Pregnant after loss and terrified

3 replies

GenerallyLost · 06/01/2022 11:00

Hi all, I lost my second baby at the end of August. I was 10.5 weeks, had 2 perfect scans prior. A missed miscarriage. I had a horrendous, horrendous time giving birth to my LO in April 2020 (covid restrictions had just come in, so had no partner support and my midwife was a horrible human. The experience has scarred me for life, and I'll never trust maternity services again). The miscarriage experience was awful too. Thankfully my partner and I found the news out together at a private scan, had I made it a week later, I would have been alone at my booking appt. When I went to the maternity unit for management, he was still left outside, despite the fact the hospital knew our baby was dead. I had to sit in a packed antenatal clinic waiting room alone for an hour and hide my tears. The doctor I saw didn't read my file, and got annoyed when I got teary, I had to tell her my baby was dead. They then gave me the incorrect instructions for the pills, despite me asking as it didn't sound right, which led to a scary ordeal at home. My GP was also beyond useless for support. I still haven't had any postnatal checks after my daughter (even though I had complications), and when I went to them post mc looking for bloods to be done, they couldn't have been more awful. I literally cried in the car on the way home. The whole experience was horrific, and again, has even further diminished my trust in maternity services. Its been really hard on my partner too.

Anyway, I'm now pregnant again, 7w3d. We wanted more kids, so are happy, but I feel like I'm only superficially happy. I've kind of just told myself, and I feel horrible even saying this, that in my mind, this baby isn't real yet. Don't get my hopes up. It will happen again. My partner is over the moon, and has a much healthier approach that we should just embrace the excitement. For him, I'm being happy, because he deserves it, but I can't let myself feel it yet. Aside from the heartache of loss, I know I won't get good care again. I have booked a homebirth through the health service midwife here (I'm in Ireland), so at least I know that I won't give birth in a hospital if i get there. It's a small relief though as I just can't believe I'll get that far, and know I'll have to face the same awful treatment again.

I'm not sure why I'm writing, I'm just scared, and feel like I can't enjoy this at all because I know what the system is like and the harm its done to me before

OP posts:

SnowdropFox · 06/01/2022 11:32

Firstly, so sorry for your loss and terrible experience

I think you need to be totally honest with your husband about how you are feeling and how serious it is. You don't want to slide into depression and any stage and need support.

Do you have access to counselling? It honestly sounds like you need to take to a professional (outside the pregnancy world) to process everything and work towards having a more positive experience this time. Well as much as you can with pregnancy.

Hopefully someone else will come along with some support charities that you can call or websites that you can seek help though.

OverTheRainbow18 · 06/01/2022 11:33

Sending you so much love. My first pregnancy ended in a loss, and I had very similar feelings in my second pregnancy. I didn't really allow myself to believe there was a baby in there, I think it was a coping mechanism. Like yours, my DH was a lot more happy/positive, I think it is different when you are the one carrying the baby. I found as the pregnancy went on I felt slightly less anxious, and once I felt movement it gave me reassurance that there was a baby in there, even though I still didn't quite fully believe it.

I am not pregnant again and had the same anxieties/worries, especially in early pregnancy.

Take each day as it comes, go with your emotions and know that you are not alone in how you feel.

I wish you a very happy and healthy pregnancy xx

OverTheRainbow18 · 06/01/2022 11:46

@OverTheRainbow18

I am not pregnant again and had the same anxieties/worries, especially in early pregnancy.

Take each day as it comes, go with your emotions and know that you are not alone in how you feel.

I wish you a very happy and healthy pregnancy xx

Sorry, should read I am now* pregnant again.

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