Don’t want another baby

[flowertot19]

I don’t know how to begin this as I am in a state yet again. I’m 33 weeks pregnant and I already have a DS. My partner practically forced another baby onto us which I was never keen on as I feel a huge pressure just looking after DS who is 2, partner works 6 days a week and I work two. I have no family support to help out. I have had to give up work so that I able to juggle the new baby on the way and a toddler. Not only this but he has introduced two puppies into the household, which may I add is under renovation and we do not have a kitchen/garden. I know it seems the most selfish thing in the world but I just don’t want another baby at all. I know it is too late to be saying this but I’m hoping someone has gone through something similar to tell me it gets better. My mental health has plummeted and I’m feeling really depressed and low. I can’t keep on top of the housework because the dogs are making such a mess. Tried talking to parter and things get so heated it’s not worth it. He just tells me to ‘move out’ if I don’t like it, I’m just so miserable I don’t know what to do anymore. Not only do we have all these issues listed but we also have near enough no money with the renovation taking everything we’ve got. I have nothing ready for the baby and feeling stressed about this

Adding onto this we have no kitchen appliances that can be used etc - washing machine/oven/fridge/microwave/sink. For months I have been washing dishes in the bath, eating take aways non stop and taking my washing to my dads house which he isn’t best pleased about. I just feel at a dead end 😢

You need to talk to someone could you talk to your midwife about some of your concerns?

I’d wager if you and DS left, you’d be far less worried about the new babies impeding arrival.

I agree with the above. Easier said than done but leave him. You'll be all the better for it in the long run. Don't allow ANYONE to control your life in this way.

Well your DH sounds like a joy!

I can't say I've been through exactly the same thing but...

My 3rd was not part of my plans. DH (who was responsible for contraception at the time) was delighted. I cried like someone had died. Didn't have the energy, Didn't want to be pregnant again (does not agree with me), Didn't have enough patience (I find it decreases exponentially with each child).

DC3 is now 5 months old, I had 3 babies in 4 years. I am tired cos we've hit the 4 month sleep regression but my god is she the most amazing tiny human! She is such a smiley sweetheart and life wouldnt have been the same without her.

The relationship between siblings is also something truly magical and will melt your heart.

It is a bit more work to have more than 1, but once you realise that you cannot keep everyone happy at the same time all the time the pressure eases a bit.

As for yhe dogs. Totally understand, DH wanted a dog. I was reluctant (he works away, so walking would have often been my job which would have been hectic). Funnily enough he backed off that particular wish when he knocked me up. And it'll be a bloody while before it'll even be contemplated.

As for the housework... seriously fuck it. Do enough so that its safe/hygenic and the rest can sod off. If he wants a clean house AND dogs AJD multiple children then let him do it or let him pay for cleaners. Trying to clean a house with toddlers/dogs is like trying to brush your teeth while eating a packet of oreos.

If it helps, I hated pregnancy and it made me feel crap. So I always have had much more energy after the baby arrives.

You are going to be fine. But DH needs to buck his act up or you should take him up on his offer and move out.

You need to leave. He did not care that you didn't want a baby because he did. The lack of appliances is a way to ensure you're too busy to leave/think about leaving. And you are best getting out before the baby arrives. These controlling behaviours only get worse, they will always be your fault and, again, he put his desire for a baby ahead of you. Even though it will all fall on you xx

Talk to your midwife, gp whoever and move out with dc as soon as possible.

A home without BASIC kitchen appliances is completely unsuitable with a baby! Frankly I'm surprised you haven't been linked up with support from ss as a result!

Why are there no appliances?

At the very least move to somewhere with a working kitchen for health and safety reasons before baby is born even if only temporarily.

Does no family support mean no family around? Or just that they're very passive or what?

This is untenable!

Do you own the house together?

Do you have anywhere you can go with your DS?

There are no appliances because they are renovating... not sure that's worthy of a call to SS!!!

(P.S. we did the same thing while I was very pregnant/with newborn... NOT fun).

A home without BASIC kitchen appliances is completely unsuitable with a baby! Frankly I'm surprised you haven't been linked up with support from ss as a result!

