The Fear

[Harlequin1088]

This might be the lack of sleep talking but some thoughts please and a bit of a handhold...

I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant. I lost my last baby (and almost my life too) earlier this year due to an undiagnosed ectopic pregnancy that resulted in a ruptured Fallopian tube. My partner and I were absolutely devastated and the sorrow I felt was like nothing I have ever felt before or since.

Since becoming pregnant again, I've been very anxious - scared that the pregnancy will be ectopic again, scared I'd suffer a normal miscarriage instead, scared there'd be something untoward picked up in my scans/screening tests, everything really.

Everything has come back fine so far and my pregnancy is progressing well. Baby is wiggling away in there and I'm making the effort to chat to him and help him recognise my voice, etc.

The thing is..... there's always something "looming" in the back of my mind. This constant fear that there's still time for something to go catastrophically wrong. Plus, now that my due date is creeping ever closer, I'm now starting to doubt my ability to even be a mother.

The message boards on here are full of "My baby won't sleep and hasn't slept more than an hour for 6 months" and "I'm worried my child has such-and-such wrong with them" and "My partner is useless and is stepping up". It's almost like, once they're here, a child is something to be endured not enjoyed and I can't see past that.

Now I'm terrified that this much longed for baby that my partner and I so desperately wanted, is in fact a serious mistake. What if the baby can't settle, won't latch, hates baths, grows up to hit other toddlers, becomes a teenage criminal? What if this baby we yearned for tears our relationship apart and I'm left to fend for myself as a single mother? What if, financially, we just can't cope?

I'm getting to a point where all these thoughts crowd my head constantly. I'm going to bed exhausted but then waking a few hours later just to lie there in anxiety-riddled terror that all of this is going to bite me on the ass. People keep telling me to enjoy my pregnancy as I'll miss it when I'm not pregnant but, in all honesty, I'm not enjoying one bit of this. I'm in a constant state of fear and it's crippling me.

Please. Has anyone else experienced this? Am I normal? Or going mad?

Me!!! 32 weeks at the moment. I suffered a late miscarriage 16 years ago and am currently pregnant with my second. Was adamant I would miscarry, that something would be found on scans, that my cervix wouldn't hold out, and now adamant something will happen to me or him during childbirth. I've got the added problem of an anterior placenta and can barely feel him.

I've not been reading post birth bits on here, but I'm trying to push my partner away. I don't think he will be any good in labour, with the baby and I'm going to be stuck doing everything on my own (Spent 15 years as a single mum). Then I'm worrying about how I'm going to work full time when he is 7 months old - what if I cannot cope?

I would say it is normal. But now I'm beginning to be concerned that I'm not normal. I wouldn't say it consumes my life... just when I'm not busy x

I think a lot of people (almost all) just moan and moan. Not saying a baby is like a puppy, but…

If you look at the dog forums, getting a puppy is a NIGHTMARE and everyone is sleep deprived and depressed, with their houses and relationships in tatters. I was so nervous, wondering if we were doing the right thing, as EVERYONE was full of regrets. Having got a puppy a year ago, it was the most joyful and beautiful experience. We’ve LOVED everything about him joining our family, and can’t imagine life without him.

Now due a baby in March, and I refuse to have the run up to it clouded by the same issues. I don’t want to look back on this pregnancy and wish I hadn’t been so nervous and worried. People moan and complain about their babies and children alot. In reality I’m sure parts will be difficult and challenging, but our lives are going to be filled with LOVE and JOY from our little babies.

I think a large part of your anxiety is your previous loss. Pregnancy after loss is stressful and worrying. It’s also perfectly normal to be apprehensive about massive life changes as your due date approaches (I’m currently 25 weeks, so not at that panicky point yet) but I’m confident everything will fall into place as soon as our babies are here. Good luck.

I felt like you for the duration of my pregnancy. I was told I would never conceive naturally so I had come to accept that then all of a sudden, BAM - I had literally just moved over 100 miles away from home to be with my partner so had all of those anxieties on top of the unexpected pregnancy.

I spent hours and hours on mumsnet every single day convinced that something was going to go wrong and that I would be a terrible mother. I cried the morning of my csection saying that I had no maternal instinct and I was just terrified about my life going forward. But honestly as soon as I saw her, I cried my eyes out and I have NEVER felt a love like it.

Yes it's hard work and can be exhausting but I have genuinely shocked myself at the mother I've become and the adoration I have for my perfect little human. I'm now pregnant with number 2.

You've got this OP - try to turn the negative into a positive - the constant worrying shows you'll be a great mum because you clearly already care so much ❤

I also hate being pregnant and so did so many of my friends! Our bodies go through hell so try and cut yourself some slack.

Thanks all. This has been really reassuring to read xx