Relationship dilemma in pregnancy

[Lostmysmile]

My OH and I have lived apart for 3 years because he used to live with his teenage son with conduct disorder. The son refuses to accept his Dad can date, can be threatening and violent. He’s now 18, lives independently, but has remained controlling.

Being a Dad again was the one thing OH said he was sure about in life and assured me that being pregnant would give him strength to stand up to his son. OH put his house up for sale in anticipation. In retrospect I see how naive I was but nonetheless after 9 months TTC we fell PG and OH was adamant the pregnancy should go ahead.

I’m now 4 months pregnant and weeks from supposedly moving in together. Suddenly the son, who still hadn’t been told about us moving in together, or the baby, is demanding to live with his Dad again and sees it as desirable for them to live together into old age.

4 months into our planned pregnancy, my OH is saying that, because his son is now unsettled and being demanding, there’s a significant chance he might not be able to cope with going through with our plans. He feels even less able to tell his son what was planned. He says that his son only has him (his mother doesn’t see him often due to his temper) and he’s worried that his son will deliberately sabotage his own life (College etc) if he’s not happy about our plans and OH must prevent that at all cost. He’s also said he can’t be expected to protect me or the baby from his son, now or in the future, as he can't even protect himself.

I feel so betrayed and desperate and misled and stupid that I believed and trusted in a fantasy. I never planned to raise a baby alone but feel like if I want to be a good mum, I should be actively preparing for that possibility. I feel that having to start a new life on my own is going to get harder the further into pregnancy I am, not least as I’ll need to move cities.

My OH’s current position is that he’ll only be able to be together with me and the baby if his son consents to it. He isn’t prepared to just make those changes in his life if his son is unhappy about it. He also says he needs to wait until things settle again with his son before he can even start those conversations with him, which may be months. He says I’m being unreasonable because i’m saying I’m not sure I can risk waiting an indeterminate time to see if things change. He wants me to wait.

He also says I’m unreasonable for thinking that he should be putting the needs of his new baby over the needs of his existing 18 year old (who has his own place, a job and is in education… even if he might choose to throw it away in a fit of peak at our news). He’s even admitted that even if we manage to move in together and I've given birth, he can't guarantee he won’t have to abandon us if the pressure from his son becomes unbearable.

Keeping everything secret until this point was never my choice, but I had to respect my OHs wishes. I understand that he loves his son probably as much as he fears him. I understand that parents must always hope that their existing kids feel okay about new sibling. But is it normal or reasonable that a parent would consider abandoning a new child if their adult child was unhappy about it, to be giving them that level of power? He chose to TTC.

I feel so brainwashed by the message that I'm the bad person, that I need some outside perspectives.

What should I do?

Have the baby if you wish, separate from your spineless OH, and insist on supervised contact. What an awful situation.

Hi @Lostmysmile. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be incredibly stressful. I'm sorry also that you were suckered into believing this would work out in your favour. Your OH is being brutal, but one could also argue he's being honest. Listen to him very carefully and remember what he's saying now in case he changes his tune. What he's telling you, and quite loudly too, is that he can't help. As bloody upsetting and infuriating as that may be given he coaxed you into the situation, it's now on you to protect yourself and your unborn child from any further stress and disruption. That's the sad fact of the matter.

Stop focusing on the wrong things - whether you're bad/unreasonable, his desire to wait (for what, pray tell? a miracle?). Though it's hard to hear, you have to cut ties with this man and his baggage, and focus now on building the best possible life you can for you and your child.

You have time before the baby comes to grieve the loss of your relationship and to prepare for going it alone. Do not waste a second of that time fannying about with what your OH wants and doesn't want. It's largely irrelevant because he's not able to give you an ounce of what it is you want or rightly deserve. Do you want to be in such an unequal partnership? You've already done a three year stretch playing second fiddle to the difficulties of his life. It sounds like you'll end up a single parent regardless so rip the band aid off now. Line up the support you need from family and friends, sort your finances, work situation etc. Get your ducks in a row as best you can.

His son has a serious mental health issue, and it's not going away any time soon, nor is your OHs ability to cope with it about to change overnight either. Don't wait for him, please. Act for yourself and your child. The future is the future, and what may be may be, but for now, prioritise your sanity and your baby.