You take your washing to your Dads? Take yourself and your child to your Dad’s. Would he turn you away? Honestly get out and let him live in the dog shit house if that’s what he wants. Tell him you’ll be back when he’s a) stopped being an arsehole b) house trained the puppies c) got help in to finish the renovations before baby arrives.
These should be non negotiable x

Thank you for all the support in replies, I really appreciate reading through.

I should add that parter works extremely hard to provide for us as a family and is trying his best to keep up with the renovation but is struggling. I don’t pay a single bill towards mortgage/car etc, he is happy to cover it. I barely even pay for anything for DC and definitely not for the dogs. Without him I would truly struggle, plus I would have no where at all to go in the meantime. Moving out and being due in January just isn’t practical right now, I would have no furniture or no way to even purchase any. I struggle to buy myself food without depending on my partner 😢

@Onehotmess

You take your washing to your Dads? Take yourself and your child to your Dad’s. Would he turn you away? Honestly get out and let him live in the dog shit house if that’s what he wants. Tell him you’ll be back when he’s a) stopped being an arsehole b) house trained the puppies c) got help in to finish the renovations before baby arrives. These should be non negotiable x

Unfortunately we have tried living with my Dad but my relationship with him has never been great. He doesn’t have the space for us to move back in unless we go back to sleeping in his living room, which again isn’t practical with a toddler & newborn. At least in the house we are at now, we have a fully renovated upstairs with 4 bedrooms & a bathroom so i can’t help but think we would be worse off up my dads x

You’re in a horrendous situation here Op. you’re a grown adult and a parent yet you’re entirely dependent on another adult who is borderline abusive and gives not a shiny shite about your well-being or happiness. You’re not even married so have no claim on any assets yet you seem to think you’re lucky to be so well looked after by him. It’s no coincidence that he pays everything - he’s keeping you totally dependent on him (compounded by pushing a baby on you) and making sure you have no claim to anything if you left.

It’s easier said than done but you need to find a way to get back into work and reduce your dependency on this scrotum of a man. Leave the puppy care to him, and if he does nothing then take them to be rehomed. Bad for them yes but keeping them is bad for you and you’re a human being so come first in my book.

Please lift the blinkers and don’t see him for what he does for you - it’s not for you and it’s putting you in a horrifically vulnerable and dependent situation.

@Graphista

Talk to your midwife, gp whoever and move out with dc as soon as possible.

A home without BASIC kitchen appliances is completely unsuitable with a baby! Frankly I'm surprised you haven't been linked up with support from ss as a result!

Why are there no appliances?

At the very least move to somewhere with a working kitchen for health and safety reasons before baby is born even if only temporarily.

Does no family support mean no family around? Or just that they're very passive or what?

This is untenable!

HV comes for regular check ups and knows we are renovating, obviously not an ideal situation but she clearly hasn’t seen an issue with no kitchen for the time being so I don’t think ss is necessary in the slightest.

Moving is a lot easier said than done. Move to where? How would I get furniture in time before baby is born, especially over Xmas? And with what money will I move out with? DH covers the mortgage & bills and simply won’t afford to move myself and DS out on top of that.

I have my dad who I don’t have a great relationship with. He also has no room for myself and two children to stay. My mother passed away two years ago along with both sets of grandparents previous years before that.

Only other members of family I am close with (auntie & uncle) live 5 hours away

Well, the baby is on the way so there's not much to be done there.

Practically speaking, can the puppies be returned or re-homed? (Before the 'dogs are more important than people' brigade jump on me, the OP's mental health and children are more important).

Bringing them into such a situation was stupid and irresponsible of your DP, can he sort that out? They could easily find a happy and appropriate home, I am sure.
Plus they are expensive and will need vetinary care, how can you pay that when you are struggling for enough money to make your home safe and habitable?

Do you have a local sure start centre? Our local one will give out baby equipment and clothes.

The situation is overwhelming and you're heavily pregnant. You need to do whatever you can to relieve some stress.

Dogs go, get some things sorted for the baby and then you might be less stressed and overwhelmed.

That said, if you can't even talk to your Dp about it, I'd be tempted to take him up on his offer - leave him to clean up after the puppies and sort the house.

You are also in a vulnerable situation - do you have free access to money or do you have to ask your P for it? Will you be able to return to work after maternity leave?

@Muststopeating

Well your DH sounds like a joy!

I can't say I've been through exactly the same thing but...

