Hi, I’m currently not in a relationship so this is something that I don’t need to worry about in the immediate future but I am 28 and really want to start a family some day (with a nice fella of course) but terrified that it will hurt or something bad will happen.
(Bit of background story/vent)
I had a bit of a traumatic experience when I was younger. I had my first boyfriend at 19 and wasn’t ready at all. I’d never had anything at all prior to that or even kissed anyone. Long story short, he turned up on my doorstep uninvited after a bit of online chatting. I ended up going with him to the B and B he was staying at and it pretty much resulted in a sexual encounter that I didn’t want at all. I told him this but he reassured me that it was all fine and normal, he used no protection but convinced me that it would be fine. The whole experience was horrible and it left me feeling trapped. I was too scared to tell my mum about it and pretended it didn’t happen. I then continued a relationship with this guy thinking it would get better and I didn’t want my first time to be a one night thing. It didn’t get better abd I felt threatened that if I didn’t give him what he wanted then it would result in something bad. I was young, shy and very vulnerable. One day I told him that I didn’t feel right and that I think i could be pregnant. He panicked and told me he was going on a break. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks, he disappeared like a puff a smoke. When he eventually returned, he sent me a long text message saying he no longer wanted a relationship. I ended up going to the doctor the very next day by myself without anyone knowing and had a test and I ended up being about 10 weeks gone. I was absolutely devastated and scared. I planned on telling my mum but wasn’t ready to. 4 days later I had an excruciating heavy bleed, I assumed the worst and after another visit to the doctor, my fears were confirmed. I had a miscarriage (which I will spare the details of).
The years have past and I’ve just let it go as a bad experience but now that I’m thinking about it seriously, I am having major anxiety attacks and crying fits about the idea of being pregnant some day and it’s an awful feeling. I’m not quite sure how to shake it off.