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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Being ghosted

18 replies

FloobyDooby · 06/12/2021 01:06

Hi all. I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with my first baby after IVF and ttc for 6 long years. I'm over the moon despite raging hormones and insomnia.

I moved up north around 8 years ago and have struggled to make and sustain friendships, being married and in your 30s it can be difficult to meet people.

Anyway, around 4 years ago I met a woman at work and we instantly clicked and even after she left the business we'd see each other all the time, message daily and just had a really strong and lovely friendship that I was so grateful for.

She was one of the first people I told about my pregnancy and she cried tears of joy... cut to now, she cancels plans we've made, leaves my messages unread for weeks and doesn't respond whether it be me asking her how she is or me sending her updates on bump. She is active on social media and seems to be having the time of her life out with her other friends.

She is a bit younger than me and in no way ready or wanting to have kids anytime soon so I know it's not that that's causing this. I have asked her if everything is OK as I feel we're drifting but had no response.

I so just want to focus on being pregnant abd happy but I keep crying as it really feels like a huge loss. I'm lonely and I miss her. How do you begin to get over someone ghosting you? It's really painful.

OP posts:

Yogaandcocoa · 06/12/2021 03:47

Is it possible she does want a baby or has had a miscarriage or something like that?

Are you sending too many bump updates?

I think it's very cowardly when people do this. She could have just told you if she was upset about something.

Yogaandcocoa · 06/12/2021 03:49

But if she doesn't want to be friends then just try to forget about her and be happy. I think friendships change anyway when one of you has children and the other doesn't.

Hopefully you'll make new friends once baby arrives.

Alfixn · 06/12/2021 04:01

I'm really sorry OP. Friendship breakups can be so hard. Maybe there is something behind it that you don't know about, such as fertility issues on your friend's part that she isn't able to face talking or thinking about, or maybe she has realised that your dynamic will change post kids and is resentful of that. Either way it doesn't mean it's OK to treat you like this. She's been very hurtful to you by ghosting you so suddenly.

Massive, massive congratulations on your pregnancy though, and honestly, you will find that having children will bring new people and new support networks into your life anyway. All the best!

Original poster

FloobyDooby · 06/12/2021 04:10

Thanks for the messages. I know for a fact she doesn't want children anytime soon, in fact she's recently had the contraceptive implant fitted.

I wish she'd just let me know so I could stop obsessively checking for a response and trying to figure out what I've done wrong. It hurts.

OP posts:

JackJack84 · 06/12/2021 06:11

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, I've been ghosted before & it's horrible. I'm certain you've done nothing wrong.

You say she doesn't want children yet, maybe she's just not that interested in your pregnancy? I know when I was pregnant I thought it was the most important thing in the world, but to other people it's not that big of a deal no matter how close you are. People have their own lives & make their own choices. It hurts but sometimes people just drift out of your life.

I don't know if you're aware but there's an app called Mush that shows you Mums in your local area looking for friends, might be worth downloading it & seeing if you can make some friends who will understand what becoming/being a parent is all about. Good luck x

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/12/2021 07:25

I agree with @JackJack84
Meeting for long lunches and cocktails goes In the bin when baby arrives. You'll be at different life stages at she's letting things wane.
Doors open and close and pregnancy can be a great way to make new friends at a similar life stage.

I have also been ghosted (no pregnancy involved but it really messed with my head)
She actually reappeared with no actual apology! Which I (stupidly) chalked it up to a difficult time and gave her another chance.
We met up, had a great time and she ghosted me again!!!!!

thatstheloveiwantiwantlove · 06/12/2021 09:17

So much of friendships is about shared experiences and history - without which they inevitably drift apart - and this is one experience she can't really share with you.

Even though she has had the implant doesn't mean she doesn't want a child - if she's single but worried about the time pressure to meet someone and have her own family perhaps your pregnancy is a reminder of what she doesn't yet have in more ways than one

Original poster

FloobyDooby · 06/12/2021 09:53

She's 27 and very much enjoying being young free and single. We talked about everything and I know she wants kids but not for another good fews years. That's definitely not the reason she's cut me out of her life.

OP posts:

Bells3032 · 06/12/2021 10:10

Sadly that can happen when people enter a new phase of their life. they leave behind friends who no longer fit in their lives. Seems you no longer fit into hers as sad as it is.

I used to always say i don't want kids yet. in truth I knew my husband was likely infertile and it would take us years of treatment before we could even start the IVF path. It was easier to tell myself I wasn't ready than to face the concern that it may never happen to us. As it turned out I am now 32 weeks with a surprise pregnancy. But it may be that is the case...or it may be that your pregnancy just isn't suitable for the life she wants to live.

