What’s your opinions of a couple with a minor learning disability having a child?

[SouthMan28]

Hi all, just wondering what’s your opinions on this as me and my girlfriend have mild learning disabilities and we find that we don’t fit in with others having children in society. Also what is the oldest age do you think a couple can have a child? As we’re both 28!

As long as your capable of caring for and loving the child I don't see a problem.

I think its nobody's business! If you are able to and what to have kids why not?

If you’re both independent (no care needs) I don’t see why not. If you can look after yourselves there’s no reason to believe you can’t look after a child.

Will you be able to properly care for and love a child? If so, no issue. I'm ND and there are parts of parenting I'm not great at - my child's shoes are never polished, I never seem to quite get "dressing for the weather" right and three square meals a day is beyond me sometimes - but I make up for it in other ways such as being more loving, patient and creative than a lot of other parents. You know your strengths and weaknesses and how they'd impact a child overall.

I think youd need to make sure you had support, but I dont see why you shouldnt have a family if youre settled and sure

There are plenty of people with disabilities having babies, a mild learning disability shouldn’t stop you.

What sort of support do you have? Having a baby is quite stressful and even without learning disabilities, a helping hand is really important!

It depends on how your disability impacts your children can you make sure you can help organise them for things like school, i.e. making sure they can be there with the things they need, make sure they do their homework, remember to keep health/dental appointments. How much assistance do you currently need, how independent are you? I’m not saying this to be mean but kids are hard and intensive work and its best to think it through (I’m saying that as someone who definable didn’t think it through).

Ultimately there is nothing wrong with having a child unless you are unable to actually look after them to a reasonable degree. Many of us have children while being far from perfect. As long as kids are fed, watered, cared for and supported to do the best they can then you would be doing a good job. Don’t worry about fitting in, many of us don’t.

I know a couple with learning difficultieswho have 3 children.

They are a committed couple and have been together for a long time. When the first child was born, they really struggled. They have no help from child services etc and in the end their son was taken into care.

There was a long legal case. At the end the judge ruled that the local authority have a duty to support and help the parents, but also that their son, who has quite severe autism, should remain in with the foster carers, (lots of reasons) the judge was very clear though that this was a failing of the local authority to suport and care for the parents.

When they got pregnant with their second child, 5 years later, the local authority helped to put a lot of support in place, eg a mother and child placement for the first 2 months, and then daily visits from a support team to help them parent.
They have just had child no.2, and similar has happened again.

I am telling you all this becuase you made need to fight for your right to keep your child and bring them up yourself.

I should also say that all 3 children from this couple have some kind of disability, so need more care than an avergae child.

Depends on the learning disability and the level of support you require. Also depends on whether you fully understand how to look after a child's emotional needs as well as their physical ones

I think with love and support, there's no reason to limit yourselves. If you think you want to have children then why not find out more about what you would need to be able to do and what support you could have - then you can both make an informed choice.

Things to think about -

• How stable is your relationship? Having children can be stressful so it's important to know that you can rely on each other and talk with each other. It's maybe a good idea to have been in a relationship for a couple of years before adding in children, so that you have had a chance to really get to know each other.

• What is your living situation like? Do you and your girlfriend live together? A stable home is important, so think about things like - who lives with you, how are the bills paid, are there things you need help with or might need extra help with when there's a child?

• What family support do you both have? If you don't have enough (in your opinions), then would you be able to ask Social Work or local charities like Home Start for extra help?

• Do you have experience of looking after someone or something? The reality of looking after a child can be very different from what you might imagine, so it might help your decision-making to see how you get on with, for example, baby-sitting for a relative's child, looking after a pet, doing some voluntary work with children or with older people who need help. These experiences won't be exactly what it's like to have your own child, but can give you an idea of whether you enjoy and can cope with looking after someone who depends on you for their daily needs.

• Is it medically safe and possible for you to have children together at this time? It's often a good idea for both partners to have a physical health check-up before pregnancy - your GPs should be able to offer this, although there might be a wait due to how busy GPs are at the moment. This would help identify any health issues which could cause problems during a pregnancy (such as hormone problems or diabetes or asthma) so that they can be safely managed - having health issues doesn't mean it's not possible to have children, the reason to find out is to get them under control early to help make sure pregnancy is healthy for mum and baby. Some couples need extra help to get pregnant, and that's ok - the sooner this is identified, the sooner people can help.

In terms of ages for having children, 28 years old is still young in terms of fertility - don't worry about that. Plenty of people wait until their 30s or even their 40s. The important thing is to make sure you've found the right person and you're both ready for the challenge/adventure.

Good luck, whatever you decide!