

Pregnancy is sadly a time when abuse starts - it sounds like your partner has some issues of his own that need sorting before he becomes a parent. What does he get out of throwing slurs at you? (Probably that you feel more reliant on him, less sure of yourself, nicer to him to gain his approval etc)

Please do your absolute best to shut out anyone else’s opinions, questions or needs right now. You’ve got this amazing chance to be a mum that you never thought you’d get and you have a few months to mentally prepare for what being a great mum means to you. And you are the only one whose opinion matters in that respect. You can absolutely do this.