Sorry OP. Hopefully with the baby you'll meet some new friends at a similar stage

lawandgin · 06/12/2021 10:13

It's shit OP. My best friend of nearly 30 years has ghosted me since I became pregnant, despite knowing all about our IVF and how I was really unwell with OHSS afterwards - I was hospitalised! I have no idea what it's about in my case (although she does have a habit of disappearing at important or difficult times in my life...) but in your case it sounds as if your "friend" is putting space between you in anticipation of your relationship changing. It's nothing you've done wrong. X

Original poster

FloobyDooby · 06/12/2021 11:59

Thanks @lawandgin it is shit. She knew all about our struggle ttc which somehow makes this all the more painful, it honestly feels like a break-up. X

OP posts:

Negligee · 06/12/2021 12:09

OP, in the nicest possible way, I think you sound rather intense, if you're 'obsessively' checking for messages, sending her 'bump updates', and crying a lot about this. Yes, it absolutely hurts when friendships end, I'd be the last to say it doesn't, but I think you need to acknowledge that some friendships aren't lifelong, and it doesn't invalidate the years you had together. You haven't done anything 'wrong', but you certainly give the impression of needing her more than she needs you.

lawandgin · 06/12/2021 12:14

@Negligee I take it as the OP is just trying to understand if she's done something wrong (she hasn't) or why her friend is ignoring her. It's an awful thing to ghost someone and OP is understandably feeling insecure. Her friend could just say that she's trying to build on her relationships with others since she understands they'll be spending less time together, how hard would that be?!

Negligee · 06/12/2021 12:34

[quote lawandgin]@Negligee I take it as the OP is just trying to understand if she's done something wrong (she hasn't) or why her friend is ignoring her. It's an awful thing to ghost someone and OP is understandably feeling insecure. Her friend could just say that she's trying to build on her relationships with others since she understands they'll be spending less time together, how hard would that be?![/quote]
It comes up often on threads about being ghosted -- would you rather the person told you exactly why they've ended the friendship? Some people always say not.

HyphenCobra · 06/12/2021 12:54

You have my sympathies. I had a friend who would just vanish from time to time. Was infuriating! I eventually cut her out of my life when she failed to support me during a life event, after I'd always been there for her.

I had another friend who disappeared when they got a new bf.

It's really shit, but sometimes you just have to accept it and move on. Whether you call out their behaviour, or just stay silent is up to you. Personally, I'd be inclined to just go no contact. Don't waste your energy. If she does reach out, try having a phone call or meet up and then tell her how hurt and confused you were and ask her what happened. That way she can't ignore you like she can via text. Then you can make a decision on whether you feel the friendship is worth salvaging or not. BUT, you have to be prepared that equally this may be the end and she may stay ghosted.

I agree with the others about getting out there to loads of baby groups in the early days. I made some great mum friends off the back of them - but i did have to push myself to go and be proactive in striking up conversations 😊

Original poster

FloobyDooby · 06/12/2021 12:59

Thank you. There's been some really kind comments and great advice.

I'll never know what's going on in her head, especially if she won't talk!!

I have already looked into local groups and will just need to push myself to get out there and meet women at the same stage of me. Xx

OP posts:

Matilda128 · 06/12/2021 19:50

I was once ghosted by a friend and it was so painful. It was honestly more painful than being dumped by a guy. I tried everything to give it closure an even wrote a 'farewell email' saying I would miss her friendship but I understood that some people just grow apart. Nothing helped and I still think of her with so much pain. But I noticed I think of our friendship when I'm already feeling down or anxious. It's like a draw of sh*t I pull open whenever there is something more important going on in my life I can't deal with. I'm absolutely not saying this is true for you but may it be possible that the focus on her is also a redirection from the complicated feelings you may have regarding your pregnancy after ttc for so long. I'm pregnant after 7 years of ttc, 4 rounds of ivf and multiple losses and these past months have been so complicated. In the beginning I really struggled being happy because I was so scared of another loss. Then I felt something like grief for all those painful years and the agonising wait. My colleague, who is an awful person, also announced her pregnancy and everytime I think of her I feel this heartbreak, an intense jealousy and pain. I realise it's weird and obsessive but I now worked out it's not really her but the difficulties I have with accepting such a new reality for myself. All you can do is being kind to yourself. That your friend is acting so weird has nothing to do with you. But also don't blame yourself for being hurt and not also the happy pregnant person you imagined yourself to be. You will make new and better friends and at some point she will really become insignificant. Take care x

Amtheyest17 · 07/12/2021 09:46

I’m sorry you’ve been ghosted OP! I’ve been there and it’s horrible, especially as you just want to know what’s gone wrong. If the friendship is on the way out you could just talk to her about it, you could say you value your friendship but you feel that somethings changed and is everything ok. At least you might get a response and some closure! Being pregnant is hard, I’ve noticed a few friendships have really changed and some will ultimately end. I recently joined peanut and it has been such a positive experience - I’ve met some lovely girls who I now meet up with! Some tips I would give you if you want to try it - speak to as many people as you can, invite people to meet for a walk or a coffee sooner rather then later and if people don’t respond or say no to the coffee don’t get hung up on it just move on!

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