My last pregnancy 3 years ago was an awful experience, there were issues with my HCG levels and I was told my pregnancy wasn't viable so it started out so stressful and I never calmed down. I developed extreme anxiety and was having monitoring on the ward constantly and an insane amount of private scans. My partner told me to stop with the scans as we couldn't afford it and they were only comforting whilst I was there, as soon as I was home I was convinced the baby had died again. I couldn't stop and started going behind his back and lying about it, putting them on credit cards, I spent over £1000 and was never reassured for long. I was extremely sick throughout the pregnancy and overall I had a bit of a breakdown. At no point did I expect a healthy baby at the end, I spent the first 20 weeks terrified of miscarriage and the second 20 weeks terrified of stillbirth. Even after he was born I was convinced he would die and had very bad PND
It took me this long to find the courage to go through it again, and I vowed to stay calm and enjoy it this time. My 12 week scan is the first week of February, and I'm already finding myself going to book private scans multiple times a day and then talking myself out of it. I have no sickness this time, which is very different to last time so I'm using that to justify why I need a scan because I'm clearly having a missed miscarriage
I really don't want a repeat of last time. How do I just wait? How do I keep calm?