Newly pregnant after MC and feeling sad

[Miller2021]

Hi everyone, my husband and I have been trying for a baby since April of this year. I got pregnant on cycle 2, but miscarried at 9 weeks - after a couple of weeks of feeling awful, grief-stricken, I felt like we should start TTC again as I'm 41 and we don't have much time.

This time, it took a few months - time which, looking back, I really needed. I got a BFP last week - I'm now at 4+2.

I've felt generally quite sad - and irritated by small things - ever since. I keep thinking back to the first pregnancy, how exciting it was, and how this time I'm just waiting for it to go wrong. I don't expect this pregnancy to result in a baby, if that makes sense. Being pregnant again is also forcing me to think about the miscarriage again, how painful it was, and how I'll cope if/when it happens again. I'm not anxious as such - I just feel sort of blank, unable to process it.

I was going to ask "has anyone else had this?" but that sounds daft - I'm probably having exactly the same thoughts and feelings as anyone who's miscarried. I guess I'm just asking for some support.

I'm sorry that you had a miscarriage I've had 2 and it definitely took the excitement and innocents out of future pregnancies for me. I felt just like you right up until I gave birth and didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until 20 weeks. I have 2 boys now and they are my world and I would go through all the mental torture again because they are my world. 💐

@always2tired Thank you, and sorry for your losses. 20 weeks seems a very sensible amount of time to wait - if you can hide the bump for that long! It's reassuring to hear that you had two successful pregnancies as well.

I feel the same. I got pregnant for the first time in June and I lost my pregnancy at 10 weeks in August. I'm now 12 weeks pregnant and my scan is tomorrow. I feel a small sadness almost always. It's hard to even understand the feelings I had last time, I am much more worried this time. I don't know how I feel about the scan coming. I hope that I see a healthy baby and everything goes back to that same excitement and hopeful feeling I had in my first pregnancy. I am afraid that I will be told that there is nothing there. So, you're certainly not alone in feeling this way. It's a comfort to me to hear yours and to know I'm not alone, either.

I'm sorry for your loss op. Sadly miscarriage does rob you of the innocence and joy from future pregnancies as they’re always tinged with worry and sadness. It's something I've struggled with a lot. I think as well, it's human nature to try and protect yourself from future hurt, so it's common to feel detached and negative. I'm afraid I don’t have any advice on how you can turn things around (I never managed it), but I will say that distraction and just taking things one day at a time can help (a bit!). Also, I personally (and it is personal) found early scans helpful. Sadly I've had more bad news than good news at those early scans, but I was always glad to find out sooner rather than later. Also, when things did work out, they gave me (short-lived) reassurance and helped break up the long wait between scans. Perhaps think about whether or not you think you’d find an early scan helpful? Wishing you the best of luck

I feel for you, OP. It's incredibly hard. I've definitely experienced something similar, and I'm 39 in Feb, so know what you mean about cracking on with trying. It's such pressure.

I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant after four losses including an ectopic this year. It's been mental torture this time around, waiting for scans, all the uncertainty and constant monitoring. I'm exhausted and at times I've been really depressed about it all. At the beginning I felt blank and detached too.

But, I'm coping (just) by allowing myself to take it one day at a time. If I feel happy or remotely excited or curious about some baby item I'll have to buy, I try not to squash it with thoughts of 'what if I miscarry'. I just experience it. If I'm feeling really negative and strung out, I allow myself to indulge that too and I treat myself to feel better when I'm ready. Reaching little milestones helps. Can you get a reassurance scan at 6 or 7 weeks? That helped me because I can't bear the uncertainty.

I think periodic scans can make it feel real. They're like targets for me that I have to get through each week to reach. If you have a positive one, it obviously calms any fears (temporarily), but if you have a negative outcome, at least you know and can prepare mentally. The problem with pregnancy loss is that you can't un-know what you know. It sours what's supposed to be a happy, hopeful time, but I think the good news is all the sweeter for it.

