Abusive ex has now taken away my mmc option. So scared

[Anon0707]

Found out baby’s heartbeat had stopped 4 days ago. I discussed my options with EPU yesterday and decided that I wanted a d&c under general. Previous mmc I took the pessary option and it was horrendous, I didn’t want to go through that experience again (contractions for 5 days)
I arranged for him to collect ds this morning under duress might I add, had any other option been available to me I would have jumped at it.
Up at 6 ready to leave, had to be at EPU for 8 and he didn’t turn up!! The final kick in the teeth from a bloke who has made my life miserable for months
I called them and I have to go back in later this afternoon to discuss everything.
My only option now will be the pessary and I am so scared. The thought of having a baby to care for while going through this again scares me so much. Last time I started bleeding within hours of having the treatment followed by contraction pains for 5 days. I thought I had passed most of the pregnancy on the Sunday, pains stopped and then 2 hours later they started again and lasted for 2 days until eventually everything had passed. I was on my own back then but now having to know I’m going to have to deal with that aswell as be a mum while he is just getting on with his day
Cruel evil twisted human 😢

Just to add this mmc was his baby too. I don’t understand how anyone could be so cruel

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you. Is there any other family that could help? Or a friend?

Thankyou hun. No he’s basically isolated me from everyone in my life. Haven’t spoken to my mum in nearly a year because she said she couldn’t bond with ds because she hates his dad. He then said that he wouldn’t allow her around ds after what she said
I asked his dad for help and they are basically taking his side.
This is all going to go through court now in regards to access because from my point of view he has put me at risk more more importantly his own ds at risk as there won’t be another adult around if I pass out (which I did last time due to blood loss) no one around if I need to go to hospital.
It’s all just a huge mess and I can’t see any way around it other than to just hope that this time won’t be as bad as last time xx

Ring you mam. Start building bridges there and ask her for help. As she gets to know you DS better she will stop seeing him as mini exDH and see him as himself.

Thanks hun. I will eventually. Feel like a bit of an idiot letting him rule my life for so long
Once this is all out of the way I will start telling people what happened xx

When you go into the hospital later today tell them everything you have been/are going through. They should be able to arrange support for you and possibly even someone to look after your DS while you have the D&C.
As you say, it’s not safe to have your son to be with you while going through the medicated option and it will be traumatic for both of you so hopefully they will insist on the surgery and if they don’t make sure you do.
The hospital have a duty of care to you and should have procedures in place to help in this situation where no family or friends are available.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP.

Thankyou I didn’t even think of asking the hospital for help xx

So sorry you are going through this.

Call your Mum. Tell her she was right about your ex, but now you need her. That he was abusive and separated you from family, and you are sorry. You now really need her.

I hope she responds.

And maybe the hospital can help.

Heartbreaking situation.

Sorry got called away earlier so you may have sorted this out by now. I was going to say similarly to PP who mentioned telling the hospital your situation. There is a mechanism for emergency foster care to be arranged for children when their single parent is having medical treatment. (This is who the hospital would get involved, anyway, agree this is the best route.)

Depending on your relationship with your mother and her overall personality, the suggested approach might work. While it sounds to me as though she was unreasonable, maybe she was trying a tough love approach with you over the relationship, or just finding your ex extremely difficult to be around and handling that badly. Mothers don't always get things right even if they are trying. Your call though.

Thankyou. My mum is extremely narcissistic, she had a troubled childhood and has carried that with her throughout her life to mine, my brothers and her grandchildrens detriment. She didn’t like my ex who I was married to and with for 11 years and she hated my recent ex despite me actually not telling her he was abusive on occasions (he’s got an alcohol problem which I thought was under control but obviously not)
I have always been sympathetic towards her and accepted her ‘ways’ however after what she said about my baby, well it hurt because ultimately he did nothing wrong. A relationship with her now would be very strained so although I have been isolated I do think I needed a break from her anyway and I was hoping that she would take time to reflect on her own actions and the lies she tells but apparently someone spoke to her a couple of weeks ago and she’s still blaming everyone else, not taking responsibility for her own actions and lies and is continuing to tell lies, some of which include my dc (basically her calling them liars which is just awful)
I went and spoke to EPU last night and they said they don’t have anything in place re childcare
I have since managed to sort something with ds so I have the d&c booked for in the morning.
I just hope nothing else goes wrong in the meanwhile and I do get to have it done.
I started spotting last night so thought something might happen overnight however the spotting has stopped now. I did a test to see if my hcg is dropping yet and it said 3+ so based on that I can’t see me miscarrying before the op. I could be wrong but I imagine levels have to drop significantly to signal your body to miscarry, I’m not 100% sure in that though and can’t see anything online
Thankyou ladies for your kind words of support xx

Best of luck today and hope everything goes smoothly.

When I had suggested building bridges with your mum that's not the kind of person I had envisaged.

When you are in better place maybe you need to examine the potential link between a narcisstic mother and 2 abusive relationships and see if there is a way to help you build safe relationships for the future. Fingers crossed for you.

We’ll done for finding care for your Ds. Yes, much better not to approach your Mum.

So sorry all this has been so hard.

Thankyou. All went well and I’m home now. No real discomfort and bleeding is minimal xx

So glad. I had the pessary and it was a nightmare that ended up in a hospital stay for 4 days and blood transfusion and I was worried for you.

@Unsure1983 I had the pessary too in my previous mmc. I ended up on antidepressants afterwards, the trauma from that 5 day experience was indescribable. I still can’t really think too much about it without getting upset. Today was so much more manageable.
I think the worst part of a mmc is knowing that no management is going to be easy, it’s just a horrible decision that you have to make whether you like it or not.
I’m sorry you have been through this too ❤️