When you're ready, discuss terms with the father. He may ultimately decide it is sensible (and safe) to cut contact with his baby right now given the circumstances, and if he does, LISTEN TO HIM. He may be weak but he also knows his son and it does sound like he poses a significant risk. But, if you both agree to contact, have that be on terms that suit you and make it clear that if the son or indeed any drama adjacent to that situation arises, you will seek to do what you can legally to protect yourself and your child. In fact, I'd get something legal drawn up as soon as possible. You may also want to consider whether to put the father's name on the birth certificate. I'm not terribly sure he deserves the recognition, and life can be a little harder if he's registered on it. Just think: what's really best for the baby? Not for him. But for the baby who didn't ask to be brought into any of it.

Be prepared for recrimination once the news of your pregnancy and relationship becomes public, and if you're able to remove yourself from the situation entirely (i.e. you have family who live somewhere else), consider staying with them for a bit. You mentioned you might need to move cities. That sounds like a damn fine fresh start to me. It's not so much the danger the son poses, as the sheer annoyance of having to spend any time thinking about all that when you could be bonding/enjoying your new baby.

Leave those people to their mess, and move on. Good luck to you, OP.

The first response from @Tempusfudgeit is the right one ☝️

TBH if the son is as bad as you have described would he even be safe around a baby. I think you should go no contact and shut them both out of your life. Its just too messy and dangerous to take the risk. Leave them to their complicated difficult lives full of uncertainty and changing minds and move on to provide a stable life for your child which doesn't seem possible with your partner as part of it.,

Assume you will be alone
Decide if you want to raise the baby alone/would be able to
Proceed as you wish

Sorry OP, but don’t rely on this man ever again

Hi @Lostmysmile,

Sorry to hear you’re going through this - what a frustrating situation. It’s unusual to hear a man so committed to his son at the expense of everything else - including his pregnant partner.

What you do next decides on what you want your future to look like and whether you can see a happy future for you, OH, new baby and his son?

This might be controversial but if it were me I’d be tempted to give him an ultimatum - you’ve done it his way for three years, it hasn’t worked out well for any of you and now he must accept he needs to try a different tact. I’d insist that he is open and honest with his son because no doubt the secrecy will cause further distrust to him and make him feel even more angry and excluded. That being said, his failure as a parent to communicate with his son isn’t your problem and you shouldn’t have to spend your time coaching him so don’t waste your energy unless you think the end gain (happy family with the four of you) is possible and worth while. OH needs healthy boundaries with his son and would probably benefit from family therapy.

On the other hand, the fact OH has shown such neglect for you during your pregnancy so far doesn’t bode well from what you’ve described and you may well feel OH has shown you he isn’t going to be committed. In which case you can save a lot of time and heartache by breaking things off now, amicably if possible, and starting a fresh.

Either way I hope you have a good support network around you and hope your pregnancy goes smoothly aside from this x

I would be most worried about the safety of your baby. The son sounds unstable and who knows what he might do.

The father sounds bullied by his son, rather than committed to his son. I'd run for the hills and put aside any hopeful thoughts of building a blended family - it sounds as though your baby would be unsafe in the company of his/her half-brother and your baby's safety has to be your priority.

I'd give ur partner an ultimatum is it u and ur unborn child or is it his grown up adult son who shouldn't be interfering with ur relationship.
I would also put a ban on his son seeing his half sibling as it would dangerous and I'd be very worried for my baby if he is a violent person who isn't happy about his new sibling. Not sure if this can be done legally.
If ur partner cannot support u and may even abandon u then I'd leave. Do u have additional family support?
U are pregnant right now so depending on how you are feeling and coping u can do this before or after ur birth that is ur choice.
I would ban the step son from seeing u at all in ur pregnant state as he could pose a risk.
Keep safe x

He knew his son is like that..why did he go and look for relationship and ttc and all...ugh!!! I'd say get out of this situation, you'll never be safe around them and god knows what his psycho son can do to you and baby , he needs doctors help! No worse thing being with a man that will not protect you, and thats what he is saying. And by his own son! Instead goving him a nice reality slap he will let him bully you all. Let them live like this, you stay where u are, dont move in with him x

I am really sorry, this is an awful situation. The only thing I would add is to start documenting conversations with your partner - screenshots of messages, emails or even note down what was said/discussed. Who knows at some point in time he might change his mind and request 50/50 custody, which judging from the situation, he should certainly not be granted as he cannot guarantee baby's safety. Make sure you have enough to support limiting the contact, if unsupervised.

I actually think your OH was right to prioritise his son, who seems to have considerable issues. He was utterly wrong to start a family with you and allow you to believe he was committed. He has massively let you down.

Please don't be of a mind to assume it will all be okay when he meets his new child. He hasn't chosen you, and you should prepare to raise this child without him.