Very best of luck to you, OP. You're definitely not alone. x

I felt very similar in the first trimester. MMC in March this year at 11 weeks pregnant again in June. I was really excited to be pregnant again but didn’t really feel I could let myself believe it would work out. I actually got fairly depressed in the first trimester with the exhaustion sickness and an overwhelming blackness of doing this all for nothing. I also noticed people around me not getting as excited or telling me to keep it a secret as if telling people before my 12 week or 20 week scan was some bad omen. Ignore those people and look after yourself. It has slowly lifted and I feel much better at 23 weeks now I have a big bump and the scans went fine. Still don’t feel anywhere near home and dry but it feels way more hopeful now. I have even let myself buy a few things and ignored my sister when she told me off and said not to buy anything. Why should this baby be any less wanted than the one that came before? And why should you live under a cloud of what might go wrong. Keep the faith as we wouldn’t keep trying if we didn’t think one day we would have our rainbow babies xxx

Thank you all so much for replying, and I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. When people speak about post-miscarriage pregnancy they often seem to talk about anxiety rather than whatever this is, and I was starting to feel a bit alone. Thank you so much.

@hellointhere It is really weird to compare how you feel to the first time, isn't it? I thought we were being really sensible that time, we kept saying "if we have a baby..." and so on, never taking it for granted, but I don't think we believed it would end that way. Completely the opposite now.

@Aria2015 and @deliwoman1 Thank you - I've been back and forth on early scans this time. In my first pregnancy, we had a private scan at about 8 weeks and everything was fine - a healthy embryo with a good, strong heartbeat, I still have the photos - and a week later it was gone. So this time I feel like it wouldn't give us that reassurance - it seems silly to book one - but that leaves me with nothing to break up this long wait to 12 weeks.

@Hotcrossbunsinbed I really felt it when you said "an overwhelming blackness of doing this all for nothing" - I just want to know whether this pregnancy is going to work out or is just wasting my time. Enormous congratulations though, I hope at 23 weeks you can begin to relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

I wore baggy jumpers and didn't really pop until 22 weeks so I wasn't that big. For me I just couldn't let my pregnancy become real and get excited again to have it taken from me again. I was much calmer after I reached the 20 week mark. I'm sure you have heard this many times but the chances are higher for everything to go well than not. 💕

Yesterday I had my 12 week scan and I saw the baby there with a heart beat and I felt amazing. But they changed the date, I'm early, 10weeks 4days. So now I am exactly on the day I lost my pregnancy and I feel disappointed, and conflicted. Now I think I just need to put it all out of my mind until I go back in two weeks. So I think I understand where you're coming from when you say an early scan doesn't always help. It is so complicated emotionally, being pregnant.

So sorry for your loss

Actually I felt like that on my very first pregnancy!! I still felt happy I suppose, but completely terrified of MC...... we were living abroad and DH convinced me to tell family about the pregnancy when we came to visit at 2 months. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!!! I HATED IT!!! The grandparents got super excited (first GC) and kept talking about it!! Telling me dreams they had, wanting to buy clothes and bottle sterilizers I felt so relieved when the plane took off back to peace, you have no idea.

So my best advice is don't tell anyone! Wait until at least end of first trimester, maybe even a little later. Unless you'd want the attention if, God forbid, it happened again......

When I did have my MC, DH had told his dad (🙄 for reasons......) and it was horrible having to face him knowing he knew. DH got super apologetic to me and when I got pregnant again he was the first one to insist on delaying telling the news as a couple we feel like we prefer to deal with these kind of things in private

Best of luck!!!!!!

@hellointhere oh my word, what an emotional rollercoaster - I'm sorry you have more of a wait now. I think we'll see how we cope over the next few weeks and might book an early scan around Christmas, but if I continue to feel like this, maybe not.

@grey12 Wow! What horrible pressure. A few years ago, a male friend of mine announced - in the pub, to a fairly large group of friends - that his partner was 4 weeks pregnant. She was not happy with him! I absolutely think that people should announce whenever they're both ready, regardless of the 12-week tradition, but we'll be keeping it under our hats for now. Partly because I just don't feel like talking about it yet.

@Miller2021 it was xmas 🤷🏻‍♀️ we felt a bit pressured to let them know while we were visiting. But true, people can be overbearing when it comes to those kind of news. I remember I did tell my mum the reason I wasn't as excited as everyone else and she was dismissive.......