Social care referral unborn baby

[Slothlover2021]

Hi,

Can anyone help advise or give insight if they’ve had a similar situation please…

Been with my partner 5 years I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship I went to court to gain a live with order for her as my ex had referrals to social care - I won the order. At that point social care visited me at home, spoke to teachers and met with my new partner. Daughter had drawn pictures of us all and mentioned us in her schoolwork so clearly happy. Got the court order she lives with me and no further input from dad. Fast forward to now me and partner are expecting a baby in March, he’s been to the drs few times for anxiety and depression and not sleeping well due, had various medications and assessments, dr mentioned it’s potentially bpd but never diagnosed officially and they’ve never took it further never offered any therapies etc explained to drs he’s frustrated as nothing gets done to help him. He went to drs recently for a chest X-ray as he had continuous pain mentioned he has a baby on the way…dr phoned few days later saying she had referred us to starting point (new social care referral service in our area) as he has anger issues. This totally shocked us as his anger is just frustration at the situation not towards me or other people, he has no criminal convictions, we’ve had no domestics or police visits, dr hasn’t mentioned this before and hasn’t offered any anger management if she’s suspected etc. She kept saying to me on the phone no ones taking your baby which I never even questioned but not that sentence is freaking me out. We have a happy life and barely even argue, we don’t shout etc. I’m worried about any visits as we have a lot of reptiles but all house is tidy clean etc I just don’t know what to expect from the referral or what they will ask or if they will try and pin things that aren’t true…no trust here! I’m freaking out imagining them taking my baby and I just thought I’d put this behind me with my other child and done everything legal above board which cost me a fortune and I don’t want them checking on us all the time when I just want to enjoy this pregnancy with someone who actually looks after me and enjoy the birth without paranoia or worry. We’ve worked really hard this year to save and start businesses up to progress and work full time too so it’s like they want to kick us back down.

From everything you have said here I don’t think they will do anything with that referral bar maybe 1 visit.

They won't take the baby OP. They just want to see that all is well in your home.

How does your partner express his anger?

Your get a visit, once a referral has been send they have a duty to follow it up , but that's all it will be I would imagine,

He’s just a loud person in general and has a very deep voice so people just assumed he’s mad. If we argue it’s usually more jokey stuff like left a cup next to the bath no shouting. If we had big disagreements which is once in a blue moon he usually walks away to calm down and comes back to it I’m more of a venter there and then. But I’ve never been scared or worried he would do anything otherwise I would not of planned a baby with him especially after having a crap ex be the father of my child before. I just don’t know what the dr is basing this on, I don’t go to that drs so she doesn’t know me but I’ve been to appointments with him before with other drs and mentioned my 10 year old And they’ve never felt the need to refer them. It’s bothering me they think either of us could harm an unborn baby or a baby at all but now it’s another thing I have to deal with this time of year while be at work and having pregnant hormones and symptoms. We told the midwife at initial visit about his mental health and the drs and they didn’t have any concerns

Obviously the doctor has picked up on his anger issues, and quite rightly done the referral to ensure your family gets support when your baby arrives. He’s angry about things now, it often gets worse when a new baby arrives. They’re just making sure any support that can be given is in place thus avoiding any situations whereby he loses his temper and it impacts on you, your dd or your baby.
Try to see it as a positive measure.

BTW, were you actually with him at his doctors appointment? He may not have given you the full picture of what he or the GP have discussed.

If he has Borderline Personality Disorder then his anger issues are far more then "just frustration". Depression and anxiety may also be risk factors and if he is on any form of antipsychotic medication then that can also trigger visits.

The thing you have to remember us that they are not looking to catch anyone out, they are trying to make sure a child, or future child, is safe and cared for. They are not looking to kick you at all, they would also not take your baby or child away unless you or your partner were a risk to the child. They will make sure all is ok, if they have any issues they will first offer support, they would then mandate support and only if you refused to engage for months, or were a serious risk, would they even consider further interventions.

I just hope they see what I know life is like. What should we expect to be asked on the visit and will they talk to my ten year old too?

Yes I was there the dr had a trainee with her he told them briefly he’d been ok mental health wise lately then spoke about his chest pain they took bloods there on the day and he was having a joke with them and saying this is a fast service blah blah so no issues on the day. I’ve been to every appointment with him as I articulate things better than he does and they’ve never diagnosed bpd and never escalated to anything other than offering sertraline. It was more of a maybe you could have this then he had an assessment over FaceTime and nothing came of that. The only thing drs have have been him be annoyed and say he doesn’t get help after jumping through hoops as he’s been back and forth for years and the drs changed his dr when we moved one street so he started again so this drs only known him 6 months.

The doctor is trying to help OP and has done the right thing here. You sound defensive but if there is no problem and nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about or fear from social services. How does your 10 year old feel about your partner’s anger?

Starting point are usually there to provide extra support to the family. Usually they will contact for an initial assessment and then that’s when they’ll discuss any issues, have a chat to see if there’s any extra support for your family that would be beneficial etc etc. My understanding is that they are the “prevention step” so are there to provide extra support for parents and/or children x

Have the visit and once you do demand his gp to give him help. If this had been a woman she would have been taking seriously. I find it rather disgusting he has been left with no sort of therapy or nothing!

Try not to worry, you don't sound like you have anything to worry about. They are just doing their job ❤️

My daughter doesn’t see him angry this is the point I’m not sure where this big claim has even come from. He wouldn’t even tell her off - he manages her through a calendar of rewards for jobs she helps out with in the house and sometimes she’ll lose money/rewards from it. I’m not defensive I’m just aware of how sometimes services don’t actually help and I’m at a point in life where I don’t have any negative energy we keep ourselves to ourselves we work on our business as a side line we work full time and we are saving etc and this is just another thing to go through which taints us wanting to enjoy the pregnancy now I feel like we are judged if we go to appointments etc I feel a lot of people must get annoyed and even actually aggressive at the drs which he wasn’t but do they pull a file up see if they have children and refer them all? I’m just not sure what more we can tell them other than what the dr has and I don’t want them to think I’m trying to paint a happy picture because it really is just the reality. I’m also annoyed with the dr saying not like anyone wants to take your baby - I never even questioned that as an option so now I’m wondering what’s even been said in this referral. It’s hard not to have it in your head, I’ve been through my ex being referred 3 times to social care and even then I had to pay for court in the end to get a live with order so they don’t always do things in the best way. Can I ask what the assessment will even be though like what will they ask, what proof can we show them, will it be home visit, will they talk to my daughter etc? I’m very much a person that likes to plan and be organised and prepared so the not knowing is not good!

We also barely argue like I’ve said and if we did we are very conscious not to have it around my daughter I am super protective and like to shield her from that, she knows we talk through issues and we emphasis always telling the truth etc I can’t express how much our household just works and it’s took a lot of time to get to this point so now I feel like it’s not believed. Dr on the phone was asking me if I’m safe at home too and I’m just shocked where this question is coming from. I wouldn’t mind but we’ve both been to all midwife appointments both been honest and they’ve seen us interact together, I’ve been examined and now a dr who he’s seen once for a totally unrelated appointment and who has never met me has referred this. His dr he actually spoke to about his mental health last year knew I had a child could see the support he had and never once suggested it. We have requested his notes to see if anger has been noted down before because like I say it’s out of the blue for us.