My 3rd was not part of my plans. DH (who was responsible for contraception at the time) was delighted. I cried like someone had died. Didn't have the energy, Didn't want to be pregnant again (does not agree with me), Didn't have enough patience (I find it decreases exponentially with each child).

DC3 is now 5 months old, I had 3 babies in 4 years. I am tired cos we've hit the 4 month sleep regression but my god is she the most amazing tiny human! She is such a smiley sweetheart and life wouldnt have been the same without her.

The relationship between siblings is also something truly magical and will melt your heart.

It is a bit more work to have more than 1, but once you realise that you cannot keep everyone happy at the same time all the time the pressure eases a bit.

As for yhe dogs. Totally understand, DH wanted a dog. I was reluctant (he works away, so walking would have often been my job which would have been hectic). Funnily enough he backed off that particular wish when he knocked me up. And it'll be a bloody while before it'll even be contemplated.

As for the housework... seriously fuck it. Do enough so that its safe/hygenic and the rest can sod off. If he wants a clean house AND dogs AJD multiple children then let him do it or let him pay for cleaners. Trying to clean a house with toddlers/dogs is like trying to brush your teeth while eating a packet of oreos.

If it helps, I hated pregnancy and it made me feel crap. So I always have had much more energy after the baby arrives.

You are going to be fine. But DH needs to buck his act up or you should take him up on his offer and move out.

Thank you for your reply. I’m so relieved that I wasn’t the only one feeling that way finding out I was pregnant 😢 it sounds like there could be a light at the end of the tunnel once baby is here, and hopefully seeing the sibling relationship will get rid of the doubts I have 🤞🏼

@TrufflesAndToast

You’re in a horrendous situation here Op. you’re a grown adult and a parent yet you’re entirely dependent on another adult who is borderline abusive and gives not a shiny shite about your well-being or happiness. You’re not even married so have no claim on any assets yet you seem to think you’re lucky to be so well looked after by him. It’s no coincidence that he pays everything - he’s keeping you totally dependent on him (compounded by pushing a baby on you) and making sure you have no claim to anything if you left.

It’s easier said than done but you need to find a way to get back into work and reduce your dependency on this scrotum of a man. Leave the puppy care to him, and if he does nothing then take them to be rehomed. Bad for them yes but keeping them is bad for you and you’re a human being so come first in my book.

Please lift the blinkers and don’t see him for what he does for you - it’s not for you and it’s putting you in a horrifically vulnerable and dependent situation.

We own the house together so claiming assets here isn’t a problem. The house means a lot to me as it was where my late mother grew up, owned by my grandparents before they passed away. Selling this house isn’t something we ever planned to do as we would love to keep it in the family.

Definitely agree on the dog front. The one puppy isn’t a problem - fully trained just difficult with garden under renovation. Second puppy is an absolute nightmare causing a lot of the stress 😢

I think you need to take a bit of responsibility here OP too - you're an adult and mother and capable of taking action and not just sitting back waiting for a DH to do it - because clearly you'll be waiting a long time - even though you're pregnant and have a child at home it takes 5 mins to go online and order a microwave and electric cooker and have them delivered and plugged in upstairs, an electric table top hob too! Washing machine you could pay the extra to get it plumbed in downstairs? I'd be inclined to say to DH he's got one week to get things moving or you'll use his credit to do the job yourself.

You’re not married, and your partner doesn’r ‘have your back’ so working full time asap needs to be a high priority.

That will likely mean the dogs have to go.

Your feelings are understandable as you are overwhelmed by too many difficult things at once.
I guarantee if you reduce your problems your feelings will change. Suggest you consider rehoming your dogs (wouldn't normally but they need more than you can give and they'll suffer the most when you're spread too thin). Sorry out the appliances if you can. Do as much as possible before the birth as it will get harder afterwards.
Your situation would overwhelm anyone, so don't feel bad, but you and your dh need to focus on sorting it because if you break things will go from bad to worse.

@flowertot19

Sorry to hear what you’re going through.

Please speak with your midwife regarding these issues, they can absolutely help.

Best wishes.

Speak with your midwife.

Him telling you to leave then sounds like a brilliant idea in my book and what I would do.

You need to go back to work when the baby is 3-6 months full time, yes that’s shit, but it will be the only way forward for you to get out this mess. Be prepared for your partner too not want you to do that, his found a docile slave so won’t make it easier for you to go.